My mother drives my husband and I crazy?

Question

She has anxiety problems and is disabled because of it. She is able to do things for herself but wont. Since I was a child has "depended" on me to do everything. She calls our house 5 times a day or more stops by and beeps her horn in our driveway and keeps beeping until you come down. She is constantly saying that my husband is abusing me because I never take her anywhere. She always wants me to take her shopping, to get her license, dye her hair, fix something at her house, etc. And so I say that I am not going somewhere so she will leave me alone.
I just dont know what to do but she makes me feel guilty for not doing things by saying that she has nobody to help her. Since she got a divorce it has gotten even worse she had aways depanded on how she expects me to take his place. She tries to talk to me like I am a friend but she is supposed to be the mother not me! Not long ago she got mad because I wouldnt drive her 2 hrs to go to Connecticut. I need my own life.
Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Remember, it takes 2 people to take a guilt trip. One to pack, and one to travel!

Answer 2

It sound like she needs professional help for her anxiety, but really there is nothing you can do or say to change or help her. She has to want to get help for herself. In the meantime, I would pick a day of the week for the two of you to spend time together. Tell her that this is your day to do whatever she wants, but the rest of the week you have other things you have to do. Unless it's an emergency (a REAL emergency, not helping her dye her hair, etc) do NOT go over to her house. If she calls, the first time tell her you can't do whatever it is she wants, tell her you'll see her on your special day. If she keeps calling, don't answer. If she stops in your driveway and keeps beeping the horn, call the police (you can do it anonymously) and tell them she is causing a disturbance--they will get her to move along. This will be really hard to do and you will feel guilty for awhile, but you do need your own life. Consider it "tough love"--she needs it. Once she realizes that you are no longer at her beck and call (this may take awhile, her harrassment may intensify before it subsides), she will stop and accept that you will not do everything for her, but still love her and will spend a reasonable amount of time with her.

Answer 3

Your mother is LONELY, and she's taking it out on you. The FIRST thing you need to do is find a way to get her 'a life of her own' ... find a list of things you think she'll like to do ... which could be anything from volunteering to taking a 'crafts class' at her local senior center. MAKE SURE that she has 'something important to do' EVERY weekday ... and take her to church with you and your husband (you may not 'believe' so do it for her own good) and 'introduce her' to every person her own age ... she'll eventually start to make friends, and should get (and give) invitations to do 'fun things' together (who knows, she might even find a 'new man').
Next, take a 'good hard look' at your own life, and find out just how much time you can 'adequately give her every week. She's phoning you five times a day, so pick a 'good time to talk' ane EVERY TIME SHE CALLS tell her you are 'too busy' to talk right now, and give her the EXACT TIME to call. She won't use that the first few times, but if you ALWAYS give her that time, and you 'can't talk because you are busy' then she'll have to call then because she wants to talk to you. As for your having to 'drive her two hours to Connecticut ... WHY? She has her own car, and can drive herself ... or if she is 'afraid' to drive that far, she should take a train, a bus, or even a plane ... ALONE. Set a schedule for some of the 'little things' she wants you to do. LIMIT HER to spending no more than two hours any one week, and ALWAYS have an 'important appointment you can't be late for' if she tries to get you to stay longer. Don't get 'angry' or treat her like she's a 'child' ... just be quiet, calm, and firm, and she'll eventually start being much better and less anxious ... and you will have a GOOD LIFE of your own with your husband ... and NO GUILT.

Answer 4

I am assuming she sees a physician, maybe you can go with her next time she sees him/her and speak with him/her in private about your concerns, maybe he/she will be able to give you suggestions. Or, you can call the office yourself and ask to speak with the nurse for the doctor. Alternatively, you can just sit her down and gently tell her that you don't have time anymore to bring her everywhere she wants to go, you are an adult and you have a life of your own. I'm sure she will be able to understand that. Maybe you can set aside one day a week when you can spend time together. Tell her you would appreciate it if she only calls you once a day, if this doesn't work, turn the ringer off and pretend there is an issue with your phone, cruel, I know, but it may work to get her to stop calling you so much!! Best of Wishes!

Answer 5

You sure have been a wonderful daughter. I am sure its hard for you to say no as a daughter, but from what it sounds, she maybe insecure.
I guess you should sit down with her and explain to her how you have to move ahead with your life and how important it is for you to spend time with your husband and you will always be there when she really needs you.
Does she have any hobbies? Maybe you should send her for some hobby classes where she can meet more people and spend her time well. I think the key is to keep her occupied and have her interact with more people, and hopefully she will be able to lead her own life.
Also does she take any medications for her anxiety problems. Maybe she should see a doctor. That can surely help her.

Answer 6

you can suggest to her that if she can't take care of herself, maybe a nursing home would be a good idea, so she would have someone to take care of her twenty for hours a day. she will either go to the nursing home, or she will stop calling you, either way, you win.
seriously, you are not responsible for her, and there is no reason for you to feel bad about not wanting to trade roles and take care of her, you didn't ask to be born.
frankly, I'd give my eye teeth and anything she wanted to have my mother back again. But then she was my best friend, and I liked doing whatever I could for her. She kept me alive when many times I should have died, she sat with me thru days and weeks of hospitalization, she sat with me thru the birth of my children and she was there with me when my husband died. She never asked a thing in return, I never gave her a chance to ask....if I saw a need I took care of it....I do miss her so, and it's been 15 years since she died.

Answer 7

You have to set boundaries with your mother, and also a better understanding of your mother illness would help.

I woulds suggest that you accompany her to one of her appt, and if she doesn't see a psychiatrist then take the time and help her find one or find one for her. You are not going to be completely out of this, but at least you will be able to say you tried and you won't feel as guilty when you cannot feel her every request of you.

Answer 8

Honesty is the best way to handle this...dont enable her to abuse you...my mom did this too..I sat her down and showed her how she needed to get a life without depending on me to be her gopher..I gave her some phamplets on things people her age were doing in our community..being a volunteer, the singles scene at her age...all kinds of things I got from my local community service area at the chamber of commerce...she was angry at first...and oh the guilt...but I flat out told her I was not taking her guilt trips any longer, I deserve my own life and she was not going to rob me of it. I made it perfectly clear that I loved her but she was stepping over boundries that were not exceptable...she needed to deal with her own anxieties and if she wouldnt, then I would not be there to be her punching bag for her irresponsibilty. I was totally honest with her and did not pull any punches, I told her to stop calling constantly and to leave my marriage alone..I assured her that she raised me to know right or wrong,and that I was out of the nest and she had to stop cradling me...I know some of the things I said hurt her, but she was making my life a living hell and I got to the point I didnt even want to see her again...she tried to pull guilt, but I called it...everytime..I would say "Mom..thats a guilt trip and I wont buy the ticket to go on it -so stop"...She cryed and tried to pull out all the stops, but I held firm, I told her if she wants to be in my life it will be by my rules until we can come to some kind of understanding...She left, and she didnt talk to me for almost 6 months after that, but she did go and look into some of the programs and started her own life...she called me and to my amazement she was alot happier, she died two years ago, but we had a really good relationship by then and she had her own life with lots of friends and things to do..she thanked me for the "tough love"...so dont be afraid...be honest...it will help both of you...

Answer 9

Yes, she needs a hobby. Is there anything at all she is interested in? Also, you need to tell her that you will give her a day or 2 1/2 days and stick to it. She will need to schedule her appointments etc.. on those days.

Answer 10

talk to her. tell her what you've told us here. she doesn't need to be making your life and your husbands miserable.
and I'm sure you could come up with a plan that would make everyone happy.
you all just need to sit down and talk it out.
and remember, she may drive you crazy, but she's still your mom. and you don't know how much you could possibly miss someone until you lose yours.
Best Wishes.