My husband and I are Christians. Tell me this...?

Question

Why am I having a problem with him talking to a fellow church member on myspace? I know he's doesn't have any feelings for her other than as a fellow church member. I guess my problem is that I feel like I'm competing with her for his time. We're having VBS this week and when I get home I call him to tell him what's happened that night. The he proceeds to tell me that the other person told him other things. WHY IS THIS SUCH A PROBLEM FOR ME?????

She is just telling him other things that happened during the evening. BTW...If you're planning to leave smart remarks, dont' bother. For the record...I don't cheat on my husband and he doesn't cheat on me. That is NOT what my question is about. I want to know what to do to better myself about this.

Answer 1

Your husband should not spend that much time talking with this other woman.

Married couples need to treat the Internet as a joint ministry not a solo ministry. And if a couple isn't in agreement about a certain ministry they need to focus in on a ministry where they both agree.

Feel free to show him my answer.

Pastor Art

Answer 2

I say your husband's behavior is out of bounds whether he realizes it or not. One of the first things my wife and I were told in pre-marital counseling is that marriage was the end of serious, opposite sex friendships. His chatting with this other woman on myspace is no different than if you were to talk to another man at length every day over the phone.

The reason this is such a big problem for you is because your instincts are right. Billy Crystal's character in "When Harry met Sally" was right on target when he said that he did not think men and women could just be friends. It always escalates to something more in the heart for at least one of the parties involved. I have had to tell one of my grown (unmarried) daughters this several times over the years. She has tried to "just be friends" with a few guys and this always resulted in hurt feelings because the friendship grew into much more for the guys or for her. I do not wish to be overly dramatic here but I have seen these kinds of friendships between people who are married to others develop into affairs. Yes, it does happen to Christian homes. If I were you I would insist that he stop what he is doing. Tell him how much it bothers you. If he cares anything for your feelings he will stop.

Answer 3

You know what? I totally support your concerns! Did you know that myspace has caused tons of tension between many couples that I know of? I'm getting married soon and to avoid potential problems I took off my profile long ago and maybe your husband should do the same thing to avoid problems.

I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you had a myspace profile and was communicating with another man from church. My advice is just get rid of myspace. If your husband wants to talk to her he can talk with her at church, with you by his side. Have you told him how you felt yet? With out sugar coating the answer? Men are straight forward, directly to the point creatures. If you two are as close as your question implies there should not be a problem at all!

Answer 4

Jealousy. You love your husband and he spends more time talking to another than he does talking to you.
It SHOULD bug you! Don't be naive about what's going on...
You ARE competing for his attention.
Tell him that his online relationship (no matter how innocent) takes time away from the two of you, and it's hurtful.

And, if you know who this woman is at your church, you might want to tell her to quit spending time with your husband online.
What is she? A home wrecker? A lonely divorcee? Or worse yet, another married woman!

If you are all Christians then you should all be sensitive to the issues involved, and stay away from any and all online relationships.

This is an explosive situation. Take the high road and go the Biblical route: Matthew 18:15-19

Answer 5

Just because you are Christian doesnt mean you are stupid...

I think you know why you are having a problem with this - you lack trust in your man. You are jealous. Now, you have to figure out why...

Has he cheated on you in the past, or is there some other reason that you feel threatened by this woman?? It could be that you are picking up subtle clues that he might be cheating. Or, have you always been a jealous person, regardless? either way, this is something only YOU can tell yourself - no one here can know without knowing you personally...

I can tell you this - when I go home at night, I talk to my fiancee about the things that I find important that happened to me that day, including things on this site... If your man is constantly talking about this woman - she is more important in his life than youve been led to believe...

Best of luck.

EDIT - I beleive you whhen you say you are not cheating on him. BUt, are you sure he is not on you?? Can you be certain?? And, if you want to better yourself, then all you can do is let go and NOT be a jealous person... I used to feel that way, but I realized, if I want to be with a beautiful woman, Id better forget about being jealous, or I was going to drive myself crazy. She is beautiful and every guy wants her. I can be a jealous freak, or I can choose to not allow it to affect me. So, I choose to not allow it to affect me. Its pretty simple - life is too short to waste, so if she wants to run off with another guy, I hope she does so sooner rather than later - I aint getting any younger...

Answer 6

I believe in a couple situation that friends should be mutual to both of you...and however old fashioned it sounds...I don't think it is wise for two people of the opposite sex to spend a lot of friendly time together without others and spouses in presence.

I don't care what people say...but, two people of the opposite sex cannot be "just friends" eventhough one in the friendship may totally think that...I bet you the other will have some sort of feelings sooner or later...it is inevitable.

Honey, men, no matter how good they are, are sexual creatures...and given the opportunity and knowledge that they would not be caught ...most would succumb to their desires...remember Frank Gifford...out of town, all alone, thought he would have a one night stand and got set up...most any man in that same situation would have acted the same way...sad, but true....and most men will never admit it.

Anyway, these one on one chat rooms on the internet, etc...are not good things for couples...and besides...why isn't he spending the time with you rather than some person online...you should be his best friend...

Answer 7

Regardless of faith, humans screw around. Your reaction to the myspace stuff may be valid. myspace is not all lonely hearts, there are valid "groups" yet, if the other person is female, caution flag irregardless of faith are in order.

If there is something that needs to be discussed for a VBS class it can generally be handled more effectively either F2F, or Phone then email or web.

Just cause you know he doesn't have feelings for him when not in public doesn't make your insecurity disappear. Tell him you are insecure about her communicating with her. Explain what feelings you have about it and what the root source of those are. If you need to explore those feelings contact a psychologist (NOT a Christian Counselor).

Answer 8

Tell him that you feel you are competing for his attention because you really are. The first part of fixing marital problems is recognizing there is one.

The danger is that he is getting something from this other person that he doesn't feel like you are supplying. Or.. He could just be weak but you should be his primary focus not someone else.

Confront the problem head on don't let it fester. It will only get worse.

Answer 9

Why don't you devote some time to talking to your husband and sorting this out before it causes bigger problems. You may need to seek out the help of a neutral third party, like a marriage counselor. Your husband's time on myspace shouldn't be causing problems since you're no longer in high school. He's being immature. You are his wife, and you need to talk to him (not yell or fight).You really should get this resolved before your husband strays, especially since 50% of American men cheat on their wives.

Answer 10

Let's put the Christianity aside for a minute. Your husband is spending a lot of time on-line talking to a woman about XXXXX. It really doesn't matter what it is. It sounds like he is becoming pretty involved with her life....without you. But his emotional involvement with someone else may feel a little like betrayal to you. A little like jealousy. A little like, "what's going on here?". Only you can decide if his attention to her is becoming more important in his life than his attention to you. It's a good thing to keep on eye on, and a good thing to pull the plug on if you feel it's going to far. Christians can fall in love outside of wedlock too.

Answer 11

Talk to him Tell him that you understand that it more than likely your own insecurities...but the situation makes you very uncomfortable. Take most of the blame on yourself because they are your feelings. Tell him you aren't accusing him of anything...but it is interfering with your ability to be intimate with him.

Now, by taking this approach, you will be able to take his reaction as what is really happening and what he is getting out of it all. If he gets offended by your "feelings" especially if you present them in a non-threating way to him...you have more to be concerned about than you first thought. On the other hand...if he symathizes and comforts you and you have a good heart to heart and he honestly tries to consider your feelings and makes appropate changes because you are the most important person in his life...you know that you have nothing to worry about.

Hope that made sense. But you need to be non threating to him...non accusitory...only then will you be able to know what exactly is going on and where you stand in his affection. If you pick a fight with him...you will loose...period.