Being a good parent: work more or spend lots of time with kids?

Question

I have a friend who is a dad of 3 kids (6-10 yrs) & works as a waiter. He works 11am-2pm and 5pm-9pm on days when he doesn't have his children. He told me he averages 20-30 hours a week. He has joint-custody with his ex-wife, and alternates weeks with the kids placement. He can't support himself, and either lives with his parents or his girlfriend (who has mental health issues).

I told him to work more hours (only up to 40/wk), so he could get his own place, but he tells me, that it would take away time from his kids. He wants to drop them off at school, and also pick them up everyday, and spent as much time as possible with them. He also gets the kids every Wednesday, and his ex every Tuesday, whcih makes his work schedule harder to plan, since it isn't an exact week split.

I am not a parent, but part of me thinks that is a cop-out. It is great that he wants to be with his kids, but being a good parent means "providing" for the kids, not just being with them. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

To me, being a good parent means providing the kids with a good place to sleep, lots of good food, and tons of attention.

I can understand that your friend wants to be free for the kids. I admire that. And if he wants to keep living with his parents, that's his decision. I don't agree with it, but it's his decision to make.

In my opinion, any grown man with two children to support has no business working in a restaurant for tips. He needs to aim higher, get a better job, more education if necessary, and get better pay, so he can support the kids, give them a great place to live, and be the Dad that so many other responsible American men are.

tx mom
debbie

Answer 2

I commend him also for 2 reasons. First he really does want to spend time with his kids, and second, He is working. I was working 50 hours a week with two small children at home, but now I only work part-time and am with my children a lot more. I love it. I cannot imagine working 50 hours a week now. It is different for everyone. I still know people working like I did, but only thinking about the money and what it would buy their kids. It seems like everything is about status. I was not brought up that way, don't get me wrong my parents provided me with what was needed, but not all of the "fluff". The newest and greatest gadgets. As long as he is providing the necessities and is happy, then what is the big deal.

Answer 3

If his kids are in school, then he should consider working a day job where the majority of time he is working is while there in school. Spending time with your kids is very important, but so is teaching them good values. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be living with his parents. It's hard to start over, but he does need a plan on how he is going to get his own place. It may take a while, but it's important to have a plan. Maybe renting a house and getting a roomate would be another alternative.

Answer 4

I'm not a parent (although i would love to be) but i know that one thing i wish i had is more time for the people i love. I make good money and i work about 45 hours a week on average. I live in San Jose and commute to Palo Alto for work and the love of my life lives in Vallejo. I feel like i spend all my life working and driving. My sister has 3 kids who i try to treat as my own because they are wonderful and all kids need guidance.

If i only had more time, i would spend it laughing and loving, not stressing and working. I would be happy to take a pay cut if it would only mean that i work less and get to spend more time with the people i carry in my heart and pictures in my ipod.

I learned through church that prosperity is not "the american dream" of a two bedroom house, two kids, two cars, two incomes, but prosperity of the spirit is worth more than my weight in gold. It is loving, living, laughing, crying and getting the most out of life, most of which all the money in the world can't buy.

There is a balance in life as far as work and personal time goes, but i favor family more than money. Some of the happiest people i know have want for nothing, not because they have every "thing" they want, but because they have everything they need. as long as his kids have what they need then there is no harm done.

Answer 5

I believe that family is the most important thing in life. Being a parent is hard. You want to spend as much time with your children as possible. However, you need to provide for them as well. Kids can be cruel at school. If your children are not dressed well or you don't have a nice house then they get picked on. Sometimes it can be bad enough to effect them their entire lives. I feel that you need to work hard to make money to give them the things they need and make the time that you have with them great. As in everything else in life it is the quality of time over the quantity of time.

Answer 6

well the way i would do it is to create a balance for my kids and financial issue.....what your friend can do (and this is just a suggestion) he could find the work planned out first and work on spending time with his kids around the work plan. I am a parent and let me just say this survival is first than what precious time i have with my kid i make full use of it.

Sometime the time with kids is not as much as my working time but my kids understand and in fact helping me to have my working time. This is because the time spend with them they know will be only for them and bless their little hearts even a few hours a day is enough.

The important thing is not to be there all the time with them but to be there when they need you the most. and I actually took some leave off work (permission given due to sound reason) when my kids need me the most like graduation or when they are ill in the hospital....I learn to weigh things and prioritized what is important.

Answer 7

Jim he is working 40 hours-i wonder where his ex works and what she does just out of curiosity

peace of mind can not be paid for and if his ex doenst have to worry about the kids making it to school or getting home because he is willing to sacrifice so that they can be safe then i am fine with that.

you can ask many people if they have day care and they will say yes but ask how many like having their kids there and most will say they dont.

its a tough situation-only you know your friend but there is a woman here in answers now looking for alternatives to latch keying her 3 girls who run the risk of being raped in a not so good neighborhood coming home alone.

Bottom line each family has to do what is best for them

not sure this answers your wuestion but i h ope it gives a different perspective

Answer 8

No you have good reason to feel the way you do about your friends situation. Personally, I feel that spending alot of time with your child is crucial to their development, but you can do this and hold a steady job at the same time. My husband works 40+ hours a week and he still spends plenty of time with our children. Spending too much time with your child could make them too dependent on you, thus making it harder for both you and them to be away from them later on in life. Im with my kids 24/7 and am wanting to get a job now just to give them some time away from me. My son is far too dependent on me. He is 11 months old, and wont let anyone around him but me! But my daughter, who is 2, is very independent! Just try explaining to your friend that you can be a good father and be there for your kids and still hold a full time job with decent hours!

Answer 9

I can see your point, but in a way, taking care of his kids is saving him tons in after school care fees, which can be up to $300 per kid, per month- some places it is even more. There is no point in working to make that amount- just to turn around and spend it on after school care. It is just one of those tricky financial issues that all parents have to figure out. Working as a waiter he is limited because he makes roughly the same as childcare expenses. It is good that he want to be with his kids either way. That is a good dad. But he needs to protect his kids from the crazy girlfriend- that is not healthy for them.

Answer 10

I think it's a cop-out, what kind of example does he think he's setting for his kids if he can't support himself, and has them in a home with a mentally unstable girlfriend?

This guy could easily fit in 40 hours of work a week and still have plenty of time with his kids.