My fiance just found out that he is not the biological father of his 14 year old son.?

Question

He had dated the mother for a very short period of time (it was a one night stand) and has raised his "son" from the beginning. My fiance wants to continue being a father and will keep paying child support. He is torn as to if and when he should tell his son this information. He would, however, like to tell the mother he knows he is not the biological father so she will back off. (She is always calling for more money even though she gets child support. She also expects my fiance to take his son whenever it is convenient for her and it is always outside of the visitation agreement.) The problem is that this woman is very selfish and my fiance believes she will tell his son in a cruel and hurtful way in order to redeem herself and justify what she has done. (We believe she knew that my fiance was not the biological father and "trapped" him.) Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated?

It fist started by my fiance hearing rumors that his ex had been sleeping with a couple of different men when she had gotten pregnant and he was not the father. After a years of hearing rumors and people saying he and his son looked nothing alike, he decided to find out once and for all and got the DNA test done himself. Unfortunately, the results proved that the rumors were true and he is not the biological father.

Answer 1

Okay first off i'm sorry to hear your husband to be recieved this heart braking news.

Two props to him for being willing to continue what he's been doing for 14 yrs .

As far as paying any childsupport, NO! GO TO COURT SHOW THEM THE PROOF! he's no longer financially responsible for this child he didn't create and shouldn't have to be. If he wants to pay child support then take what he would have been paying and drop it in to a savings account for the child for when he's ready to go to college.

As far as visitation. Go for it. I'm sure this child needs a great strong male roll model in his life and i'm sure he's getting that.

As far as telling him. I think you should tell him. He's 14, i'm sure he has some understanding of the birds and the bees and some of that stuff. Sit him down and explain to him that he loves him very dearly and that he's very important to him, but that he's not the father who made him, but that he is the father who wants to raise him. This way the mother can't distroy any pictures this child has in his head about his dad.

I would normally say dont say anything, let it go untill he's 18 if the mother wasn't a wack job nut and out to hurt her kid.

At this point i would drop what ever your belief is about her, it doesn't matter at this point, your husband to be is definatly more of a man then she will ever be of a women.

Answer 2

Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. My first question is how your fiance found this out. Was it a private test that he can control the information or did someone spill the beans on something the mother said or what? If your fiance won't be able to control the information, IE he heard some gossip or it was a court ordered DNA test, he should tell his son what's going on and then take the issue up with the mother and the courts if necessary. He may have to anyway because even not being the biological father doesn't necessarily negate a court order for child support.

If this is information that he can control the access too, then I'd say he has to decide. If he want's to be the dad then be the dad. Don't tell ANYONE about this until his son is 18 and can legally make his own decisions. Until that time continue working things out with the mom to the best of his ability and be the best father in the world. After 18 it's up to him if he wants to tell his son.

But if he tells the mom before his son is 18 he'll open a whole can of worms. If there's a court order, he'll still be liable for child support in most states. He'll have to go back to court to make that stop. Even if he is willing to pay, most states are more willing to cut visitation if there is a question of paternity while keeping the support order in place so he could face a situation where he's paying but not getting to see his son. That means that a "selfish woman" as you describe her could have the upper hand. I wouldn't want to give that kind of power to a person you believe would tell her son this news in a hurtful way to get even.

Answer 3

What a complex problem. I think if I were your fiance, I would wait until the son is 18 years old to tell him. At that time, your fiance's financial responsibility will be done, and the "mother" cannot cause any more trouble, even though it sounds like your fiance will still want to have his son in his life. I think he's right that the mother will tell the son in a hurtful way. She may also make it difficult for your fiance to see his son since he's not the biological father, so I would keep the secret for now.

Answer 4

This is a really hard question, I feel that your fiance should be the one that sit's down and talks to him and let the child know that he has been his dad all this time and it won't change. He needs to know just because there is no blood shared between them don't change how much he loves him and he still wants to be part of his life. He is at the age of understanding. I told my daughter the truth about my husband not being her father when she was young maybe to young she was around 4 but still that is the only dad she has ever known and he loves her to. She asks about her real dad now she is 8 and I tell her the truth about everything I just don't want my kids to ever look at me and say I lied to them. The mother of that boy should be ashamed not only did she mess with the child emotionally but she also messed with your fiance and the fact that she wants to keep another secret from her child makes me sick. You can not play games when it comes to children's heads that's not right and the actually father missed out on seeing his child grow up. So she played games with 3 different people's life's and one day she will be the one that has to pay for the consequences

Answer 5

He has to tell his son the truth. If he waits too long to tell him then his son may feel betrayed. There is nothing worse than going your whole life believing that someone is your biological father and they are not. He has to be honest with his son. That does not mean that he has to stop being his father but at least his son will know the truth now instead of finding out later.

If his mother is that childish to where she would try to do anything to sabotage his relationship with his son, then you cannot be concerned with that. All that she has done thus far is already being noted by God and she will eventually have to pay her horrible actions. Your fiance cannot be worried about what she thinks or does, he has to be concerned with the well being of his child. The mother will have her day.

Just tell him to be honest with his son and afterwards, do all that he can to try to preserve the relationship between the two of them. Don't worry about the mother, she is grown and can take care of herself. The child should be the main concern because he is vulnerable and he is the one that needs all the support he can get.

Answer 6

Legally, there are remedies to his situation. Many states in the US will allow a court appointed lab to do a DNA test to prove your fiance's claim hence stop the child support, however, you have stated that he still want s to be a father to his 'son' and continue paying child support. In that, I commend him for the integrity he demonstrates and the love he has for a child that has nothing to do with the utter irresponsibility and deceitfulness of his mother. It would be best for him to tell his son the truth, once he is certain of it, before the child's mother in an attempt to discredit your fiancee and adjudicate all the blame on him. He should also tell this despicable woman that he knows the truth and that he will take no part in any more of her, so far, successful attempts to blackmail him into submission. One must be assertive and show no fear under these circumstances, otherwise you run the risk of forever being someone's patsy! Again, kudos to your man for being the way he is and to you for supporting him!

Answer 7

He should have a talk with the son before he talks with anyone else. Tell the son, he loves him and they will always have a father/son relationship, and he is going to continue the child support. Then ... tell the mother of the child that he knows he has been scammed for 14 years, but he does love the boy and will continue support at the present level. If good ol' mom tries to create drama after this, she will be the villain.

Answer 8

Don't tell. The child will be the only one suffering if he knows the truth.

In four years, the son will be 18, an adult. In the meantime, he's a teenager entering high school.

This is the age where kids experience all kinds of turmoil in their lives. For your fiance to give this child this kind of news is not recommended.

While your fiance and ex fight it out in court, can they have their case sealed? Whatever they want to tell each other should be in private, not for the boy to hear.

Your fiance has been a father to this child since he was a baby (am I correct?) That means he's been the child's father. You can't call yourself a father just by donating your sperm.

It's only four years. Four very important years in this child's life. If your fiance really wants to tell the boy, wait. Let him finish high school. Let the child know that he's loved, and that he has a father, his own father, to support him.

Has the ex threatened to reveal the truth if he doesn't pay more. If not, then it shows that she cares for her son's feelings. But if she has been threatening, then your fiance needs to be the adult in this situation.

Answer 9

He can't have it both ways to want to be the father but not to offer any extra help. I get child support for my 5 year old every week and it's never even close to paying half of everything he needs. If she says she needs money for something split the cost with her. Simply tell her I'm not paying all of it but I'll give you so much towards it. If I were him I wouldn't take him when it's convenient for her because she can't have it both ways either. Taking him every now and then when she has something to do would be ok but not all the time. Make sure he keeps taking him for reg. visits though. Any extra is a benefit for the child to spend time with who he knows as dad. At 14 I think he's old enough to know the truth. They both need to be responsible for what has happened. Him for not having a paternity test when he was born and her for not telling the truth if she knew. It is great that he still wants to be there but it needs to be all or nothing.

Answer 10

If he knows for certain, he should tell his son before saying anything to the mother of the child. That way she can't use it to hurt their relationship, and if she tries she will come off as the bad guy. Plus having that open communication with his son, and continuing to raise him as his own is a wonderful thing that they should discuss together before this woman is allowed to try and poison the mind of someone who will, no doubt, be going through a rough adjustment.