Is it wrong to suggest my grandfather be placed into a nursing home?

Question

My grandfather is 77 , in advanced stage 3 of Alzheimer's and has 90% Black lung. He stays chronically ill, in the hospital litteraly every week. He has now become increasingly violent and delusional, so much to the point my grandmother can no longer contain him. My parents will not move him in because my grandmother has refused to do so.

Being how he is violent and uncontrollable for my grandmother. I suggested the possiblity of a nursing home where he could get the proper attention he needs. My grandmother has been in denial of this and refuses to admit he has Alzheimer's despite the doctor's report clearly stating it and hiself clearly showing it.

Yesterday he climbed ontop of a TV and tried to go out of a window, the TV fell on him but luckily he was pinned between it and a chair, thus not hurting him.

I know a lot of nursing homes are bad and mistreat patients, but I do not have any other solution since they will not agree on anything, what should I do?

Im going to add a few details to this dilemma that should be taken into consideration :

When I said my grandmother denies his Alzheimer's I truly mean it. She has said everything from " it's beause he takes his oxygen mask off that he acts this way,not Alzheimer's" or " I think his blood sugar is up" despite him having no blood sugar problems in his history.

I hate to get personal but last night was the dilemma of him having ,er, bowel problems. He unfortunately decided to go everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Doctor's declared it Diarehha, her prognosis? " I think he snatched a box of Exlax while I had him in the store!" I mean come on, it's total denial and it's not helping him or us.

The other topic has been a live in nurse? Well, she has refused that stating "THIS IS MY HOUSE" and went so far as to accuse my grandfather of infidelity with walk-in nurses. Truthfully? She's the one with mental problems, but we can't convince the doctors of this. My parents need POA.

Answer 1

I do agree strongly with you. There is just a time and a place for everything. I admire your grandmother's desire to have her husband at home and to care for him until his end. They may even have promised each other this, but as he is increasingly violent and delusional, how can this be good for her? She may also be being hurt by him and not telling anyone. I have seen it happen. You DO have some other choices: 1) A family member could go live with them or come in every day and bring them meals, etc. to help them out, give your grandmother a break and some well-needed support and care. 2) Contact the visiting nurses (VNA) and see if they can help with resources and set up a personal care attendant to come in the home and help w/ your grandfather's care. I am almost positive he's covered under Medicare for these services. 3) There is also a time when families band together and unfortunately have to take control and make decisions for their elders when their elders are not or can no longer act in their own best interests. I think you're about there, aren't you? If your grandmother is in denial and is not able, for whatever the reasons, to make decisions in her own best interest, it's time for an intervention, especially if caring for your grandfather in undermining her own health or well-being. Is she getting enough food, rest, sleep, time for herself? Is he hurting her physically? How does anyone in the family know what's going on if they're always alone together? Usually in caring for a person w/ Alzheimer's, a person's sleep is the first area to be disturbed. How do any of you know how many times a night he's waking her up? 4) There are places where couples are allowed to go together. I know this b/c my father's parents lived in a facility such as this at the end of their lives. It was in Sanford, ME, and it was a WONDERFUL place. My grandmother continued her painting here. My grandfather continued to flirt with and chase the nurses there. When each of them died, we had personnel from the home come to their funerals, and in the case of my grandmother, they were crying as they said good-bye to her, so I KNOW they loved and cared for her (and him, altho' that was a bit more difficult, I think, b/c he was a rascal.) They treated my grandparents as they would have treated their own loved ones. So I need you to know that there are very, very good places out there as well as bad, and you will soon learn to see and to know the diffence. Both my grands had Alzheimer's by the way. Also, there have been many class action suits brought on by sufferers of Black Lung that provided for monies for longterm medical care. Do you know if your GF either ever participated in one of these suits or saw any funds from one of them? Many counties in coal mining areas have an Ombudsman or a Medical Coordinator to oversee these suits and their pools of money. I would first ask my grandmother, and then contact the County or your GF's personal physician to ask about this. Certainly w/ this many medical conditions and issues, your family could use the assistance at the moment. Ask for help. Investigate what resources are out there for your Grandparents.

Answer 2

A lot of nursing homes are not bad and do not mistreat patients. They may have low paid and low skilled employees, (compared to registered nurses and concierges) but most try very hard to be kind to people they think the world has given up on.

You are (even if you're 40) too young in this family to be taken seriously. To help, you must enlist allies. Call your grandfather's doctor; s/he can't tell you much about Grandpa due to confidentiality, but you can talk all you want and may give the doctor more ammunition for another try at Grandma. Contact the hospital and ask to talk to the social worker. Tell him/her everything you've written here and the next time Grandpa is admitted the social worker can take on this task.

Has anyone considered that Grandma may be less than competent here? Caring for an Alzheimer's patient can be wearing in a lot of ways. Loss of sleep alone can cause anything from poor judgment to delusions. If your parents are determined, they could go to court and have her declared incompetent to provide Grandpa's care and get a court-appointed guardian. Since this will cause a major rift in the family, they probably should ask to be the guardian themselves and should prepare for major fall out.

We could be harsh here and say that the problem will resolve itself before many months, but that ignores the fact that hard feelings, maybe estrangement will persist for years, maybe lifetimes after Grandpa's gone.

Answer 3

You must know that your grandmother and parents have already talked about this. You suggesting it would not be a new idea--believe me. You said that your parents will not move him....it's not "will not", it's your grandmother who won't. The only way your parents could over-ride your grandmother's wishes is to have your grandfather declared incompetent and have your parents get his "power of attorney." That will be hard to do and cost your parents and grandmother a lot of money because they'll have to get lawyers. Maybe your grandmother would allow a home healthcare nurse?
Not all places are bad. There are plenty of assisted living centers that have progressive care. That means they will continue to care for a person as their conditions worsen. they wouldn't have to be moved to another home again.

Answer 4

Thats a tuff one Mike.My mother had alzheimers also for about 6 years.She past away at age 66 .My dad took care of her the best he could and never complained.It was hard on him because he was older than her.He took care of her as long as he could then had to put her in a nursing home cause he was too exhausted to take care of her.They mis treated her in the home as my dad and I both abserved by the bruises on her body.My dad pulled her out of the home and hired a personal caretaker to live in his home and take care of my mom.He didnt want to leave her in the home because they were not taking care of her very well but he needed some rest.The live-in helper was the best thing to do for he had no other choice.My mom past away 3 weeks later in her own bed.Hope that helps.Just pray and search your conscience and you will know what the best thing to do is.I can feel your pain and frustration brother-Hang in there.

Answer 5

The only other solution is to hire an at home sitter, expreienced with dementia & alzheimer's. That way your grandmother will have the piece of mind of having him at home with her. The sitter could also help your grandmother with simple household chores. Where I live (Louisiana) the sitters charge 8-12 bucks an hour. Well worth it.

Answer 6

I don't think your wrong in suggesting this. I work in a Nursing Home sometimes and I feel the care they get is excellent. There are a few that shouldn't work at a nursing home, but, the majority are good people with compassion, love and empathy. I think it would be a benefit to your family to have your grandfather there, since he would be safe.

Answer 7

I am not sure why this is your issue and not that of your parents and your grandmother....but, if you feel you must do something, you can call adult protective services and ask that your grandfather's situation be assessed by one of their professionals, if they deem he is a danger to himself or anyone else, they have the authority to take the decision out of your grandmother's hands and do what is best for all concerned. IE, admit him to a facility where he will be safer, and will be less likely to hurt someone else. You won't be popular for doing this, but it is the right thing to do if no one else in the family can come to the correct conclusion.

Answer 8

I don't think so. But you have to realize it's a delicate and bad situation all around and one that has probably already been brought up.

My roommate's mom has to take her best friend of for like... 40 years and put her in a nursing home. She doesn't want to, but she knows that since the husband died and the kids are gone she can't care for herself properly.

Answer 9

putting anyone you love in a nursing home can be very hard. you have to understand that if this is what is best for him, it is what you have to do. your grandmother would hate to she the man she loves have to go through this and living in a nursing home, but it just has to be done. he could hurt her when he gets so violent. and he could hurt himself. i think it really would be best to have a "family meeting" about this and come to a fair conclusion. best wishes.

Answer 10

do your family members have other options? sit down with them and discuss the pros and cons of each of your suggestions. a nursing home isn't so bad. just try to choose one that offers the best care for patients like your grandpa. once he is confined there, try to visit him often so you'll know if he is being treated well.