I recently (on Tuesday) found out that my daughters biological father passed away in May (2007) from a drug overdose. First of all I'm devastated that I found out 49 days after it happened and I think going to the funeral would have helped me with the acceptance and closure I'm struggling to have. I still cannot accept that he is gone..that he's dead..and it was by overdose.
He always had drink and drug problems, he was an addict when I met him..well at that time recovering. I was very young 17, he was older, 36. He was more like a friend to me then a lover, and he helped me get my life steered into a positive direction.. I stayed on that course of a "better life", he didn't and I feel terribly guilty now that hes gone. I feel like its my fault. I feel like if he would have had a reason to straighten out he would have and he wouldn't be dead. I think his reason was supposed to be our daughter, and I kept her away.
2007-07-19
02:40:26
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18 answers
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asked by
Anonymous
in
Family & Relationships
➔ Family
I've been told that I was doing what I had to to protect her, but I feel and know that I never gave him a descent chance to show us that he could make a long term change. Maybe if I would have, he'd still be alive? He cared about her a lot.. there is no debating that.
I'm so angry. The anger I feel is tremendous. I'm very angry at him for dying that way because one day that is what I must tell her about her biological father. I'm mad at my current husband for having a part in the choice i made of keeing her away from him... I'm scared i'm not going to make it threw this.. so much regret... when I try to tell myself he's gone I can't breath, all I do is cry or sleep.. Whats wrong with me? I hadn't even seen in him in 3 years. Our daughter just turned 6. I didn't even love him (like that) why am i taking this so hard? I'm so sad. He died all alone in a rooming house... such a sad end to a sad and lonely life, He would have walked threw hell and back for her and I
2007-07-19
02:46:38 ·
update #1
but he couldn't stop the using?
2007-07-19
02:46:56 ·
update #2
DmesticGodess: Thank you for your suggestion, i think something like that may help since as I was reading it I began to cry thinking of being there and doing that. My daughter just turned 6 and has no recollection of him, so I have not told her yet (that was a different question). She visited with him about 5 or 6 times from birth to about 3 years old, and thats it because he couldnt stay sober for very long. My current husband is who she knows as her 'daddy'.. I met him when she was just a baby.
He directed me on the right path because at that time we were both in recovery (thats where i met him- drug treatment) I was able to never touch drugs again and I believe its my daughter that gave me that strength.. I never let him experience the same thing.. another life solely depending on you.
2007-07-19
03:12:43 ·
update #3
Choices, it is all about choices. He chose to drink and he chose to do drugs and he died due to his choices (overdose). I do not mean that to sound harsh or ugly, but it was his choice to do the things he did and live the way he lived. You protected your daughter from being exposed to that by keeping her away from him. That was a choice you made for the best interest of your daughter. You did not drive him to drink, you did not make him do drugs and he did have a reason to straighten out. You can not take credit or blame for the decisions he made. Just think for a second, had you allowed him to see your daughter and she got in the car with him and he went and got drunk or high and drove off down the road with her in the car and killed her because of his choice to drink or do drugs, how would you feel then? You can not let this become your problem, unless you got him the drugs, then you did not contribute. Stop feeling sorry that it took 49 days for you to find out, from the sounds of it, you were no longer in his life and he was no longer in yours so there is not reason to think you would be on the first line of notification. Just thank God that you still have your daughter and that she is healthy and alive.
2007-07-19 03:11:22
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answer #1
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answered by Suthern R 5
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Even though he had "drinking and drug problems when you met him, he steered you into a positive direction?" I'm not understanding that.
I do know that you should not feel guilty for keeping your child away if he was still into the drinking/drug culture. You have been protecting a child. Be proud of yourself.
His death was NOT your fault. Do not take that responsibility away from him. He did this to himself.
For closure, you should go to the cemetery where he is buried, and bring some helium-filled balloons. Make sure you write down all your feelings about his death on small pieces of paper and place each slip of paper inside one of the balloons before you get them filled up with the helium. And You can even take a lawn chair if you plan on staying there for a while. As you are at the cemetery by his tombstone, release these balloons.
Some of your biggest concerns about his death should be eased a bit, and going to his resting place to visit will help give you the closure that you need.
One more thing, You should take your daughter with you as well. She needs to know where her Daddy is. You didn't say how old she is, but that isn't the point. She needs some closure about him as well. It isn't right to tell her he's gone, or in a better place, without showing her where he REALLY is.
2007-07-19 02:54:59
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answer #2
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answered by domesticgoddess 4
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He was an addict when you met him and much older than you are, so he should have known better. Stop feeling guilty, it's not your fault that he died of overdose but it is only normal to feel grief. Go ahead cry. And don't sort of blame your current husband for helping in your decision to keep your daughter away from her father. An addict even though he's the father might do something bad to your daughter...who knows what he would have done to your daughter once he's high on drugs. So focus on the positive. At least your ex is now at peace.
2007-07-19 03:11:19
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answer #3
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answered by Anonymous
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I am sorry you are going thru this - I know how the guilt feels. My brother passed away from a drug overdose many years ago. He died alone also. You are left feeling that there was something that you could have or should have done - but in reality - you were not feeding him the drugs. We all tried so hard to help him but unless they want help and admit there is a problem, it won't happen. Honey - think of it this way. He knew he had a child and he loved her, so he is the one that should have taken the steps to free himself of his additions - you did it. Some people may not be as strong but that is not your fault. Sometimes they just have too many demons. I understand the anger towards your husband but I am sure he was also looking out for yours and your daughter's safety and sanity. I think it is also harder for you since you found out after the fact and did not have a chance to go to the funeral. I hope and pray for you that your pain goes away soon. I am sure that he is looking down knowing that he has you to take care of his daughter and you are strong. You don't ever have to bad mouth him to your daughter - he just had problems that he could not deal with. He was human. It will take time but you will heal - there may always be that little sadness in your heart but be strong for your child. I really think that counseling will help you to sort out all of these emotions - so PLEASE do that for yourself. Love to you and prayers.
2007-07-19 03:58:46
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answer #4
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answered by Babycat 5
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Hi Hon...
I'm so sorry this has hit you so hard, and i don't think it's abnormal... anger and guilt are part of the grieving process...
but it's NOT YOUR FAULT....!!
The truth is, your child's father's addiction was likely the result of him trying to cope with some life trauma(s) by escaping via the use of drugs... instead of getting proper help, many of us turn to a false reality. He had problems before you met him, and these were the cause of his death.
Hon i know what i'm talking about, i'm a recovering alcoholic. No one forced me to drink... it was my choice and an attempt to escape the pain in my life. (didn't work tho).
After a person is in recovery, most continue to have the urge to use... the best way to describe it is that their brain is craving... when the relapse and quit the drugs again, the cravings are stronger (after every relapse).
You didn't cause this man to take drugs, nor his addiction. You made the choice which you felt SAFEST for your daughter during her father's life. And it was likely the same choice the majority of the population would have made.
Please don't beat yourself up because your ex was an addict. It wasn't your fault that he couldn't be responsible or provide a safe or stable environment for his daughter. It was his fault, for not getting proper help.... or trying to straighten out his own life.
You aren't responsible for anyone else... heck, hon,, it's difficult enough to manage our own lives, let alone that of another person....
He DID have a reason to straighten out (his child), but he chose otherwise. again not your fault.
I have posted a couple of websites dealing with grief below. If you consider looking at these, i hope they help
After you have taken a period of time to grieve (everyone needs that), and you feel you're not coping well, you might consider grief therapy? I think that many communities offer grief support groups too...
Alanon might be another helpful support group for you... even though you haven't been dealing with your ex directly for some time now, perhaps the people in Alanon can help or give you suggestions to move on with life.
I surely hope you get some good answers here. I'll be thinking of you... you're in my prayers.
don't blame yourself... hugs hugs
2007-07-19 03:21:08
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answer #5
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answered by letterstoheather 7
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He always had drink and drug problems, he was an addict when I met him..well at that time recovering. I was very young 17, he was older, 36. He was more like a friend to me then a lover, and he helped me get my life steered into a positive direction.. I stayed on that course of a "better life", he didn't and I feel terribly guilty now that hes gone. I feel like its my fault. I feel like if he would have had a reason to straighten out he would have and he wouldn't be dead. I think his reason was supposed to be our daughter, and I kept her away.
2007-07-19 02:48:47
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answer #6
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answered by GV N 1
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You kept her away for something..maybe from seeing her father drunk and high all the time.. you did the right thing look here, your daugther came first and where ever this man is at right now he is not resenting you for nothing, he is at peace now drugs and alcohol are demons that only the person who is doing it can quit and leave back he couldn't with or with out you this was his destiny, it was better this way so your daughter would not have a horrible life watching her dad waste his life away, believe me my father was a heroin addict he is now after 20 years clean dying of hepatitis c I always resented my mother for not leaving him.. I hated to see him that way.. I wish I grew up away from him.. I love my dad don't get me wrong.. But if I could take back the hands of times, I still wish I didn't witness that part of his life... Move on and give it closure it wasn't your fault.. he is out of pain now. good luck.
2007-07-19 02:51:34
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answer #7
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answered by boricua_2290 5
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I myself lost my father whom I had not seen in about a year. When I arrived he was in a coma, and never even knew I was there. I will give you the same advice I give myself every morning, You have no control over the decisions he made and you being in his life would not have changed his choices. You have to keep moving in a positive direction for your daughter, and the best way to truly honor his memory is to make sure she is happy and secure. If his reason was supposed to be your daughter, why wasn't she important enough for him to kick the addiction for her? I hope my answers help you some, and to learn a little bit more about grief check out my article at www.associatedcontent.com/user/88195/letrecia_dixon.html it is entitled Letting Go
2007-07-19 07:49:03
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answer #8
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answered by JustBCause 2
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What ur feeling now is normal and real, im not an expert but i think it is something that could have made him complete if he had the chance to be together with you and the child... holding on to something that is positive when you know that all you ever had in ur life is negative and bad... but thats what he wants you to think. he wants u to think that it was ur fault were in fact it was his own call to do the right thing. Same like what you did, you chose the right path and he did not. if u have chosen to stay with him, u would have been dead too and the child would have been i some institution suffering from losing her parents.
to ease up ur burden and to lighten up ur grief and guilt, close ur eyes for a while and think back of the good things that he could have done to you and to your child... think of the good things that he can provide to you and to the child... a house to live in, food and clothing, moral values for ur child, love and time for u and the child, proper education and good family... if u think that he could have given all of these to you and to your child even though he was an addict and have drinking problems, then its alright that you feel its ur fault... but hey, i think what u did was for ur child's best interest.
it was his decision to stay under the influence of drugs and he has been like that even before u knew him, and i think with that kind of character of getting u into a relationship while ur under aged is not a good sign that he did not have other girls before you and got them pregnant just like you...
he messed up his life and he feel he cant cope up, if he thinks that u and the child would have straighten him and made him complete, he would have done something to become responsible enough to deserve u and the child... but i think he did not do that since u did not mentioned it. so i think he made that decision and u turned in the right direction.
so cheer up a bit and talk to ur daughter and tell her the truth about her dad... that u made love and had her but her dad couldn't help himself and was hooked up to drugs and got messed up. that if u did not made that decision of leaving him... u would have died too and ur daughter is in an institution taking cared of by other people... i hope my insight helps u somehow to make u think the other way around... life has so much to offer, dont waste it by feeling sorry of the past... move forward!!!
2007-07-19 03:04:35
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answer #9
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answered by RetHeLyN 2
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Hi Dear,
guilt is normal to feel while you are grieving... it is irrational emotion but don't let that take over your life. You will feel that way for a long while but you will eventually get over that feeling.
Remember, it was not your fualt. He overdosed because he couldn't stop. You didn't make him an addict. Plus, if you kept his daughter away from him, there must have been a reason, right? Do you want a drug addict to influence your daughter. I am saying this not to bash him, but to help you survive.
*HUGs*
2007-07-19 02:46:19
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answer #10
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answered by Centered 4
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