Please do not judge me…?

Question

I hate myself. I have been unemployed for a year and one day and I feel so ashamed. I’m not exactly qualified for any of the jobs I really want because of my lack of formal education. The only positions that are attainable right now would be being a waitress/hostess or salesperson. I am extremely nervous around people to the point that I do not leave the house very much except for an excruciating daily run to Starbucks and Whole Foods. I cry very easily and this has happened quite a bit, especially at my last job, where I’d have a meltdown and it would deter customers from coming into the store. Sometimes I would get extremely red and flustered (especially around my boss) and then feel like I was about to have a panic attack at work. Often I could not even pinpoint what triggered it. Everyone I know hates me for not working. No one seems to understand or care how nervous I am around people, they just instantly assume I’m lazy and unmotivated. I think I might have Agoraphobia (an anxiety disorder which primarily consists of the fear of experiencing a difficult or embarrassing situation from which the sufferer cannot escape). On top of this, each passing day is a reminder that I have not been able to face my boyfriend’s parents or friends since I’ve been unemployed. When I think about this (every single day) I feel like my heart is going to explode b/c I do not see how I will ever be able to face any of them ever again. They are aware I have taken every measure possible to avoid them (even when I had a job, I felt extremely stressed around these people). Also, I have so many doubts about my bf I fear they will sense that if I am around them. I just don’t want these people to think I am “a user” because I’ve been unemployed for so long. The two anti-depressants I’ve tried so far did little to alleviate my anxious feelings. If and when I work up the nerve to go to a job interview (I understand I can not remain unemployed forever) how will I explain to future employers my long period of unemployment? How do I eventually explain going into hiding to my boyfriend’s parents and friends when I finally see them?

I have been to therapists off and on my entire life to deal with my mom being sick, then eventually dying. Yes, my bf is the only person I feel comfortable around.

I tried the inpatient thing at one point. I put on a happy face and got myself out of there too soon, which I regret. Part of the problem is, I lack a high school degree, supportive family/friends and medical insurance. I dropped out of school because I couldn’t handle the daily stress of being around so many judgmental people.

Did I mention I can’t sleep at night? I get three or four hours of sleep at most and it takes me close to seven hours to fall asleep. This has been an ongoing problem for as long as I can remember. It has really affected my ability to concentrate and be productive. For some reason, prescription sleeping pills do not seem to work for me, though I have only tried two different kinds.

Answer 1

Hi, sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. You really shouldn't! I'm unemployed too! And I've got my head held high! Being in a relationship is about supporting each other, so don't think you are a 'user'.

I know that you have tried therapy, but please, please, please try Cognitive Behavorial Therapy. CBT is proven to be the most effective thing for panic attacks, agorophobia and anxiety etc. It takes a bit of work, but it is super effective. (After 15 years of panic attacks and social anxiety, mine stopped completely). You can speak to your doctor about taking a course or you can take a course for free online at: www.livinglifetothefull.com As you are at home alot, you can really dedicate the time to making yourself better! It'll be time well spent!

In addition, the following steps will eliminate (or at least significantly reduce) your panic attacks:

1. Breathe properly - if you control your breathing, you control panic. As soon as you notice the signs of anxiety, check your breathing: breathe in slowly through your nose pushing your tummy out (to the count of 5 or so). Breathe out slowly and for a bit longer (to the count of 7 or so) through your mouth. Do not breathe rapidly or shallowly (in the chest area). This will soon restore the balance of oxygen and you will feel a lot better.

2. Try relaxation exercise tapes (progressive muscular relaxation). They really help if you practise often enough. You can get free downloads in you put "progressive muscle relaxation" into Google (e.g. lots of universities have them as free downloads)

With each step practise makes perfect. (i.e. practise the steps every day, not just when you are feeling bad).

Also you don't need to 'explain' yourself to anyone. I don't. And if I feel pressure to say something, I say I'm taking some time out from the workplace. As for what you can say to prospective employers:
1. I was sick.
2. I was writing a novel (start writing one and it's not a lie).
3. I was travelling (travel somewhere and it's not a lie)
4. You were looking after a relative

I hope you feel better soon. Best of luck!

Answer 2

My dear friend (may I call you this?),
your long letter struck a chord in me (and I read it all to the very end). I wish I could tell you that "I know how you feel" but I can't. I can only imagine how terrifying feeling it must be.
You hit the nail on the head when you diagnosed your condition.You fit the profile of an agoraphobic....Luckily for you there is a treatment and it comes in the form of a small pill!!!
So, back to the doctor you go, explain the symptoms as you did here (about not being able to leave the house and your fear around people) and ...voila!!Take once a day and in a few weeks you will be a new person!!!
Unlike others personality disorders, agoraphobia can be treated very successfully and easily.Look it up on line if you need more info, you'll be surprised on what med they use to treat it.
From the multiple answers you got seems that you moved a lot of people with your prea for help.Please dont be embarassed from your lack of employment, is not because you are lazy.Read "majnum"s responce, very inspiring!!
You must be very intelligent and from the way you express yourself I'd guess you are a college grad (at least).
So, start taking that small pill and rethink of your future with diff eyes.Part time work along with community college is the start.
I am sure in awhile looking back you'll think it was all a bad dream:)
I'll be thinking and praying for you. (And somewhere up there your mom will be smiling wpride for her little girl too:)

Good luck!!

Answer 3

Having anxiety and/or depression is not something to be ashamed of. It is a disorder that you cannot help, but you can get treatment for.

You need to talk to a doctor about this and the anti-depressants you've taken in the past without success. Being honest with your doctor about everything will be the best help to getting you on the proper medication and getting the proper treatment and/or therapy. Unfortunately, antidepressants can require some trial and error. I was treated with several medications before the right one for me was found.

Once you get get on the right track health-wise, then you can start thinking about employment. Maybe going back to school would be a better option. You may be eligible for grants to get your education. Since you don't like going out in public, many schools offer online programs.

When you have to explain your unemployment to a potential employer, explain that you were being treated for an illness during this time and could not work. You do not need to elaborate any further.

I wouldn't even worry about "explaining" yourself at this point. Right now you need to focus on getting yourself well.

I wish you the best!

Answer 4

Well...there are several people on here who certainly are not helping you feel any better.

Please reconsider extensive inpatient treatment. This time, you need to be completely honest about how you feel about yourself and not "hide behind a happy face". Therapy only works if you face your problems and work with someone to overcome them.

At the very least, you need to be in some type of therapy program. I'm thinking that you may have social anxiety disorder, for starters. It probably goes deeper than that but it gives you a starting point. Also, how far in school did you go? Did you graduate from high school? If not, this might be a good time to see about going back. If you succeed...and I hope you do...it would give you a much-needed boost to your self confidence and self esteem. You can look into options about obtaining your GED. If you did finish high school, look into a local technical college. Most offer placement testing to see where your strengths lie in order to help you choose a career path.

Help IS available. The question is, are you brave enough to ask for it? You are one of many people who feel the way you do. It can be dealt with...it can be overcome. However, no one can do that for you. It's something that you will have to work for. It will take time and it will be hard, but it CAN be done.

Best of luck to you. I sincerely hope you seek the help you so desperately need.

EMT

Answer 5

I am thinking an inpatient recovery program may be most helpful for you right now. It will help you figure out exactly what is wrong and find ways to either cure or control it, and it will give you legitimate reason for long periods without employment--you were ill and needed medical attention. Emotional illness is just as serious as physical illness and the sooner you address it, the sooner you can emerge to a normal life. Go take care of yourself and try not to worry so much what others think of you. Good luck and God bless you. Knowing something is not right and wanting to change it is half the battle. And if you do not have the finances to get medical help, explain this to the facility you want help from. They will be able to help find a program wihin your means. It is illegal for the medical society to turn anyone in need down because they do not have the money.

Answer 6

It seems like your biggest problem is that you don't like where you have taken your life. YOU are the onlyone who can change this. Go to school or take some online classes, they'll make you feel more confident when applying for a possition. Remember that there are evil people in this world BUT there are also good people don't let the fear of meeting the evil people keep you from meeting the good people. Everyone gets judged everyone gets laught at just remember that if anyone judges or laughs at you there is someone always judging and laughing at them. You have to convince yourself that nobody's opinion counts but your own. You have become your worst enemy and only you have the power to make yourself your best friend. I will you the best of luck. Take care and always love yourself.

Answer 7

There is nothing to be ashamed of for having problems. Clearly you want to get help and get better. Good for you. I have had panic attacks before and I was so embarassed and ashamed but I'm not now. Just the same,I'm not going to announce it to the mountain tops because some people who have never experienced it just don't understand. First don't give up; talk to your doctor again. Will your insurance pay for therapy? Maybe a therapist could give you some good practical advice and support. Secondly it seems like your upset about your lack of education. Don't be, do something positive for yourself. Community colleges offer many classes at really reasonable rates. They have trade classes too if that's what you'd prefer. What do you really love? Find a job that has something to do with that area. If you are looking for a four year college try Berea College in KY. They are on the web. I went there. There is no tutition for students. In fact they won't accept you if you make too much money. They are more than willing to help if someone really wants to do their part. Think about getting education. I have a BA degree but it's not in the field I want to work in. So for the last two years I have been getting certified in the field I want. I have three kids and work full time. It has been really hard. My family has helped. Seek help from those who love you. Really explain the situation and don't give up. There are few easy answers to life's problems but then again if something is worth having it is worth working for. Don't ever be ashamed of having anxiety issues. Should someone be ashamed of having asthma or diabetes? No. As for future job interviews. Ask your doctor for advice. No one has any right to hold it against you if you are willing to work once you feel better. Bless you. I hope this helps a little. In my state you can take classes for the GED for free. Maybe they have online classes. Look them up email them. Get some info. Talk to someone who will cheer you on. Don't give up.

Answer 8

I think you should seriously consider talking to a profesional. And don't take it the wrong way. I am not saying that you are crazy or antything like that. I just think that you need help. It sounds like you are slightly depressed and the fear issues are not helping. I think that if you would find somebody who would listen (and not judge) it could really help you.
And about the job thing, if I were you I would start with anything I can get. Like you mention waitressing, give it a shot, even if it is for a little while. Any money is better than nothing. ONce you start making something you can start looking for soemthing better. Maybe having a job would make you feel better about yourself, you know like you are doing something with your life instead of being stuck in one place.
Good luck

Answer 9

You may lack a formal education, but your writing shows that you are educated. Moreover, you have retained and used your advanced knowledge. That is something you can be proud of.

Is there a reason that you can't go back to school to obtain the education required for the jobs you really want? If the reason is your agoraphobia, you need to talk to your psychiatrist so that you can try other medications (or combinations of medications).

When you go to a job interview and you are asked about the long period of unemployment, just say that there was a medical issue in your family that has been resolved. If the interviewer is unprofessional and then asks what the medical issue was, just say that it was a personal matter that has no bearing on the position for which you are applying. (It's nobody's business but yours.)

In regard to the bf --- if you have doubts, maybe you subconsciously know that he is not the right bf for you.

I wish you well, Honey.

Answer 10

You have made the first step by realizing that this is a problem and affecting your life. See a therapist and a psychiatrist that can work together. Seek out some support groups often available through your community hospital or mental health agency. and finally set small relaistic goals each day and strive to meet them. You say you go to Starbucks each day, well lengthen your outing by 5 or 10 minutes each day or week. Finally work on getting your GED and going back to school for something that you feel will be rewarding. Only you can change things, whether it's baby steps or giant leaps, only you can do it.