i made a really big mistake...need really good advice...its very important?

Question

My bf of over 3 years and I broke up in late Feb. of this year…I did something unthinkable and so wrong to him that I’m almost sure that heaven is a no go for me. [I rather not disclose what I did for it is too personal] he’s lost complete trust in me, and is really upset and saddened by what I did to him. More than anything he says I ruined his life…the problem here now is that I am 6 months pregnant with his little girl. He and I have been in constant contact over how to go about handling the situation of our daughter. However, he is so angry and upset with me that he doesn’t want to be a part of her [baby] life, that it would be best if he weren’t involved. I feel the complete opposite. I don’t want him back, but I do feel that for the sake of our daughter he should be involved in her life, no matter what I did, for she should not pay the price for what I did. I’ve told him this but he’s still unsure, confused, hurt and believes that he shouldn’t be involved. I really need advice on what to do, how to go about this, and how to make him see that he should be involved regardless of what I did…please help ASAP!!! Serious answers only…please…thank you

Answer 1

unfortunately you can't make him want to be involved in the raising of your little girl. Maybe he thinks you are just doing this to try to hold on to him, you wouldn't be the first girl to use a child to try to keep a man, I am not saying that is what you are doing, I am saying that might be what he is thinking.
You say you are in constant contact and you don't want him back, my suggestion would be cut the contact for now, invite him to your Dr's appointments, and let that be that, let him know when you are in labor and tell him he is welcomed to be there. That will give him a few months to get his emotions, and hurt under control. I agree it is very important for a child to have a loving and involved father and applaud you for understanding you made a mistake and for not trying to cut the father out to many woman do that and they don't realize how hard it is to raise a child with out any support.
Good Luck

Answer 2

It doesn't matter what you did. He should be a father to his child if he is certain the child is his. Give him some time to heal from whatever wounds he endured. Wait until the child is born and try him again. Sometimes all you need to do is give people time. Time heals a lot more than you think. However, I would not push the issue too much. That's going to just make it harder. As far as you feeling like you're "out of heaven", don't even say or think that. No matter what you did, Jesus is a forgiving God, and that is the beauty of His grace. You need to ask for forgiveness from Him ultimately, then your ex, and finally, you must get to a point where you forgive yourself. Your daughter depends on you. If your ex decides in the end to completely avoid you and your daughter, raise her the best you can. She definitely deserves at least that... Best of wishes to you. You'll be alright if you are truly sorry and seek divine forgiveness...

Answer 3

Well it's more than evident looking at your past questions what you did. All your questions for the last 8months have been about you saying you and your husband are trying desperately to conceive.

So did you have a husband AND a boyfriend, or was your husband from your other questions really just your boyfriend you were trying to trick into pregnancy?

Anyhow, it's good you at least admit your mistake. But now you've changed 3 peoples lives forever...your's, his and the future child. For the choice you made, you should really work hard to make up that decision. As a result, your poor daughter may not have a father in her life. You knew he wasn't ready, so don't spend your life complaining about what a bad father he is.

Do what you can to keep him involved in decisions from now on and he is much more likely to stick around.

Answer 4

Well if it is something that is definately unforgivable I can understand a loved one being so mad that they say horrible things. And unfortunately this would include saying he wants nothing to do with his unborn daughter. I'm sure over time he will come to see that he needs to be in his daughters life even if its later than sooner. Even if you have to go as far as to tell his parents about his decision or get his friends and family involved and basically "tattle", then do it. Girls that grow up without fathers can come out not that well rounded. She needs a father figure and if her own father isnt around because of a shitty mistake you made, that might make her feel resentment against you. Tell him to grow up and get over it FOR HER!!!!

Answer 5

Sometimes you can't always expect the best in the world. My husband and I have been married for 3 years... just this week, he decides that he wants to be involved in our childrens lifes. We have 3 boys, Ages 3, 2 & 6mo. It has been the hardest thing for me, but I have decided that no matter what, atleast I am there for my boys. If their father decides not to be there, then thats fine. But they will not go unloved by me. Your little one isn't here yet, so your baby's daddy won't understand the love for a child until that little one is born, and even then... he may never know. I have done some horrible things in my past, but I have learned that my life is not about me, but my children. And that my love for them is going to come first.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

He is obviously angry and hurt - but you also cannot change the past. All you can do is sincerely apologize for what you did to him and encourage him to be part of his child's life - who is innocent and had nothing to do with whatever transgression you committed. Then it is up to him. If he is a mature adult, he will realize that he will only have one chance be a father to this child and step up to his responsibilities. If he doesn't, then he has a serious lack of character and responsibility and there is nothing you can do.

Whatever you did, you did not ruin his life. Only he can do that. You may have hurt him badly, and he may never be able to trust you again, but how he handles the situation now is up to him. Only he can ruin his life. Don't accept that particular guilt trip.

Regardless of what he does, file for child support and collect it from him. He is responsible for that - it is his child regardless of what you did.

And spend some time yourself in counseling to resolve whatever you did and why. You need to forgive yourself as well, for your own sake and your child's.

Answer 8

Would he be willing to go to counseling? Not necessarliy with you or anything but to talk to an impartial outsider. Ask him please to go. This is his daughtrer and she deserves to know her daddy. It's not her fault that you boogered up and he shouldn't punish her or himself. If he doesn't want to see you during visitation times then you should be able to find a friend/relative to be the go between. Does he have family close by that would like to be a part of this childs life? I hope so because if he isn't ready to be her daddy yet maybe his parents/siblings etc... can step in and sort of fill the gaps.

Tell him please, please, please be a part of her life. He can chose later to let her go but don't deny her outright or they'll both lose.
Good luck to the 3 of you

Answer 9

first of all, in response to "he probably didn't have a choice in in the first place." - Unless you raped him, he did have a choice. He is every bit as responsible for the child as you are. It takes two to make a baby.

with that being said, maybe the two of you should see a therapist. Maybe a family counselor. While you aren't dating any more, you are family now that you share a child. He may not be comfortable going to a counselor with you, so you may need to go seperately.

Answer 10

Mistake or not he should be there for the baby. Why is it that the men in these situations always feel that they can run out on their kids. They have no problem in making them, they should have even less of a problem being there for them. Sounds to me that he is really using what ever you did as a major excuse to wipe his hands clean of the situation.