Spiraling 18yo daughter - what do I do?

Question

daughter just turned 18 - she's got a car, a little part time job, and has the filthiest mouth towards me, her dad and sister. she comes and goes when she wants and if she doesn't get what she wants, she breaks our stuff. we're tempted to change the locks but are afraid of what damage she'll do to our house and cars. she has stolen money from my purse, taken things of her sisters, and my husband thinks she may have taken some of his tool from the garage. pawn shop? who knows. Any advice' suggestions are appreciated -

Answer 1

She's lost the right to live at home.

This is going to hard for you to do, because emotionally, you still want to protect her; but she's an adult and needs to be accountable for her own actions.

Don't let her bully you into stepping aside; be firm.

First of all, file a police report. All pawn shops must report serial numbers to the police and this will make finding your missing things easier.

Wait for her to come home, tell her that you need to talk.

Inform her, politely but firmly that she needs to change the way she is acting, or she will be evicted, end of story. Don't keep giving warnings, and make sure you tell her that there won't BE any more warnings. One more strike and she's out.

If she can't respect you, or your home, then she can take her bad attitude somewhere else, and that's just the way it is.

Don't try and control when she goes in or out, or what she does with her life as long as she is paying her own bills for the time being, but you DO have the right to demand respect for yourselves and your property.

She will most likely mouth off, thinking this a bluff; please don't let it be a bluff. If f she tries the sob story, or apologizes but then acts up again, stick by your guns, or she'll just keep doing it!

Change the locks, and let the police know that you have evicted her from your home because she has become destructive towards your property and has stolen your things.

Put her stuff in a storage locker and when you see her, give her the key. Also, pay for the storage locker for only a few months, and make sure she realizes that in those few months, when it ends, she's on her own.

You gave her alot; she chose to abuse it.

Trust me when I say, that being tough, although it can be agonizing is really the best choice.

Answer 2

Your daughter sounds alot like my older brother when he was a teen. She is rebelling majorly!! If you feel that changing the locks is going to work, meaning if your strong enough not to let her in as much as she begs and pleads then that will work. Unfortunetly, she is 18 and a legal adult so you can't force her to do anything. On the other hand she is 18 so this means she will have the consequences of an adult. So if she does know that she is not allowed in your house and goes in anyway that is breaking and entering, and if she breaks or steals your stuff that is theft.

So you could threaten her with this if again your strong enough to keep to what you say.
You can tell her this is how it is going to be. We will change the locks and you will not be allowed in our house, if you break in or wreck our property we will call the cops. You have a job and friends and a car. So for now stay at a friends place until you get your own. We will welcome you back when you can start acting like a mature adult. Thats final!!

You have to be tough and thats why its called tough love. I am sorry but this will be hard at first but it will be ok in the long run.

Answer 3

She's old enough now that she definitely knows what she's doing and will continue to manipulate you until you put your foot down. Give her a deadline of two months- if she hasn't stopped stealing, mouthing off and breaking things then the day after the deadline will be the day she has to move out. If she reforms her ways inform her she is on probation for an indefinite amount of time. If she continues to wreak havock call the police on her- the only betrayel involved here is hers for attacking and stealing from her family. It sounds like (particularly the pawn shop story) that drugs could be involved so bring home AA or NA flyers to her the day you give her the deadline. Don't accuse her of anything or look for drugs, just tell her that her behavior has changed and you are concerned and fed up and the flyers are optional, but If it's not drugs how does she justify her behavior? Lastly you need to hold your ground. It will be tough, but she needs to deal with her problems like the adult she is, not like a toddler and throwing a tantrum.

Answer 4

Sounds to me like she's either looking for independence or acting out. If these changes are new, perhaps something is bothering her, and she needs an open ear.

If it's just her personality, try sitting and make some 'house rules' It's obvious you want her to change, so there's a good chance there are some things she'd like to change too. Meet her half way. Improvise. Maybe she can stay out later, if she calls you and lets you know or something like that.

Spend time together, and do things that she likes to do--let her know you still are interested in her life. (If she's willing) Even if it's one night a week for a game/tv/or ice cream.

Start giving her responsibilities around the house. Perhaps she could cook dinner one night a week? Let her know she is still part of the family.

18, though? She's just getting her wings, and probably (like me) thinks her life is 'starting'. If all else fails, have her try living on her own for a while. If she still needs you, she'll come back with a greater appreciation for you. If she can make it on her own, then good for her! (But whatever you do, don't make it seem like you're kicking her out!!)

If all that fails, try boot camp.

Answer 5

first of all, it seems you have not disciplined her very well. If the car is being paid for by you, then take her keys away. If it is hers, outright, nothing you can do.

However, it is your house, is it not?? Tell her right to her face. the following:
1) if you want to live here, then treat everyone with respect...
2) if you want to live here, ask, dont just take...
3) if you want to live here, clean your mouth out...
4) if you want to live here, then abide by some simple rules.

Rules like, come home at a decent hour, and dont break things when you get mad. This shows me that she has a temper and is out of control.

She may be 18, but you are still her parent and you need to put your foot down. In my view, it seems you have not disciplined her in the past, and you dont stand up to her when she does bad things. Until you do, nothing will change.

Stand up to her now and tell her to clean up her act or she can find another place to live. This may sound harsh, but there really is no other alternative.

Good Luck

Answer 6

Unfortunately, you and your husband have been a large contributing factor in the way your daughter is today. Were it not for the permissiveness. lack of discipline and poor boundary setting that was pervassive while she was growing up, she would not be acting this way towards any of you now. I venture to be this direct and perhaps even insulting because I see no other reason why she should act this way. My crassness does not reflect a desire to be hurtful but my own parenting experience with two teenage daughter (18 & 17) affords me the privilege to speak to you in a manner that I feel will best serve your interests.

You are afraid of the monster you have created but it is in your hands to protect yourself from her. Trying to reason with her will only aggravate the situation because it will then escalate into a power struggle that will were you down even more. If all the belated reasoning and discipline you have tried, has failed, then it is time for you to ACT! Change the locks, by all means. Call the police and have a restraining order placed on her. Once she sees that you mean business, even if it is the first time in your family life, she'll get a clearer picture of what her actions are causing. She iss an adult now, and as suck should definately be held accountable for her actions. As difficult as it may be to admit your involvement contributing to her present state and as loving a parent as you consider yourself to be, isn't it time for you to live without fear and in peace.

I have imparted several parenting courses that have been beneficial to those with the discipline to follow them through.

If my words have not offended you and you wish to correspond to get more positive advice, I can be reached at:
[e-mail]

Answer 7

Sounds like she has a substance abuse problem. Beyond that she sounds sociopathic and may be bi polar.

try to get her to go to a doctor for diagnosis. She may need to be on psych meds. Other than that you can't be her codependent. Get her legally removed from the residence and go ahead and change the locks.

If she then tries to break in, call the police. If she won't get psychological help then you have to be hard. By doing what you're doing now you are placing her in charge of the whole family.

In fact, even if she did smash dents in the car or put marks on the house eventually she would realize it's not working and stop. This may cause her to hit bottom and get the help she needs.

I've been thru the same thing with a sociopathic, bi polar, violent drug abuser and it's not fun. He ended up in jail.

Answer 8

Is this "normal" behavior for her or did it come about all of a sudden? I would say if it came on rapidly, it is either drugs or some sort of mental problem. Either way, she needs help. If she has always been self centered and rebellious, then that is just how she is. She needs to get out and find her own way. I would call the police before you changed the locks or did anything. This way they can give you advice and you can ascertain what kind of help to expect from them. Also, it is the start of legal recorded documentation of her behavior which you may need in court someday. I'm sorry your family is going through this and I hope things get better.

Answer 9

well, many of her acts are criminal, stealing, destruction of property. Also, sounds like she may be doing drugs to be so out of control and hateful unless she's always been this way and is used to manipulating and misbehaving to get her way. Perhaps some tough love is in order here. Sit her down with you and your hubby, tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, the lying, stealing, destruction, poor example for her younger sister. Let her know that you love her and want to help her, but if she doesn't start following the rules now, then she's been given fair warning. Then the next time she crosses the line, call the police and report her. She's to the point where she's dangerous and you have another child who you are responsible for protecting.

Answer 10

sounds to me like your daughter may be on drugs. The best thing you could do for her right now is "tough love". Kick her out. Call the cops on her everytime she comes around. Make her do the time if she's put in jail. If and when she gets clean, she will understand. She may hate you for this for a while, but if she's on drugs than she needs the help. All you are doing by letting her stay home is allow her to get away with it. And you are also putting your other daughter in harms way. Do the right thing, and tell her when she gets her act straightened out, she can come back.

Good luck!