Friend won't attend my wedding coz she can't bring her kid-so she's gonna stand outside the church. What gives

Question

I told her she can't bring her kid (1 year old) to my wedding because the fiance and I have decided on an adults only affair. The church is across her condominium.
When I told my friend that she can't bring her kid, she says she'll stand outside the church with her kid so she can see me even if she can't attend. Now, I'm worried. It's going to look bad esp if our other guests see her and she gets the pity vote since I didn't invite her because she can't bring the darn kid.
She keeps asking if we have booked the church yet and what time the wedding is. She knows the date we are planning on, but I just told her that we haven't booked the church yet (which is the truth).
I told my other friend about what she said and I told him not to tell her the date and time of my wedding. My friend really felt insulted for me since he knows that we are only inviting 50 of the closest relatives and friends the fiance and I have.
How do I do damage control? Is she being passive-aggressive?

The 3 of us (the friend in question, the other friend and I) used to go out for coffee and whatnot before because our friend (not the one in question) would treat us. Now that our friend and I are both working and she's stuck babysitting - we now insist that we go dutch on our outings since we both understand how difficult it is to earn money. She won't come unless we treat her, and she'll bring her kid too.
I wouldn't mind so much though coz I love kids and want my own someday. Her kid is growing up bratty. He toppled a glass full of juice on the table at the resto where we were eating and nearly got it all on me and all she did was coo to him about how that was such a naughty thing to do.
We invited her for dinner (dutch) and she tells me that she has another affair to go to, but tells our other friend that she can't make it coz she's 'unemployed' (her hubby works and her mom gives them money), but if he decides to treat her then she'll go.

My cousin has two adorable and well-behaved boys. I am going to tell her not to bring her kids. Given the choice, I would rather have my cousin's kids at my wedding - since they're family, than my crazy friend's brat at my wedding.
I don't want to offend my cousin because of a crazy person who's not family.

I already offered to find her a sitter. She doesn't want one. I even asked if her sister or mom could watch the kid while she was at our wedding. She said no. It seems that the kid is still attached to her via the umbilical cord. (1st baby)

As to the reception, we're having it at the Social Hall at the church.

I don't think I'm being bridezilla-ish, or there's something wrong with not wanting kids at the wedding. It's our prerogative. It's our wedding. We don't want to pay for broken glasses or dishes or have our ceremony disrupted by an unruly kid.

And if our relatives can't bring their kids, why should she be allowed to bring hers?

I don't know what's wrong with her. She won't even leave her kid with her hubby to attend the wedding - I was intending to invite both of them and it was okay with us if her husband had to stay home with the kid and not attend the wedding.

Getting her a sitter is not really in our budget. The church has a crying room, but it's connected to the auditorium. We're using the Social Hall since we only have 50 guests - no crying room.

I already talked to her about the affair being "adults only", and she doesn't want to have her mom, or her sister, or her husband (the baby's father) look after the child. She goes everywhere with the kid. Even to the bathroom! She brought him to a reunion (adults only) and the kid hit his head and got a huge laceration on his lip. Then when we asked her about it she says, "it's nothing" but we all know that he should be brought in for x-rays. (we're all medical doctors)
I was so disappointed that she couldn't come if she couldn't bring her son. But I don't want to disrespect my future husband by agreeing that it's an "adult only" affair then invite my friend's child later on.

Please read the whole thing in toto including the additional details before you post your answers.

I am not questioning her parenting style. I am questioning her passive-aggressiveness. I don't have to tolerate that from her or from anyone.

Answer 1

I agree with the second post that says she's being an immature jerk. I definitely think she's being passive-aggressive. I think it's not so much that she wants to see you in your dress (you probably won't be hanging out outside the church right before your wedding), it's that she wants sympathy and attention from other wedding goers, and to make you look bad. And I think she's hoping someone will invite her in so she gets her way?

Sympathetic Attendee - Why are you standing outside with your child?

Her - I really wanted to come, but the bride won't let me attend with my child.

Sympathetic Attendee - Oh I'm sure it'll be okay.

Her - Okay. Walks in.

***
If she's going to be so ridiculously immature about it, I wouldn't invite her at ALL now. Leave that space for someone who is more mature.

As for the posts that say, go ahead and invite the kid too, I say no. It's your wedding and you are entitled to have adults only. (And she sounds like the type of parent who wouldn't remove him from the room should he act up.) Don't give into emotional blackmail! And that's exactly what she's doing. Shame on her for causing you so much stress!

P.S. I love the idea in the post below this of stationing someone at the door to quiety escort her off the premises should she attempt to enter with her child.

Answer 2

I think that your wedding day should be as close to what you want as possible! If no one else is bringing their kids, and aren't asking for special treatment why should she? I have 3 kids and I would not be offended one bit if a wedding invite was adults only, actually I would probably enjoy that more!! But here's my question....if her mom is giving her money and such, why can't the mom babysit for an hour or so, or for that matter is the husband off that day?? Does she not have a friend or family member who can help? It should not be such an issue.....doesn't she EVER go anywhere without her child? I don't think you are asking too much!!!! Stick to your guns! Good luck and congratulations!!

Answer 3

some people become so empty headed when they have kids. I don't understand - I went to a wedding the other week and there were two young kids, one of whom decided he was going to start yelping and making a nuisance of himself as the bride was walking up the aisle. Eventually the parent had to take him out, and she was forced to miss the ceremony. Tell her the kid can come to the reception - but you don't want her baby to be bored and irritable during your special moments. Is she married? If so, surely she'll understand that it's just not fair to have a screaming baby when you're trying to say I do? I can't fathom it out - but you need to talk to her personally. Don't do any of this behind her back nonsense, just go straight to her and ask her if she can please leave her baby with her baby's grandparents or aunties or whatever, just for an hour, but she's more than welcome to bring the baby to the after party stuff. If she's unreasonable then inform her that unfortunately, it's your way or the highway - she doesn't get to be awkward on this day of all days. Also tell her the church doors will be closed after you enter so she won't see anything. Tell her how important it is that she attends, and that you really hope she understands. Use the pity card on her!

Answer 4

why not find a babysitter for her during the wedding ceremony? First it IS very small and she should feel honored to be invited in the first place. I wouldn't worry too much about her it's probably a little bit of jealousy on her part especially if she is a single mom. Just explain to her you will help to find her a babysitter for the wedding and that you would love for her to be there because she is special to you. If she is still throwing a fit she is being irrational. We have all been to a wedding where it SHOULD have been adults only because there is a baby screaming or running during the ceremony, explain this to her and hopefully she will come around. Otherwise she can stand outside the church and wait for you guys to come out if she really feels the need to!
*also looking at the other answers ITS YOUR WEDDING!! if you want only people with green eyes at your wedding WHO CARES! You want your day a certain way and you should be able to have it that way!*

Answer 5

Listen, I firmly believe there are places that children do not belong, and if you don't want any children at your wedding, it's YOUR perogative! Everyone else has to suck it up!

From what you've posted, this friend really isn't being much of a friend. Personally, I'd start to phase her wackyness out of my life altogether, because who needs a passive-agressive nutjob to undermine their every move?

Honestly, the next time she asks when your wedding is, tell her you couldn't get the date you wanted, and give her a different date. If that would backfire on you, then since it's a small wedding, make sure some of the people know she's wacky so they can spread the word that she's doing this for her own personal gain (the pity vote) so they ignore her.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Hey there, if you really want your friend to attend you could always hire someone to provide daycare...especially if you have other friends or family that have small children that are too young to stay home alone (especially if your guests are from out of town!) honestly, I think having kids at a wedding is a blast! yeah, they could be noisy during the service, but they're a blast at the reception, they're always out on the dance floor and they're so funny!! I had a small wedding, my nieces were my flowergirls, I had an aunt keep an eye on them during the service (my sister, their mom, was standing up for me and couldn't) and they danced ALL NIGHT at the reception. Creativity will help, your friend will appreciate it and she'll feel more included at your special day.
good luck, I hope everything works out.

Answer 7

Someone used to treat you for coffee.

Now that you have a job, and the other friend doesn't, you won't treat her?

Why don't the 2 working people chip in and treat the unemployed mother to coffee?

BTW, a 1 yr old knocking over a drink is hardly being a brat.

Little kids do that, because they aren't yet aware of the physics of things.

Anyway, unless you move the wedding elsewhere, I don't see what you can do (except change your mind on the no kids rule).

What you might do is, when you see her outside as you leave, rush up to her and make a big fuss over her and how you'd wished she's changed her mind and attended.

Answer 8

I dont think you can call a 1yr old kid bratty for toppling juice.
But anyway, 1 yr old is old enough to have a babysitter and few hours away from mom. How about finding a babysitter for the tot, and if your friend cant afford it, offer to pay the babysitter "so she can have fun at the wedding" and the other guests who didnt bring their kids wont feel bad.

Answer 9

Sometimes parents just don't want to spend that time away from their children. Nothing wrong w that... Give her an invitation, is all this really worth losing a friend over? I mean what is 1 child going to do at your wedding, crash it? And really a 1 year old did not mean to spill their juice. Maybe when you have children you'll understand her a little more. It was nice that you offered her a bbsitter, but don't try and hide the truth from her either. It seems like too much drama over one invitation to me, it's either a send her an invite or tell her she isn't invited. And if she wants to stand outside, then let her, when it comes down to that, really it's her problem. Who knows, someone you don't even know just walking by will stand outside and watch to and you can't stop that can you?

Answer 10

Is she being passive-agressive??? Is the Pope Catholic? Same answer.

Don't lie to her, because then she has legitimate grounds for being upset with you. Do NOT allow her to bring her child to the wedding. If you don't allow anyone else to bring their children and then let her blackmail you into having hers, not only will the other parents not understand, you will have sent the message that if people don't like your decisions they are free to badger you into making exceptions for them.

She knows the terms of the invitation. She is welcome to accept or decline the invitation as given, but she is not allowed to alter the terms of the invitation. And if she chooses to stand outside the church like Banquo's ghost come to dinner at the MacBeth house, then she's going to look like an idiot. The other guests will understand what a manipulative jerk she's being, and most of the neighbors probably won't even notice or care what she does.

Stay dignified, stay firm, and accept that you cannot control her reaction in response to your entirely reasonable invitation.

Wait a minute. Re-reading this, it looks as though the invitation hasn't actually been sent. After all, you don't have the church booked, right? Then you still have time to decide not to invite her at all. Just something to consider. If you do choose to invite her after all this, I'd designate someone to quietly turn her away at the door if she tries to bring the child in. The child is not invited, whether or not the mother is.

As much as I adore children and loved having them at my wedding, I completely understand that not everyone chooses to have them at their weddings for a wide variety of reasons. You and your fiance have the right to choose whom you wish to share your wedding day with.