Suggestions: 1) How to not let my children know the pain I am in when they call. 2) How to stop caring.?

Question

I had a close relationship with my children. I encouraged both to be independent. Both married and both have partners that do not want me around except to borrow money, baby sit, clean or needs help with a problem.
The one that I baby sit for is a three hour drive so I proposed that I baby sit 4-5 days straight each month and take am on-call job there evenings and nights. My son and his wife thought this was a great idea.
On call as nurse eve/nites five days a month and I baby sit, clean house, cook meals, buy whatever my son needs, but I must stay/sleep at their house to babysit during th day and be on call at night.
I was always welcome in the past, but now that I have a job my son informed me that “your living on our couch is putting a strain on my family”.
I do not want to quit my job. I am going to refuse to baby sit, lend money, buy groceries etc… Paying for a hotel room and not seeing my granddaughter defeats working down there, but this is life.
I feel hurt. I do not want to put pressure on my son & his wife but I also do not want to see either of them at this time. I spend what I earn paying for a hotel room there.
Also I pay for my dog to be kenneled because my daughter dumped her pit bull on me and refuses to watch him (even though I pay her $10/day to put him his pen & back in my house each night).

I recent met two men who seemed interested in me, but then each seemed to have grave concerns about me because I have no friends and no family that actually likes me! I feel so hurt and dejected. I feel trapped and want to run away but I also do not want to do anything that will cause harm my financial security.

Answer 1

if you would just be a mom and a grandma, and not a caretaker, you probably wouldn't have these issues today.

you overextend yourself, which makes YOU feel better and then your kids come to expect it...... perhaps consider going out with the boyfriend and doing things for YOU instead... take care of YOU... your son and his wife have each other to depend on, and should be taking care of themselves.

i'm sure that babysitting your grandkids gives you more time with them, but you seem to be wearing yourself out and over-extending yourself, doing things which are not yours to do (cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, giving money, taking care of a home that isn't yours and not your responsibility).....

your son and his wife need to use their own money, not yours.. you don't have an endless pit of finances... sure, helping out ONCE IN A WHILE is ok, but when it becomes a habit, your kids are able to use you when they overspend... because that is usually what it comes down to... frivolity because you will "save" them ! --Don't.

You have caused your own hurt, in part. You have been too available. Living three hours away and babysitting is rediculous.. they can find a babysitter, i'm sure. if not, one will have to stay home with the kids, while the other works.

And you have had to kennel your dog because of your daughter in law's dog? This isn't her fault, it's yours, and she is using you.

I dont' know what is wrong with parents these days... i recently found out my 50 year old, ex boyfriend's mother bailed him out of a forclosure on his home twice, and is constantly lending him money and enabling him to be careless with finances because she always bails him out. He didn't pay the gas bill all winter in 2006, and his MOTHER had to pay it so he could have heat last year. He has NO integrity because his mother allowed him to use her quite frequently over the years.... if he loves her, it shouldn't be for her wallet, or what she can do for him... it's sickening. and dysfunctional.

I think that "refusal" to babysit is different than asking your son and daughter in law to please find another babysitter. You have a job, and you don't have time. You could let them know you'd love to visit when you can, and leave it at that.

You said you're a nurse... you must know how important your emotional well-being is, just because of that.... you seem to be stressing yourself out and trying to take care of an adult son and his family, when they are perfectly capable of doing things for themselves.

take care of YOU... be kind to yourself.... if you feel like saying "no" when someone asks you to do something, then say it!

hugs

Answer 2

You really need to sit down with your son and his wife and have a good clear the air talk.Keeping this shut inside will not help you at all.Holding your emotions back will add to all the pressure you already feel.Something has happened to cause all this and I don't think it's just your having a job.
I realize you're hurt.I would be too but you have to get to the bottom of things.You need to talk to them together.
You can't continue to spend all you earn on a hotel room.That is too much.I would be going back to my own home and care for my own dog.You sound like an intelligent lady.I'm sure you can get a job where you live or close by.
Your children have used you to a certain extent but you've allowed that to happen also.You need to take a stand and stick by it.However,don't put off seeing them because the longer you wait,the harder it becomes to do so.The problem festers and grows till it gets totally out of proportion and families grow farther and farther apart.Please don't let that happen.Your children love you and your grandchildren also.Don't miss out on that.I would never survive without my children and grandchildren.
Have that talk,clear the air and then go back to your home.You're a family and you love one another.Communication is the key.
ALL THE BEST.

Answer 3

I don't think I would say selfish because unless you have ever experienced deep depression you would have no idea what it is like. You can't control those overwhelming feelings and nothing matters in this case and you are unable to really think of others. This is expecially true if your depression is caused from BiPolar or just chemical in nature. I am so sorr for your loss. I could not even begin to think what it must be like to go thru what you are even if it has been 2 years. I am sure it feels like just yesterday to you. I would be in the same shoes as you if I lost my Husband to something like that. I understand because my Husband has BiPolar type 2 which you have severe dep depression and even though he is on medication and seems to live a "normal" life he battles the thoughts of suicide each time he cycles into that depression. Do not blame yourself. If you can somehow get it into your head that you were not at fault and there was nothing you could of said or done to prevent this then you would slowly beable to heal over time. We have no control over this. It took me many many years to stop blaming myself for my Husband's illness and I have to admit that Satan tries to trock me once inawhile and say I am at fault, but how can I be. I didn't have anything to do with it. I just pray in time you will be able to move forward in time. I know it will be a hard road ahead, but know that time will heal you. How much time no one knows. You may just kinda snap out of it one day or it may be years. Keep seeking help and if you are not saved I do suggest getting some counseling at a good Bible preaching church. Having God in your life can ease some of that pain up and make it easier to get thru this. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

You never stop caring. I would quit the on call job. It is only causing you stress and no financial gain anymore. Go back to visiting the kids and grandkids do not hold grudges aginst them. Stop thinking they dont like you. The stress caused by you living in their house part time was not about you, it was about having anyone in your house. Its just not comfortable no matter who or how much you like the person. Talk to them and be blunt but not rude. Ask them how they think you can babysit everyday for them and still have a life? you need money a house, job etc. What they are expecting is too much for you so tell them. They are your kids but stop trying to punish them by not helping them etc. No I wouldnt give them money unless you have it extra and you know they need it for something important. You wouldnt want your punishments to run over to your granddaughter ior even to yourself and thats what it seems its doing. About the dating and the men worrying about you not having friends or family that likes you. Thats just rediculous, why on earth would you tell men that?! are you that attention deprived that you thought that would get you some kind of pity from them? You are the one that made you look bad to those men not your kids. The dog is your daughters or yours or is there 2 dogs? If there is only the one dog that your daughter "gave" you then get rid of it. It will hurt, getting rid of pets is hard nomatter how they came to be yours but its just another hardship on you and something negative for you to hold over your daughter. There is no need to keep some kind of mental list like..I did this and this and this and this and this for them and they do nothing for me... thats all negative b.s. Stop feeling like a victim. be the bringer of good feelings and you will also have good feelings. I wish you luck.

Answer 5

Sounds to me like you need to take back your own life and not let your children walk all over you. Move back into your own house and let your son know that it is time for him to be responsible for himself and his own family. Yes he may get mad for a while but he will get over it, that is what family does. In my experience the more you give the more people will take, even if they are your family. You need to set some clear bounderies for yourself and make it clear that they are not going to be changed. You have raised your kids, now it is time for you to enjoy your life. Be a Grandmother, do the things that a Grandmother would do, have fun with your grand child. She has parents that are quite capable of taking care of her, let them raise her while you enjoy her. Your relationship with your son and his family will be much better off if you all now where each other stand and can respect one others feelings and bounderies.

Answer 6

It sounds like your kids are taking you for granted. I understand if you stop babysitting you will prob not see your fam as much but still, get a job around where you live to keep yourself busy. You can join clubs or groups and met people. You need to stick up for yourself. You can't stay with your son anymore then you don't babysit anymore simple! I wish you the best of luck be strong :-)

Answer 7

The only option I can think of is to move closer to your child that you babysit for and work in the area, or offer to pay rent (which doesn't make sense since you'd essentially be paying to watch their kids whom they asked you to watch). If you move, get involved in the community and make friends--join a church, volunteer in the community, etc. Don't worry about what some random guys think about you--you're a successful grandmother with kids and grandkids that love you. Feel free to date, but don't expect anything. If it makes you feel better, go get your hair done, nails, facial, etc. but do it for your own confidence and self-esteem, not so that you're more attractive to others. Good luck!

Answer 8

Mom, it's your life and it's time for you to stop being a door mat. You go date, you save your money, and you take care of YOUR NEEDS. Once a month go see your children and grandchildren for the day or a couple hours visit. You provided for them years already, it's time to provide for yourself. They need to understand this, after all, they are the selfish ones and I know you didn't raise them that way, and let them know your not going to tolerate it anymore. You raised them to be independent - Because YOUR independent and your going to begin this TODAY. Good Luck.

Answer 9

start taking care of your self.dont put yourself out there for your kids anymore.they have taken advange of you and dont want you to have your ow life.start going out to any area that have adult programs.let these two men know of the reasons that your kids want nothing to do with you is becase your time and purse is not freely opened to them any more.you will find friends once you start with a new attitude that from this day on life starts with what you want.help out at child care areas,help out at a pound.just keep on going.i would let your daughter know that the dog is coming back to her that you did not want it and your done with it.if she says no then take it to a pound or put in the paper for free.

Answer 10

You are a mother. You will never stop caring.

Your children had their fair share of taking full advantage of you when they were little and living at home. They wanted you to take care of them, to feed them, to cloth them, to drive them places, to buy them cool stuff, etc.

You had your fair share of taking care of them when they were all your dependents, tending to their needs, telling them what to do, running their lives, etc.

However, you're all adults now. They should take care of their own children, dogs, etc.

Your job is to take care of yourself and be the best grandma, mother-in-law, and mother. Send b-day cards to your grandkids and children. Show interest in their daily activities and projects.

But that's it!! No more!!!

Your children don't see you complaining, so they don't know how you feel. For all they know, you couldn't get enough of their children and pets.

Let them know how you feel, or you will feel resentment for the rest of your natural life.