need major help with mom and her new boyfriend?

Question

I've been having a really tough time since my mom got a new bf. My dad died in March of 2005. He was a very important person in all of our lives and i just don't understand how my mom can like this new guy. My younger brother and sister both agree. When we try to talk to my mom about it, she just throws out the excuse, I'm the mother, I know what I'm doing and I can do what I want. It feels like im talking to a wall. Help.

Im only 16, and I guess he's not a "bad man", but his son just went to jail, and he's nothing like my father. He's lazy and rude; no social skills and unintelligent. That's why I dont understand what my mom sees in him.

Answer 1

What is the problem? I realize that you miss your father but your mom is alone and has been for over two years. She is entitled to have more in her life than just being a mom. Unless, he is treating her bad, I think that you should be happy for her. She is not trying to replace your father, but she doesn't have to spend the rest of her life alone. What happens when you and your siblings move out and start families of your own? Is your mom suppose to be all by herself for the rest of her life?

Answer 2

This can be a really tricky situation especially if you are the one who suffers. Anyway, I guess the main reason that you are not happy with her new bf is that you haven't let go of the fact that your father passed on. This can be really bad if you can't accept the death of your dad. Take the first step and accept that your dad is late. Would you like to see your mom grow all weary and pale with grief for your dad. The best way to divert her thoughts from your dad is by finding another pass time. I guess you have to try to do something too. It may help. Her throwing tantrums whenever you try to talk to her about your feelings may be caused by the fact that she is trying hard to forget the hurt of losing her beloved husband who happens to be your dad. Some people believe that suppressing their feelings about a loss are the best way out. Let her be.
Hope it works out for you.

Answer 3

By having a new boyfriend does NOT mean that your Mom does not or did not love your father!

That is what / why you kids have the issues with it - deep down inside, you feel as if your Mom is somehow betraying your father and his memory.

But seriously ask yourself - knowing your dad and the man that he was, would he do what he could for all of you to be happy? Did he try to be the best husband and dad (although not perfect, no one is)? If you think of him and the times with your Mom, can you say that he loved her so much that he placed her happiness before his own?

You also have to realize that your Mom lost the man she had placed her entire future into - had children with - planned on growing old together with - planned on sharing grandchildren with...

Your Mom has needs too - and she needs to love and be loved by someone who is her equal...can you honestly say that your Dad would want her to be alone for the rest of her life?

One day you kids will be grown and move out, get married, have your own lives...do you want your Mom to be sitting alone with only memories?

Answer 4

Okay - Firstly, it's very hard to talk a person out of loving someone even if it's your mom. Your mother has emotional needs aswell and she does not want to be alone for the rest of her life. You need to understand that.
That said it's vey hard when someone comes into your life barking orders, especially when you feel they are taking over the role of Your actual Father. This guy could be a bad'n or you could be over sensitive due to you thinking he is replacing your father and of course that could never happen. I suggest you keep a record of all the things he says or does that you consider to be wrong. Then look them over and see if it's you or him that is in the wrong. I also suggest you try and find ways to compromise. He is probably not going away so try and find ways to get on.

Answer 5

Oh honey, I'm sorry you lost your father too soon, of course, he was the most important man in the world to you all. You're still missing him, you always will.

I'll give you a couple of examples: My grandparents were married for 30 years when my grandmother passed away, too soon, from a 5 year battle with cancer. My grandfather never remarried in the remaining 29 years he was alive. He had many female friends and admirer's, that kind of companionship is something no child could give him. It didn't mean he stopped loving or missing my grandmother, he just enjoyed a woman's company.

My mother in law also lost a battle with cancer at the age of 55, she was married for 33 years prior to this. My father in law remarried another woman within 6 months of his first wife's passing. He explained it this way; yes, he was still grieving for his first wife, he would always love her, but he chose not to be alone, he didn't want to be alone.

Whether your mother stays alone, remarries, or just enjoy's the male company, it's something none of you can give her, she was a woman and wife before a mother. It doesn't mean she stopped loving or missing your dad, it just means that she wants male companionship.

Maybe, she was ready for this, maybe she's just distracting herself from missing her husband, either way, she deserves to be happy, in whatever way she chooses. No one will ever replace your father, but there's always room for a man who might make your mother happy, he's just a BF for now, don't read into it like it's a marriage yet.

Answer 6

I agree with what all has been said here about your mom having her needs. But then she should understand yours, too which include the emotional needs. It's good that you and your siblings talk and then you share with your mom who seems not to take well what you're trying to say to her. But I guess it's more of a misunderstanding than in not caring for each other. You all are hurting but it seems you are able to handle the situation well than your mom. I admire you for that. Try to listen to her and learn and show that you love her and care for her no matter what. Be a mom to your younger siblings. It could be a big job to handle but I believe you would do well coz you're so smart and so wise and so mature for your age. Well you could be a mom to your mom, too sans her dictatorship. Someday your mom would realize how much she is blessed with her kids, especially with someone like you. Someone up there loves you. I believe your dad is proud of you. And if I may speak for others, we love you.

Answer 7

Hi....

i'm sorry you lost your dad.. has to be very difficult for you.

i hope your mother's new boyfriend isn't a 'bad' person?

i guess that i can only explain this in the following manner:

your mother is human. she desires companionship, just like you and I do.

you mother is not trying to find you a "new father".... you have one father, and he is gone.

your mother is likely lonely and wants a man to share her life with.... yes she has YOU, but somehow, we start to feel incomplete when we are alone. this is true for most people...

your mother isn't seeing this guy to spite YOU... she is seeing him because she is ready to move on with her life. she can't sit around grieving and crying over your dad forever, although she probably WILL LOVE YOUR FATHER forever. He won't leave her heart, and he will ALWAYS remain important. But he's gone, hon.

We can't make decisions for our parents.... and when you are an adult, your mother can't make decisions for you.

Love your mother and accept her for the person she is... I can see it's difficult for you to see your mom with another man.

We all have needs, and we all need someone special, even after someone dies.

sending love and hugs... i hope this helps in some way... and that you get some good answers here.

xo

Answer 8

Children generally reject the idea of the parent seeking out a new person to date. But some parents feel the need for close association with another adult to be in a relationship with. It's just some accept it quicker than others, some feel they can stand on their own. If the children don't like it, they can reject it just by being passive, and not combat it. That shows non-acceptance without causing a problem.

Answer 9

I understand that your hurt about your dad and all and you miss him but keeping your mother from going on with her life is just wrong.
I really doubt your dad would want her to be alone and miserable forever after his death.
Having companionship is normal and even a necessity. You might not understand it not but in a few years when you find someone you love and you get to experience love you will understand why its to wonderful to have someone around. She does not love your father any less nor will she forget about him.
I think you and your sister need to stop being so selfish and let your mom be happy.

Answer 10

Your mother no doubt loved your father very much but she also deserves a chance to be happy and move on with her life. You cannot expect her to stop living because your father passed away, that is unfair. As a person who is old enough to come here and seek a solution for this you are also old enough to understand what I am saying. Your not a child any longer and you cannot dent your mother a chance to be happy again.