Am I still being manipulated?

Question

My ex used to manipulate me on a grand scale. He used to shout and swear at me, humiliate me in public and chipped away at my self esteem.

I saw him for the first time this weekend, and went looking gorgeous and held my head up high. He followed me around the entire evening, kept trying to touch me and talking to my friends that he usually doesn’t spend any time with. I kept it together and just gave him the tiniest of acknowledgement.

Last night I cracked and text him to say that I missed him. He replied he did too, that it was great to see me, that I looked gorgeous and that he’d always have strong feelings for me and that he couldn’t wait until Ibiza (group friend holiday).

I asked him back, stupidly, and he said no. Thing is, if he had put even the slightest bit of effort in, I’m sure things would be good, but he just continued to do things he knew upset me.

He cut me out of his life to make things easier for him, then last week kept texting and e-mailing saying

he’d missed me and couldn’t wait to become close friends.

I can’t be friends with him because he hurt me so much. He cut me out of his life at a point when I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I went severely downhill, taking an overdose, seeing the doctors, being put on anti-depressants and (finally) getting counselling. All to do with childhood trauma, but heightened by being with someone that made me feel like crap.

I now feel that I’ve given him all the power back, and that his behaviour was just a try to weaken me and manipulate me – which I allowed to work and now feel rejected again and feel 100x worse than I did before.

Why did I ask him back? I’m so stupid. He showered me with all these nice e-mails and texts.

I just feel so pathetic, but need to turn this situation around before Ibiza because I don’t want to crumble again. I deserve more than him & I can’t believe I was so stupid take his nice words as an indication that he wanted to be back with me.

Answer 1

My advice is never to speak to this arsehole again. Not a word or a look. Ignore him completely.

It's the only way to regain your self-respect.

Answer 2

Stay strong, and leave him in the dust. You can do better. You don't know if this is all an act, and it isn't worth the effort to find out. You could end up getting hurt again if he goes back to his old ways. So I would not worry about him at all. Acknowledge his presence during the holiday, but do not put yourself out there for him to trample on. Even though he is being nice now, think back to how miserable you were before. I'm sure you never want to feel that way again. You can do better. Him saying no was probably a blessing to you.

Answer 3

Why do you do this? Don't know. You tell me.

In truth, I think you really don't want HIM - you want what you can't have. He merely represents what you can't have.

It's time to grow a spine and tell YOURSELF that you are better off without him. Then, change your numbers/contact info so he can't get in touch with you. AND you stay away from him.

Does it hurt? Of course it does. But you'll get over it. That is, if you let yourself. I you keep picking at the sore wound it won't be able to heal.

Yes, this may mean going to Ibiza with a different crowd at a different location than where he is.

And why on earth do you want someone who humiliates you and disrespects you publicly anyway? Shesh. That is NOT a sign of strength on his part - bullies are weaklings and should be dismissed.

Answer 4

Doesnt sound like you are in a fun situation. If i were you I would make no contact with him. If he contacts you, be polite and to the point but dont get involved in any personal conversations. If he tries side track it and let him know that since you have decided to go your seperate ways you dont think you should discuss your private life with him. On holiday again be polite, but make no effort to converse with him. It sounds as though you are through the worst of whats happened, just be strong and finish things off. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

yes, the first time by him. where you initiated contact with him, by you. you know what hes like the second time.

I know its hard - and my answers are sometimes well not the most tactful. but still you need to take a look at your self to see what aboout the total package you found so attractive to consider goin for it a second time - considering you now know what the whole package is.

maybe you jus like whips n chains? if you do - there still better guys ot there than that who would oblige - stop check your self over he might be a **** for dupping you first time, dont send your self back.

Answer 6

IGNORE HIM.

Block his ability to text and email you and cut him out of your life. Get rid of any pictures you have of him too. Having him around in any way is unproductive to your well-being.

If possible, I would avoid Ibiza, at least this time. If not, then bring a guest with you who understands your dilemna and will help you ignore him. If he approaches you, tell him you have decided you are best off not having him in your life in any way, and walk away. Your guest should help you with this with encouragement and support and should be with you when he is around. Your guest should tell him to go away if he tries to pursue you.

Last, but really first and most important, discuss this problem with your counselor or sponsor! If you don't have a counselor or sponsor, get one.

Answer 7

I can see there is someone in your life that continually lets you down. That someone is YOU! You need to discover who you are before starting a relationship with anyone. Remember this, happiness comes from within and never look to someone else to provide it for you. Also keep in mind that your "Ex" doesn't make you miserable, you let him make you miserable. If you don't like the way you feel with him, change your tactics. He can't hurt you if you don't allow him too.

Answer 8

Sweetie, you are not pathetic!

You are a strong person. He realizes that and doesn't like that you won't give him the power anymore. Keep that in mind. No one can "make" you feel anything, you allow it.

Stop the texts and e-mails and avoid him at all costs. You do not need to be in any situation where he can start to try to abuse you again.

Be strong. You can do it!

Answer 9

Simply give over trying to get back with him. He is enjoying you chasing him; it's just a cat and mouse game to him. Have some pride and walk away and don't look back because if you do you are going to end up so hurt again.

Answer 10

The short answer to your question is "Yes." It will never cease to amaze me how people will continually put up with somebody's b***s*** charm when that person has hurt them, perhaps repeatedly in the past.

Your only obligation to this creep is to be civil and polite to him in a social setting. Nothing more. Don't text him, and if he texts you, ignore it. Why do you want to set yourself up for more problems with a manipulative jerk like this?

See him for what he is....a creep that needs to be in control of others and to prey on their weaknesses and insecurities. I don't even know you and trust me, you can do better.