need advice...?

Question

My dh has a son by a previous relationship, he is seven years old and lives with his mother. He stays with us whenever he wants and My dh picks him up from school everyday and takes very good care of him....actually he spoils him extremely bad. He has a room at our house. Okay there's the thing....when I found out I was pregnant everyone was happy. Now that the kids will have to share a room things are not going as smoothly. My dh is making me feel like I am taking this room away from his son. That is the only room other than our room. I also feel like our son will never be as important or loved by his father like his first son. His has made comments about NOT getting excited and attached to our son because of what happened with his other son (his mother leaving with him). He hasn't even bought our child anything yet and I am 8 months preg. I just feel like our son should be treated just as fair and loved just as much as his first son. By the way this is my fist child!!

I really do need some advice on how to handle the situation or some words of encourgement.

Answer 1

Baby should sleep in your room.
Dads buy things for babies???
He's nervous, it's hard to know how that will pan out, but he should be committed to you and believe that you are to him. And he should realize that he has a great relationship with his son even if not with the son's mother, so he should expect the best of both worlds with the new baby.

Answer 2

I'm sorry you are going through something like this. I'm sure things will smooth out. I had the exact same thing happen when my last son was born. My new husband and I both had children from previous marraiges and our son was an accident. lol. My husband never got excited, never bragged about his only son . . . But, I've never seen anyone happier than when he picked that baby up for the first time.

Men deal with things very differently than women do. Try to keep that in mind. And, his apprehensions are very grounded. Unfortunatly, women do use their children against men when they decide to leave. Maybe he just needs a little time to realise that things will be okay.

Also, sometimes you feel guilty for having other children. I felt like I could never love my 2nd child as much as I did my first and I was terrified. It didn't take me long to realise that I had enough room to love both of them. I'm sure your hubby will come to the same conclusion.

As far as bedrooms go, you're not 'taking' the room away from the other child. The child and your hubby need to get used to that right away because there will be alot of sharing after the baby comes. If it is that upsetting then you guys need to move to a bigger house. Your baby has the right to be treated the exact same as any other children in the house.

This is the ultimate test on your relationship, though. While it's not okay for your husband to treat his son any better than the baby, you should remember that goes both ways. Even with a little one around you need to give the same attention to the other child. It's important that you don't treat one any better than the other, also.

Hope everything works out for you. Your emotions are exceptionally high right now. try not to let your worries and doubts take up too much of your thoughts and time. Having a new baby is going to be an adjustment for everybody and I'm sure it will work out just fine. Congratulations and Best Wishes to you and your little one

Answer 3

Couples counseling. You need to sit down with him and speak to him about how you are feeling in a safe, objective space. That may be very hard to do if you confront him at home. Have you tried writing down how you feel in a letter and then letting him read it? I find that emotional topics are better to deal with when I write about them.

Do the kids HAVE to share a room at first? Could the baby stay in your room with the two of you for a little while at first and then slowly transition to sharing a room with the other son? It will be hard on your step-son to share a room with a baby brother, at least until you get your son to sleep through the night. My cousin actually had a large walk-in closet attached to their room when she first became pregnant and she took all of the clothes and junk out of it and the baby slept there for the first few months with the door open.

Have you discussed getting a bigger place yet?

Your dh is probably frightened that you will leave with his son and it's obviously something that greatly upset him when it happened the first time. Fear drives people to do illogical things. And, he may not be as excited about this baby as you are since this is his second child and your first. He may not know how to react or how to make you understand his point of view just as you're having trouble making him understand yours.

That's all the advice that I have. Best of luck!
Peace,
Jenn

Answer 4

For a father to tell himself not to grow attached to his unborn child is not a normal thing, he should be in counseling. It seems like you could use couples therapy as well if he is being so insensitive to your feelings since this is your first child. He should be ashamed of himself for favoring one child over another, that is how siblings grow to hate each other. You really need to sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel, if he does not listen or blow you off then tell him you'll miss him because your child should not grow up around a man who has obviously not really grown up himself. Your baby will be staying in the room with you for awhile so maybe by the time the baby is old enough to share a room with his sibling, his brother may be excited about it and if he is not excited and feeling resentful I truly believe that time will pass, if not then after you and his father have worked out your issues you both need to talk to his son. Perhaps you should both save up for a bigger place (if you live in an apartment) or enough money to add another room on (if you have a house).

Answer 5

Talk to him about it! Explain that the new baby is his forever no matter what and you and the baby need him, his love and his attention. In the far side of my brain I can see his side about losing the first baby when his wife left and his need to makeup for not being with it when he was a baby and so on. BUT this isn't your or the new baby's fault and your dh needs to know and believe this. Treating the first son special will cause trouble between the 2 boys later on in life for them. On a brighter side when the baby is born it will be so unbelievably cute that all this other stuff will be come irrelevant and he will be soo proud to be his father. Oh and to you, congratulations! First baby's are special as are all of them but the experience is a great one don't let things get you down at this wonderful time for you. Some men have trouble acknowledging babies til they are out and about.

Answer 6

Explain to him politely that if he doesn't want to care that much about this child then you don't want him in his life. I don't care how much he loves his other son, THIS is his child as well. Tell him you understand his apprehension at another drama like the first but that this child needs a room as well. If he still wants his first son to have his own room than I suggest you guys move. If you honestly feel like this child won't be as lloved by his father as his other son, I honestly don't know why you are even still there. Your child deserves the best... If that aint the way your dh looks at it then ya don't need him

Answer 7

as far as the room thing the baby is going to need to be in the same room with u and dad for a while... till the baby sleeps through the night (your gonna need to be able to ear the baby) as far as him not being attached you have to keep in mind that he was hurt very bad and he is scared. My hubby was the same way and now that the baby is here things are just fine my baby is 7 weeks old.

Answer 8

♥ Your guy could be a jerk... or he could be scared. Maybe he truly is afraid that you will leave with his son which is why he's afraid to get attached.... that could be the same reason that he is clinging to his first son when he's around. Your best bet is to sit him down and talk to him about the situation, he might not even realize he's doing it.

Good Luck!

Answer 9

You need to get counseling ASAP. Your husband has already rejected the baby before he was born. You should have discussed having children with him before you got pregnant. He has a serious problem that will affect the new baby.

Answer 10

I agree with you.... dump the jerk...