the hardest thing to do is saying goodbye?

Question

when you dump someone how do you stop crying over that person even after they hurt you badly????? i need to do this its for the best right?????

Answer 1

There's no right answer. Everyone has a different way of coping. For me it's friends and family. It's looking at it in a positive light. I give myself "Me time" but one thing we all share is "Time heals everything". It may not come as quick as you'd like but it will come and make you stronger. But if you need something to read I found some things:


1. Feel your Feelings

If you're already in the midst of dealing with a break up you're probably already doing this bit and are looking to move on, but feeling your feelings is an essential part of the healing process.

Some people really struggle with feeling certain feelings, some of us are easier with anger, others with grief. I’d encourage you to explore them all by writing a ‘Grief’ letter to your ‘Ex’. It’s important to know that you’ll never send this letter so you can really explore every aspect of how you feel.

Take the time to explore what you are going to miss and what aren’t you going to miss. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are you always going to love or appreciate about your ‘Ex’.

Explore these questions in such a way that you can feel all the things you suspect may be true even if you’d rather they were not. Write the letter as if you were writing it to someone who really cares about how you feel.

It’s really important that you take time to do this. At first it may not appear that this is the most critical step of coping with a break up, but every time you leave a relationship there is a danger that you will harden your heart due to the pain and disappointment. That hardening makes you less attractive and makes your life a lot less loving.

Whilst coping with a break up it's possible that you've been making yourself promises like, 'That's it I'm never trusting another man again!' or 'That's the last time I date a blonde!', you know the kind of thing. Well over the years those kind of things begin to stick and people seem to get harder and just a little more bitter with each year that passes.

I often work with people who are trying to find love but are so full of resentment, due to their past, that they are totally unattractive. It's much easier to feel and therefore heal feelings of pain and disappointment now than trying to clear them out years later.

If you do this properly you’ll be able to reconnect with at least some of the love you felt for your partner. Not in a way that eats at you, but in a way that nourishes your sense of life.

Taking the time to write this letter will allow you to grieve and hopefully you'll be able to let go of some of the tears. Sometimes I get the sense that a client is so busy holding back their sadness that they are drowning on the inside. Don't spend the rest of your life trying to stay numb, it's really not worth it. Admit it, getting your heart broken really hurts.

If writing the grief letter doesn't help you get to your pain then put on a movie that touches you in a special way or listen to some of those 'special' songs. It will serve you to take the time to really feel your feelings.

If you’ve loved deeply once then you can do it again. If you take the time to heal you will come out of the relationship even more able to love than you were when you entered it. Work to keep your heart healthy and open.
2. Recognise the signal to move on

At some point - whether it's days, weeks, months or even years- you'll get a sense that you're fed up with feeling bad. Maybe there’s a growing frustration with yourself that you aren't moving on. Maybe you’re there right now and that's why you've come looking for break up advice. If you aren't yet at this stage bookmark this page and come back to it when you're ready or print it off and keep it until you are.

The signal that you're ready to move on is not just when you start berating yourself. Self hate is not what I'm talking about here. If you catch yourself saying things like 'You are so pathetic!', or 'Get over it loser, she left you.' then you're not ready to move on. It's bad enough that your relationship ended. Don't make it worse by locking in more self hate.

Go back to step one and take the time to work out what you're still angry or hurt about. I've written How to Get Over A Break Up because it's so easy to get stuck in the process of healing your heart. If you feel like you're really not moving on fast enough then please get in touch, I can help!

So what's the signal you are looking for?

Hopefully it's a voice full of love and compassion for you and your struggles. All you need to know is that this sense of frustration with yourself is a signal. The signal says that it's time to take the necessary steps to move on from the end of your relationship. One of my favorite quotes is that ‘you don’t drown by falling into water, you drown by staying there!’

What do you do as a result of recognising this signal? Just complete the remaining steps of this process.
3. Use your emotion to move you on

Tony Robbins teaches a fantastic method for using your emotions to move you forward. He defines every core emotion as being a signal for action. This step is all about action and making the decision to move forward.

So what are you really feeling? Most commonly after a break up it will be hurt, inadequacy or loneliness. If your prime emotion is something else I'm sorry, there are too many to deal with in this article, but if one of these is your main emotion currently, here are the steps to take:

Hurt - maybe as a result of your sense of loss.

Get a sheet of paper and a pen now. Take 10 minutes and write down all the reasons you won't miss your partner. All the things they did that annoyed you about them. All the things you would have changed about them if you could have done. All the things you wanted from them that they couldn't or wouldn't give you. Keep the list and review it and add to it any time you get those feelings of hurt again. Try to think of at least 5 really big incidents during the relationship where you clearly knew it wasn’t working for you. (You'll need this sheet later on in the process.)

Inadequacy - Feeling unworthy.

Get a sheet of paper. For 10 minutes write down all the things you appreciate or feel proud about yourself for. What would your friends say they like or love about you (you may actually even want to ask some of your close friends). What do your family love about you? What have you achieved in your life that you were proud of? Who do you know that loves you? Sometimes when we feel low this can be hard to do. If you’re struggling with this and there’s nothing you feel good about then ask yourself ‘ If you could feel good about just one thing what would it be?’ Then ask yourself that question again as many times as you can. Trust me - you are bigger and better than you think, you are a miracle in progress!

Loneliness - You need to connect with someone.

This is an important part of the process anyway even if you aren't feeling lonely. Stay in contact with and go out with as many of your friends as you can. It’s important that you do this ahead of time rather than just waiting for the weekend to happen to you. Trying to reach out when you’re miserable is really hard and you can end up getting caught in a spiral. Being single is a luxury that you could easily miss. This serves to remind you that you still have lots of people to connect with in life and it also helps your mind to focus on some fun things.
4. Rid your environment of reminders

What you focus on you is what you feel. If you spend your time thinking about the loss of your partner - guess what? You'll feel miserable. That's why, once you've dealt with the real signals that the emotions give you, you must do as much as you can to focus your mind on things that please you.

Take the practical steps necessary to remove the reminders of your ex. from your environment. They will only act as triggers to think about him or her. Instead, when you see a reminder, use it as a trigger to get rid of that reminder - IMMEDIATELY!. Delete the telephone number, remove the pictures, store the presents. I'm not asking you to destroy them, just put them where you won't see them on a day to day basis.

I know this may feel harsh given they were such a part of your life for so long but it makes a huge difference. Make a deal with yourself that if you are really missing them, and feel the need to re-connect, you can pull out an old photo or that old T-shirt. Take the time to go back and feel sad for a while or write about how much you hate them in that moment and then get back to your new life.

Out of sight, out of mind.

5. Do fun things!

As I said above, what you focus on you will feel. So generate yourself a list of things you like or love to do. Yes, again, you must write them down. So when you're next focusing on things that are making you feel sad, you can run for the list, pick something off it and go do it. It's the best way to speed up the process of moving on.

You'll be amazed at how this works to change your mood.

Keep adding to your list... listen to loud music, dance around the room, sing your favorite fun song, watch your favorite film on video, go for a run or call a friend. You know the kind of things I mean.

The simple, easy and quick to do ones are the best.
6. Recognise you're ready to love again

Well, I wish I could give you a really practical step here, but I can't. What I can tell you is:

* Only you'll know when you're ready
* How long it takes is in your hands
* Set yourself a time limit

When you'll be ready is a gray area. The truth is it will happen when you've fully accepted your past relationship is over and when you've fully dealt with your emotions around the break up. Not easily measured, but doing all the steps in this process will speed it along.

A rough guideline I quote for a limit to getting over a relationship is 1 month for every year of the relationship. Set that as your own time limit for moving on. What will be your month? Keep in mind that men tend to rush into the next relationship much too quickly and women tend to stay single too long.

If you feel like it’s time and you're still finding it difficult to move on, then get some assistance.

I work with some clients I refer to as scared singles and, as far I'm concerned, they have every right to be afraid about getting into a new relationship. Unless you understand what your part was in the ending of your last relationship you run a very real risk of repeating your mistake.
7. Learn from your relationship

The reason you broke up? The real reason - was that you were either not compatible or communication was poor. To ensure you increase your chances of finding someone to love for life, learn from your past relationships.

Take the list of things you may have written about in step 3 and store them in a safe place. If you haven't already generated that list, then do it when you get to this stage of the process.

Also I want you to generate a list of things that you did like about your partner. And store that list too.

In one of my courses I call this the perfect partner exercise, and it's critical to finding you the right partner in the future. But you can see why it's necessary to have properly moved on from the relationship before you go through this exercise.

Finally, I wish you well. I know coping with a break up is a painful time for you. Knowing how to get over a break up and doing it are two different things, so if you need any further help from me, let me know.

More...


Healing A Broken Heart - The Practical
7 Steps

There's another page on this site where I give you 7 practical steps to dealing with a break up. I highly recommend you review the steps and use them when you are ready.

I recognise that the most difficult time to take action is when you're feeling heart broken. Each step is painful and can feel like an immense effort. But the 7 steps are designed to help you take little steps at first and deal with the overwhelming emotions that you're flooded with. Gradually you’ll be able deal with them in a healthy way and move on. It may seem like a long road to healing a broken heart from where you stand, but I know you know, even if just intellectually right now, that it is possible.

If you really are afraid that you might now live through the experience then please get in touch with a professional. I’d be happy to help and offer special emergency sessions for times just like this in your life.
Change Your Focus

What happens when you think about losing your love? How do you feel? In deep pain? The more time you spend focusing on, thinking about your loss or your loved one, the more time you'll spend in pain. Yes, feeling the pain is a natural part of the first step of the process. But I want you to know that you have an option to step out of the pain, as best you can, whenever you choose to.

This is an important skill to develop because there will be times when you are forced to deal with life. You really don't want to add losing your job and then your home to the list of things that went horribly wrong this year.

How?

By focusing your attention on something else. Easier said than done, I know! But the more you occupy your mind with something totally distracting, the less time you'll spend in pain.

What can you do?

* An exercise class - preferably one that will challenge you to follow the moves. Exercise also helps release chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, etc) which are known to have strongly reduce feelings of anxiety, stress and depression. You know, all the stuff that you get from being heart broken.

* Your work! Yes, getting back into work can actually help healing a broken heart. I know your brain may be like mush, but just try to occupy yourself with the easier tasks and preferably involve interaction with other people.

* Meeting a group of friends - don't pick all of your closest friends as you'll end up talking about your loss. If possible you want a group where you know you won't end up discussing it and you can let the positive mood of them pick you up and distract you.

There's plenty of other ways to mentally focus on other activities or thoughts. Inevitably from time to time your mind will wander back to your heart break. But just remember, you have the option at any time to change what you're focusing on and therefore change how you're feeling.


How others Healed Their Broken Heart?

Unfortunately I deal with a lot of heart break. Some of my coaching clients come to me because they're in the darkest depths of heartbreak. A lot more because their relationships are affected by heartbreak from a past major relationship.

Wendy coached with me some years ago now, but even today when I think about it I can still feel the pain of her attempts at healing her broken heart.

She stumbled across her man at her Salsa class. She told me the first time she spotted him of that feeling you get when you're body is magnetically, primevally attracted. Just instinct. Excitement. Anticipation. Adrenaline. All boiling through her body. Quickly followed by the natural self doubt that someone so attractive was ever going to fancy her, let alone want to go out.

It was only minutes before he strode across the room and swept her off for their first dance. It couldn't have been better. And as their relationship developed her excitement and passion began to envelope all areas of her life. Surely this was the relationship she'd been waiting her whole life for.

Just a few days in, they fought, I can't remember what about, but it was an all out barney. The make up sex after made it worth it though, multiple times over!

This pattern was to repeat itself, many times over the coming months.

Her passion, love and excitement grew, only slightly outpaced by the angst, anger and pain she was suffering over his cold, unemotional distance, his lack of attentiveness and cutting sarcasm at the emotions she was experiencing. It was ecstasy, it was hell.

As the months past she realised that the relationship was ripping her and her life apart. He pushed every positive button she had and at the same time seemed to knew just how to cut her to the heart in a second and leave her sobbing for hours.

The growing awareness that despite feelings that he was her soulmate, that she'd never felt more passionate or deeply in love with someone in her life, that she had to end it. There was no way to continue and not destroy herself.

I helped her through the process - almost lived it with her - which was painful enough even as an observer!

We talked just the other day. She still thinks of him. It still hurts. But she's moved on. She called me to tell me that after a long break and several so-so, short relationships she'd met Guy. They've been going out for 9 months now. He's more gorgeous, more caring, more vibrant, more passionate a man than she'd ever imagined. And there's none of the destructive patterns that destroyed her in her last significant relationship.

Wendy told me she never believed me in her heart when I told her that she could and would find better. And now it was reality. Yes, it was hell for her. But moving through those seven steps, with my support and with the necessary distance of time, she's got through it.

This may not be the heart break you're facing, but I'm sure you can see that the pain is very similar. Even if you can only see it as an intellectual possibility that 'this too shall pass', that's all you can hope for at this stage. Follow the 7 steps. Put them into action and have faith that healing a broken heart is possible.

Answer 2

All I can say is good luck. I have been married 10 years. I finally left, but being away was worse. So now I am back and nothings changed. I am more miserable without him than with so I stuck it out. For the most part he is a good man and a good father, he just spends too much time playing poker and I am lonely. So you have to decide what is best for you and alot depends on how long you've been in the relationship, are there kids involved, is he violent. If he is violent get the hell out no matter how much it hurts.

Answer 3

It is for the best!! You need to stay strong and think what an amazing person you are and how you deserve a guy that will treat you like a princess! When you get sad and lonely lean on your friends and family they WILL be there for you no matter what! Call them when you 'think' you miss him and they will keep your mind off of him. Go out and be busy try not to give yourself to much time alone during the course of a day... And always remember you deserve the best, so don't think of it as goodbye, but as a hello to a better you! Keep Smiling!!!! :-)

Answer 4

If you felt that the relationship wasn't going right then it was for the best. Maybe you feel empty because you were so used to their company. Just busy yourself with other activities and over soon, you'll forget about the person. It takes time to heal a broken heart.

Answer 5

i think of see you later, I hate ending some thing good or that I savour and in case you're saying see you later, its over till you're saying hi! many of the time sorry ability that a controversy is over or forgiveness and thats continuously good =] Have a advantageous day! I have been given dentist quickly =|

Answer 6

No, the hardest thing to do is to tell your 10 year old son his father just died and then have to bury your child's father when he's only 33.

Kind of makes your problem seem like a mosquito bite doesn't it?

Answer 7

Go ahead and cry, but remind yourself of this pain later on in life when you want to go back to him or her. I am dealing with something similar right now and even though part of me wants to go back to him, I know it is not the right thing for me. You'll be OK, I promise! Good luck!

Answer 8

well depends on why ur dumping this person.. if u think its for the best then u gotta get on with it. if ur that sad about it myb dumping them was a mistake. =)

Answer 9

omg, i know right?

:[
i know how you feel.
yeah its the right thing, but trust me, it takes a while to get over..

you are constantly wondering if you made a mistake && stuff. but then i tell myself why i had to && stuff && it helps.

listen to carrie underwood's song ; starts with goodbye

the lyrics r how u feel prtty much.
good luck :[