why is my sailor going nuts?

Question

Soooo Ive been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now and he joind the navy, he left in april. We did have plans to get married at the end of the year. I called him while intoxicated the other night and told him about how upset i was about him being gone and how i miss him a real lot. Now he decided that we should wait untill after his first deployment to get married bc he dosent think i can handle it. Hes afraid im going to leave him bc it "happens alot". The worst part is that he has 6 months of school then who knows when he will be deployed?!? Is this a normal thing for new sailors to go through and why is he all of a sudden insecure? anything helps thanks

Answer 1

i am a navy wife, and hunny it only gets harder, it is all worth it, but it sounds like he is going through the same thing my hubby went through, my hubby is out to sea as we speak, and they do get their insucurities at time.. but you have to show him that you are serious about being with him and staying by his side even if it means wait months to hold him in your arms agian!! you need to remind him every day that he is your world and that if you were not capable of dealing with the military life you would not have chosen him.. make sure you reasure him that the love you have for him could never be blindsided by temtation, my husband wanted me to stay at home with my family to make his diployment easy on me, however i stayed at our home and went on with the daylie rooteen* and i email him every day!! so to answer your question, no he is not going nuts he is thinking about you and how hard it will be for you... to tell you the truth being a military wife is the hardest job in the world!! but i think that you will do just fine!! just stick by your man and tell him every day that you are so proud of him and every thing he does!! good luck to you and your man!! and tell him form experince, it will get better, after it gets harder!! just love your man and he will snap out of it!!

Answer 2

Well... He's going through a LOT of personal growth and changes... and he probably isn't thrilled with the idea of hearing you call him, drunk, and saying how much you miss him and want him to be home... for the next few years. This is his job. This is what he has chosen to do with his life. You either support him or you don't.

I hate to break it to you, but in the Navy he'll be deployed a lot. Families can't go on deployments... and Navy deployments are on Navy ships and carriers. If you can't handle him being away at school, where he's safe, then he may be right that you won't be able to handle his deployments, when he is potentially in danger.

They say 90% of a man's ego is tied to what he does for a living. Military men are pretty famous for believing in and taking pride in what they do. By complaining about what he does for a living and what that means to you, you're hitting at the one thing that can truly hurt him. Why would he set himself up that way?

He needs you to be his cheerleader, and to encourage him, support him... and tell him that you miss him but you're okay because you believe in what the two of you have together. He does NOT need someone who can't be happy unless he's right there.

Sorry to be so blunt about it... but that's the reality of his life... and your life if you choose to make it your own...

Answer 3

The military is rough on relationships. I lost my first wife because of being deployed nine months out of the year. She couldnt deal with my sudden disappearances and just as sudden reappearances. Many jobs in the military require rapid deployment at a moments notice and you cant notify anyone when you leave and cant tell them where you have been when you return. These jobs really tend to destroy families. With shipboard deployments I have heard similar problems. Soldier goes on deployment, spouse gets bored & lonely, spouse finds someone to entertain them, Soldier comes home to empty house. He isnt being insecure, he has probably been hearing about these types of problems and wants to make sure that you can hang before you both do something that you will regret at a later time. Use this period as a trial to determine if you can deal with the military life. This isnt insecurity on his part, it is just good sense based on the experience of others.

Answer 4

This is a very understandable reaction on his part. Do you think the fact that you called intoxicated helped relieve his worries that you wont be faithful? Further, if you think the military "ruin(s) the you(r) life", why DO you stay with him; afterall, that is what you posted as a response to another question on here? Keep your words soft and sweet; you never know when you'll have to eat them.

I'm in the Army, and luckily, I have not been cheated on by my fiance, but I know a guy whos wife left him and spent all of his money on dates, trips, and tattoos of her new boyfriend's name.

You cannot imagine the feeling of being thousands of miles away from anyone you love, fearing the person you love the most is spreading her legs for another guy, and on top of it all, you are in physical danger...

That said, I do not mean to insinuate you would cheat. Sit down, and explain to him that you would not cheat (only if it's true please), let him explain his feelings to you, and try to be understanding. That should make him feel better about the issue.

Love is like fire - When it is first kindled in a man, small troubles and temptations smother and hinder it; but when it really burns, having kindled the man's eagerness for God, the more temptations and tribulations meet it, the more it flares, until it overcomes and consumes all injustice and wickedness. --Peter Riedemann

Answer 5

let's see, you called him up and told him you were upset. of COURSE he thinks you can't handle it!!!

Let me tell you, being a military spouse, is HARD. It is NOT EASY by any stretch of the imagination. If you cannot deal with him being in A school, howinhell are you going to deal with a six month or more deployment to a combat zone?!

he is insecure because YOU gave him the impression that you are not strong enough to handle the sacrifices needed. It is up to YOU to let him know that you really can.. if indeed you can. That means no wallowing in self pity to him. no whining about how he's not around.

Answer 6

Recruitment to the armed services and the Police forces in the past was always strictly controlled so events like this just didn't happen. Both of the officers shot were Lieutenant Commanders, not exactly junior officers. In my days contact with anyone other than the officer of the day, usually a Lieutenant, was extremely rare. Recruitment now has been taken over by political correctness and the equal opportunities industry so that some unsuitable candidates are taken on. I've even heard that some with criminal records are allowed into the police. No one with a criminal record should be allowed in and no one who sits on a trial jury should be allowed with a criminal past, they are more likely to be sympathetic rather than sensible in reaching their decisions. One of my uncles was fortunately very strict in his lifestyle, I think that was the reason he was never selected to serve on a jury.

Answer 7

It doesn't sound like he is insecure, it sounds like he is trying to protect himself from being hurt. Maybe you should take a step back and look at yourself. He didn't decide this until AFTER you called him while you were drunk and told him what you told him. It does sound like you wouldn't be able to handle it when he is gone for deployments, or for what ever other things the Navy would need to send him away for. You scared him, and I don't blame him for being scared.

Answer 8

I hate to say it, but the truth is he is in the process of being "brain washed" to put Service Before Self, he sees you as an extension of "self" thus rendering him unable to concentrate on his school and/or job.

You are taught to put the good of the military above everyone else, including yourself....

Give him what he wants, once he graduates from all his schools he will realize he has time for more than just the Navy in his life.....hopefully you will still be waiting.

Answer 9

Very normal. Sailors have rough marriages, and relationships.

Six months of school? Is he in the nuclear program? That's what I was in.

It is a good idea to wait, and see what the separation is like. If your relationship is strong, you will be fine. If it's not...it's better to split before marriage, not after.

Answer 10

wow he seems to be getting a bit of cold feet all round IMO, as for the 1st deployment well that depends on the ship, his next duty station even his actual job in the navy, so really what he is saying is that it is put off for how ever long he feels like.

Have you ever been apart before this time?

regards