Is it wrong to give up custody of a child you cant take care of? Should you feel guilty?

Question

I have a 2 year old daughter. She was a rape baby but I call her my miracle child. I gave up custody because I cant take care of her right now. She hates me and says that I gave her up beacuse I was ashamed of her. But I am not. I would give my life for me daughter. Should I feel bad for giving her up?

Heres some more details. I am only 18 fresh out of high school and pregnant with my fiance's baby. My daughter seems to think I will love this baby more than her. I feel bad about giving her up but I cant take care of her. I live in a one bedroom apartment and work a 16 hour job.

Answer 1

You made the hard, difficult and CORRECT decision.

If you couldn't take care of the child then she will be worse off, even if adopted. But, just because you give her up doesn't mean you have to leave her life. If your daughter is with child services ask them if you can visit her. You gave her up and it was not for any reason that delt with you hurting her, you did it because you could not afford to give her the life that she would need to be a success in life.

Yes, you should feel bad, you are only human, but you should take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing. The problem is that your daughter doesn't understand and it will take some time, probably years for her to understand why.

If you can't visit your daughter then get a tape recorder and record some messages for her and send them to her. Tell her that you still love her and show it to her, but just explain that you are unable to take care of her because you don't have the money.

At some point you may get a decent job or your life may improve enough that you can regain custody; if she hasn't been adopted yet then you could. If she has been adopted then you can ask the parents if you could please stay in contact and be a part of her life. You will have to promise them that you won't try and take her back, she has a new family now, but you can still visit her and let her hear your voice on tape (you may have to buy a cheap tape player for her to hear your messages on, but you should be able to get them at Radio Shack for pretty cheap).

You need to show your daughter that you still love her and wait until she is old enough for her to understand why you had to give her up. If you keep in contact with her and keep reassuring her that she is your "miracle child" but because of your situation you couldn't support her. Later when she is old enough to understand what rape is and about abortion then you can explain that if you did not love her you could have gotten rid of her early on. But, you carried her to term and to birth because you loved her and you will always love her.

Answer 2

Doing right by your child means that she is healthy and well taken care of and in a safe living environment. If you can't provide that for her, then by all means, give her to someone who can. How can she say she hates you and thinks you are ashamed of her if she is only 2? That is a kid with a good vocabulary.

All she understand is "mommy doesn't want me anymore." Make sure to keep contact with her and help her understand that you love her so much that you wanted her to be happy and safe, and at this point in both of your lives, you can't make her happy or safe, so you are doing the best you can with what you can. Time and communication can only heal broken hearts.

Answer 3

Yes, you should feel bad. As a father myself, I knew from the moment he was born, that I would never again be the same person ever. Especially after two years, you should feel bad about your decision. Look I work two jobs, and do work on the side to ensure that he will be with me for as long as I can. Nothing, not money, could ever make me release my grip on the only reason I have living. And he didn't even come out of me. I believe that when people give up their children, it is because of selfish reasons. Because they want more time for themselves. Do this now, and you will never be able to forgive yourself. Unless you truly are that selfish.

Answer 4

You should feel worse if you couldn't take care of her the way she needs. You made a choice that was a hard one. first, you gave birth to this child and then was able to look at her with love in your eyes not hatred. You should be proud of that. Of course you are going to feel bad, you love her and have taken care of her and for a good reason, you found her a home for her to strive in. If you are able to, talk to her when you can, tell her why you did what you did. tell her time after time how much you love her and that you are never ashamed of her. You can write her letters and keep them for when she is older. I commend you for truly making a heart wrenching choice for no one other than your child. God Bless You.

Answer 5

A two year old knows nothing of hate unless it is taught to her. You have done the right thing for your daughter. She needs a stable family life. If she is being adopted by the family bow out and let her have her life. She will not remember anything that happened to her when she was two when she gets older...
You are a generous woman to put the child before your own wants.

Answer 6

Sounds like the little girl is pretty traumatized and has a right to be. I'm not going to pretend to know your situation but you need to realize the huge impact this has had on a young girl, 2 year old in fact. Not only does she not have a "legitamate" father but now her mother abandoned her as well, sounds like she's going to have severe self esteem issues later on in life. If you had to do what you had to do for the good of your daughter and yourself that's one thing but I hope the reason you can't take of her is a valid one.

Answer 7

no. you did what is best for her, you knew that you couldnt saport her. though she does not realize it now, she will later. that you where only thinking of her well being. im so sorry that she is reacting the way she is but you have to understand that it is hard for a child to go threw things like that and most of the time they think things that arnt true just because they want an expanation. i belive you're a great parent because you had to do the right thing even though it was so hard and important to you but you gave her away to help her, thats soooo great that you love her that much. i hope she is greatful for it soon!

Answer 8

Even if I told you you shouldnt feel bad, you will. You did what you had to do for your daughter and it hurts that she is too young to understand and it hurts because you loved her so much. I would keep a diary if I were you.. starting with when you finally made the decision to give her a better life.. that wya when she is older you can show it to her to let her know hos much you loved her. Tale Care.

Answer 9

If you cant provide her with a suitable life a child needs i don't think you should feel guilty. A child is a huge responsibility and and needs someone who can care for and love them unconditionally.

There are so many people out there unable to conceive their own children who would be more than happy to love and care for her as their own.

Answer 10

no matter what the childs thinks never feel bad for doing what you think is right. you felt you could not take care of her right now, so you wanted to give her a better life right now. maybe later on you can explain it to her. you may feel bad about having to do that, what mother would not feel bad, but do not feel guilty about knowing and doing what is best for her. just for doing what is best for her makes you a good mother. and best of luck in the future.