My boyfriend and I are polyamorous (love each other, live together, but may date/love other people on the side). When we began our relationship two years ago, I thought we saw eye-to-eye on the subject. Now I find my definition is much looser than his- he wants me to introduce any of my potential lovers to him and be platonic friends with them before anything else. This sort of defeats the purpose of attraction. It seems like I'm now monogamous by accident, and it's sort of chafing me. I'm not a good communicator, and I don't know how to tell him that I want to date and have casual sex with other people, but still love him. I hate feeling like being attracted to other people and wanting to date others makes me unfaithful. It's especially hard being bisexual, because I miss dating girls as well as men.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can say/do about this? I don't want to break up, but I feel trapped.
2007-07-17 10:16:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Also, if it makes any difference- I'm 20, and have been with him since I was 18. He's the first guy I've ever lived with and been serious about.
2007-07-17 10:23:04 · update #1
It sounds like he got more serious about you as you went along in your relationship and his values changed. Changes happen. Ask him about options such as swinger clubs (if you can get into that) where you both see what the other is doing, where there obviously is no love involved. That's what he's paranoid about. If you go let him take the initiative first with another woman. Help out if you will.
Let the conventionals have their ways. We don't all come from the same egg. Good luck.
2007-07-17 10:29:07 · answer #1 · answered by Rising Son 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Doesn't sound like polyamory but just an open relationship (you mentioned casual sex with others, not love relationships)...either way, if you two aren't on the same page with regard to this it's likely to cause problems.
Talk about it some more and find out if you can reach an agreement you are both comfortable with...otherwise it may be time for you to move on and be casual with whomever you desire until you meet someone else who has a more similar relationship view...
2007-07-17 10:24:30 · answer #2 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He changed the rules on you - probably because he was jealous ( in my opinion, of course.)
If you feel trapped now, it isn't going to get better on its own.
I really don't know enough details, but since you are bi, i think he may want to meet the girls; that he thinks it is hot. I think the requirement that you all be platonic friend first means that he is trying to have a veto power. Because if he doesn't think this is a good platonic friend, you don't get to another form of relationship.
has he introduced you to any of his friends, to see if everybody can be friends?
Like i said, i think he changed the rules on you. It's OK if you decide to accept that, but i would worry about when he would change some other agreement. I don't think it speaks well for him..
2007-07-17 10:30:02 · answer #3 · answered by nickipettis 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you feel trapped I think you should sit down with him and tell him what you told us. Tell him that you love him but that you want to date/have sex with other men and women casually but that it doesn't affect your feelings for him. Explain how you want things to develop with future lovers and that you don't want to necessarily be friends with them or bring them around to meet him first. It seems to me that you two aren't that far apart on this and that it's more a matter of degrees. Good luck!
2007-07-17 10:23:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Utah Polyamory Society (a yahoo group) is a great sourse of links, reference material and so on relating to poly lifestyles. Perhaps some of those could help.
2007-07-18 06:27:27 · answer #5 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, it is like this: No one wants to be number two. Everyone will eventually want to be the only one. Those who are content with just butty calling, such as yourself, always end up sick and lonely. Wake up from the fantasy or it will kill you soon enough. "Polyamory" is a STUPID way to live.
Mr. M on "polyamory."
by the way, it is "polyamore."
2007-07-17 10:21:28 · answer #6 · answered by Humberto M 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The key is if you are comfortable and not threaten by the other relationship. most bi relationship, i know about, have a primary relationship and a secondary relationship. the real problem is most religion look down on it. so if you get that resolved then I guess you decision.
2016-04-01 09:15:30 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you may as well break up. your relationship is more of a friends with benefits thing, you love eachother but want to be able to have sex with other people.. just break up. or tell him no.
2007-07-17 10:21:56 · answer #8 · answered by c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A dose of his own medicine. Tell him you want to be introduced to each of his prospective pickle dishes so you can compare notes and yadda. Isn't life strange/???
2007-07-17 10:20:47 · answer #9 · answered by acmeraven 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why be in a relationship if you're willing to see/love other people? Break up-- you ARE trapped.
2007-07-17 10:19:58 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋