If you care for children *more* than their own Mother...?

Question

... timewise yet have *NO* say in how they are raised should you refuse to care for them at all (however hard that would be because you love them)and let *her* pick them up from school and so on even though she says she *must* work to pay the mortgage etc. yet my son says they *could* get by without her going to work.
And generally - should parents of primary school-aged children (and secondary come to that and *especially* pre-school) be working hours that don't allow them to take and fetch the children to school or be home to talk about their day afterwards anyway?

Answer 1

Oh Joan, I really do worry about you and your relationship with your daughter in law. I'm absolutely serious about it because I think it's genuinely something that is affecting you very deeply.
I have a little girl who is one month short of 4. She goes to pre-school in the morning whilst I work. I then pick her up at 12 and we spend the rest of the day together. I then work at night when she's in bed. I cannot afford not to work, otherwise I wouldn't. I worry about those women who work all day every day and do not see their children, but feel sure that they have their reasons and it's usually due to finances. All you can do is be their grandmother. Enjoy the time that you spend with them as I'm sure they enjoy the time they spend with you (my daugther loves her grandmothers) and leave your daughter-in-law to get on with whatever she needs to get on with. If it really isn't necessary for her to work then it's extremely sad, but not your problem. Enjoy being so important to all of your family and let the little ones keep you young. I expect that in a few years time your daughter in law may complain to you that she has missed out so much on her little ones growing up. When that day comes you have my permission to punch the air and shout "yes!".

Answer 2

That would be mean if you did that. you don't have the right to have a say in how they are raised you are helping them and if you don't pick them up they will find an after school program or something that will. Would you rather your grand children be with even more people that are not family because you want to throw a tantrum. As for parents should not be working those hrs this is not the day that you raised your kids. Ok maybe they could get by with one check but probbally not very well. Why do you hate your daughter in law so much

Answer 3

The harsh reality of today's world is that not every family can afford a stay at home parent, or flexible hours; unfortunately thay just aren't options for a lot of families. I understand that you have concerns, but remember, what you are doiung is for the kids that you lvoe and nurture, not necessarily for the parents. If you feel taken advantage of, speak to the parents, BOTH of them, together, and discuss options. There may be an afterschool program that they could attend, maybe they could pay you for your services, and you could use the money for the kids if you'd like. If they are having problems or causing problems for you, then you DO have the right to discuss this with the parents. Just remember, those children have no choice, you may be the best part of their day.

Answer 4

I don't like the first sentence of your question however, if you refuse to care for them then you are taking your personal grievances for their mother out on them - they did not ask for the situation did they?
I do understand your frustration in the fact you look after them while her and your son work but you can't give a say on how they are raised but they are their children at the end of the day.
You have to realise that this is a world in which work must come before anything to avoid being called/thought of as scroungers - of the state or their husbands by so-called pillars of society - even if children have to suffer.

Answer 5

Well, people do leave there children at daycare centers all the time and those people who take care of the children really have no say so in how they are raised, but if you are family, like the grandma then yes, i believe you should have your say so, but the mom is really gonna do what she wants to do, as hard as it is....i don't think it would be fair to the kids for you not to watch them just because you can't say how they should be raised...maybe the mom enjoys working and gives her satisfaction, i'm the opposite, i'm a stay at home mom and i love it, we dont' make much money because of my hubby being the only one working, i mean, we cutt coupons and can't go very many places, but to me it's worth it, because i get to watch my kids grow and be there for them all the time, and that gives me a sense of accomplishment and i'm satisfied with that, but some woman dont' feel the same, i do think that if you are working you should try your hardest to be there to talk about there day and spend time with them, what is the point of having kids if your gonna throw them off on some one else all day and come home late, send them to bed and repeat that....you never see them, so why do they have them in the first place?...so, back to the subject, yes, you spend more time with them and if your gonna continue being the one who watches them day in and day out then you should have a say so...if not, then what do you do?..let them do what they want all day and not say a word because you have no say so in what they do, if that were the case man oh man, they are gonna be some trouble makers, so, i'd have a long talk with there mom and get her to understand there you are there more than she and they are gonna look to you for guidence and disapline so you have to have a so say.

Answer 6

As a grandmother, I have found that the best way to be able to love my grandchildren is to just be their grandmother and not try to be their mother.

As a mother and mother-in-law, I gave the gift of "no unsolicited advice" as a wedding gift. When they want my advice they ask (and they do a lot). If they don't ask, I bite my tongue. Why? because I'd rather set the example of a good mother and a good grandmother than fight with them all the time. If you are a religious person, you might pray and let God handle those times when you can't be there.
It's really hard to watch when you don't have control...but it's better to have a good relationship so you are there when you are needed...and it sounds like you will be.

Answer 7

This is a very personal decision that every family must make on their own. As a working mother in a family that *could* get by if I stayed at home, I appreciate the extra income I bring in. If I stayed at home, we would not be able to do the fun things we do now (i.e. vacations, toys for my daughter, etc.). So while you feel that your daughter-in-law should stay home, it is not your decision. If you feel that strongly about it, refuse to care for the kids. But in the long run, I think that would hurt you more than it would hurt them because it will limit the time you spend with your grandchildren.

Generally, I'm sure all parents wish they didn't have to work so they could spend more time with their children. But not working doesn't pay the bills and somebody's gotta do it.

Answer 8

Think you have too many issues here to ask someone else's opinion, but you asked so here goes.
She possibly feels that she's working to provide a better standard of living for her children, she obviously doesn't want to just "get by" as is your son's opinion. It's every woman's right to be able to work if they choose to REGARDLESS of the age of their children - that's why there are childcare facilities.
I don't know who you are to judge this woman and her parenting skills, but if you feel so strongly against her then maybe you shouldn't be caring for her children as your opinions should be your own and not transferred to her children (as they will be). Parenting is a difficult enough job without coming up against critiscism from someone who you think is supposed to be helping you.
As for seeing more of the children than their mum does and having no say in how they should be raised - try being a Childminder and seeing how the input you provide everyday is cast aside because different people have different opinions, views and ideas!

Don't judge this poor woman - she's being punished enough by missing out on her kids because she has the natural instinct to provide for them! By judging her you're judging thousands of others.

Answer 9

I really wish I was in a position whereby I could take and collect my son from school and be a 'stay at home' mum but I simply cannot afford to. I constantly feel guilty and try to make sports day, concerts and so on and luckily my son realises that I NEED to go to work and the reasons why. I have a partner who also works full time and my wage barely covers the mortgage!!

Answer 10

your not supposed to have any say in how the children are raised. They are NOT your children. Just love them, help out the mom and be a good grandma.. your done being the mom. Live with it.
You sound incredibly judgemental. Dont worry about their work routine. Its not the important matter. The important matter is that everyone loves each other and gets along, and lady you sound like you are making that hard. Im sure the parents feel your abrasion and its making thier life less than pleasant.

Answer 11

Sometimes you have to work, there's no other option. I wish I could stay home, but it's just not feasible. I do, however, feel that you are being take advantage of. If you have the kids at your house, they should follow your rules. When they are at home, though, you really have no say in it. And they are her kids. Maybe she could put them in daycare after school. Some schools even have an after school program and will keep them there until the parents get off work. Bottom line-if you feel you are being used, I'd tell them to make other arrangements. She can still work, she'll just have to put the kids in after school care.