my fiance and i are paying for our own wedding, but...?

Question

my mom still insists that our invitations be worded "jane & john smith along with jane & john brown request your presence at the marriage of their children...". instead, my fiance and i decided on "together with their families, julie smith & tom brown request the honor of your presence at their wedding...". my mom feels that this means she's not going to be acknowledged at our wedding, which isn't true, but we want our invites to reflect the fact that WE are paying for our wedding, not the bride or grooms families. any ideas on how to word the invites? am i wrong in wording them this way?

Answer 1

Honey, if you're paying for it, you can put it any way you want. I understand your mother wanting to be acknowledged, that's they way invitations have been worded for years and years. Times have changed and if you want it to be "together with their families", than you go girl!

Answer 2

You are not wrong. But is it really that big a deal to you to prove to everyone that you paid for your own wedding? We paid for our wedding but I still wanted to include both of our parents on the invitation.
Ours read...

Mr. & Mrs. John Smith
and
Mr. & Mrs. Michael Jones
together with their children
Jane
&
Michael

I just received a wedding invite that was very nicely worded too where the bride and groom are paying for everything...

Jane Marie Smith
&
Michael Peter Jones
Graciously request your presence
as we begin our new life together

Answer 3

Maybe this...

Julie Smith
Daughter of Jane and John Smith

and

Tom Brown
Son of Jane and John Brown

request the honor of your presence at their wedding.


The "daugher of, son of" can be smaller font.
This way your parents are still mentioned in the invite. A big reason to have them on there is if you are going to invite your parents distant family or friends that might otherwise be confused by just "Julie and Tom".
If your mom still insists to have the invites the other way, she can pay for them herself. Otherwise, you will spend you wedding money as you please.

Answer 4

First, hosting a wedding and paying for a wedding are separate. The role of acting as host is not up for auction to the highest bidder. If this bit of etiquette were better known, we'd have fewer fights between groom's parents who expect their financial contributions to entitle them to an equal say in decisions which are properly made by the hosts, traditionally the bride's parents.

On the other hand, a modern bride often does not fit the traditional mold of a "sweet young thing" moving from the protection and support of her parents to the protection and support of her new husband. A modern bride who is proud of her ability to support and protect herself, thank you, might well resent the implication that she is a child "being married off" by her parents.

Is there a compromise? Perhaps something like:

Miss Smart Cookie, daughter of

Mr & Mrs David Cookie, and

Mr Hector Harper, son of

Mr & Mrs Leon Harper

request the pleasure of your company

at their wedding ceremony ... etc

A final word of advice. I suspect that there is some "hidden agenda" in your desire to announce to the world "We're paying for this ourselves; our parents didn't help!" I further suspect that the agenda is something not very pretty, like resentment that your parents aren't paying. I suggest that you tread very carefully here and refrain from inflicting wounds on those close to you. Surely, it is better to forgive too much than to condemn too much.

Congrats and best wishes.

Added later: Any advice along the lines of "This is YOUR day and it's all about YOU and you should do just as you please" should be ignored completely. A party (even a party as special as a wedding reception) is about showing a good time to your guests, including guests who may happen to be your parents. If you want an orgy of self-indulgence, then check into a spa.

Answer 5

I don't think you our but my mother would disagree. I paid for my own wedding and do what you are planning on doing. I did it, not because I paid for the wedding but because my wife parents were divorced, and my wife wasn't even sure she was going to invite her father. She hadn't spoken to him in years. I thought it would not look right to not include a parent so I included no parents.

You as the host of the wedding are right but if you can make your parents happy by including them then I say do it.

Julie Smith daughter of Jane and John Smith and
Tom Brown son of Jane and John Smith
request ...

Answer 6

If you are sending out wedding invitations it is high time you got a spine and stood up to Mommy. It is your wedding and you are paying for it then you get to word it the way you want. I think what you have is tasteful and reflects the situation. If mom is still upset reassure her that she will be acknowledged in some way and let it go at that. If she still will not back down remind her that it is your wedding and your day and it is not about her it is about you.

Answer 7

Yes, you are wrong. The way the invitations are worded DO NOT have to do with who is paying for the wedding. Having the parents' names listed is simply a lovely courtesy, to say who the parents are of the couple. So you could say:
Jane Evelyn,
daughter of John and Linda Doe,
and
Joe Fred,
son of Ron and Sue Cool,
request the honour of your presence.....
- this simply states the relationship...
Don't make a big deal out of something which you SHOULD have been doing properly anyway, which is always honouring your parents.

Answer 8

You are not wrong at all. Your mother wants to be center stage and wants people to think that she's paying for everything.

If you give into her demands now, your whole marriage will be based around what she wants.

You can omit the whole family thing and just acknowledge "Tom Brown and Julie Smith, request the honor of your presence at their wedding...."

Answer 9

No you are not wrong for wording it that way. It should be worded that way because they aren't paying for anything. My husband and I payed for our wedding and we worded our invitations that way too. If you go to www.theknot.com they have all different kinds of invitation wording. Remember, it is your day, not your parents, you shouldn't sweat the small things like this, there will be more stressful things coming I am sure! Good Luck!

Answer 10

By wording it "together with their families" you ARE including your Mom. It would actually be inappropriate if you named her, since you are the ones paying for the wedding. The name listed indicates the host. It's YOUR wedding-really, because you're footing the bill, and you are in the right!

Answer 11

You have every right to word it John & Jane invite you to...My mom was the same way. She was offended that our parents names, mostly hers, was not in the invitation. My husband & I paid for 99% of our wedding. She only helped out at the very end, (2weeks b4 the wedding). Now my sister is getting married & they've paid for almost 95% of their wedding & my mom insisted her name be added on the invitation. My sister & I could not convince her about proper wedding etiquette. In the end, (mostly to shut her up), she worded, John & Jane along with their parents...bottom line, you're right, its your wedding & you can't worry about making everyone happy, because the one that should be happy is you!