Am I wrong for not wanting to pitch in for a coworkers flowers?

Question

Today she had gastric bypass surgery and she came through fine. I'm happy for her. Now the office wants everyone to pitch in so they can send her a gift basket of flowers, a book and a few magazines and I don't want to. It's not that I don't like her, but I feel like they're congratulating her for being lazy. Prior to this surgery she was supposed to be on a diet for 6 months. Her doctor gave her 2 months free and for the other 4 she never ate right(ordering chinese, fried chicken, bagels), never worked out. She didn't try at all, then complained when she gained 2-3lbs every month she weighed in. I realize it's the gesture the office is going for, but it bothers me. Am I just being rude or do I have a point?

how does that make me insensitive and shallow? i've dealt with weight issues all my life, but guess what i sucked it up and actually tried, and i succeeded.

lol well it wasn't like i was stalking her, she sits right in front of me so of course i hear everything. kind of hard not to know what's going on when i'd get impending surgery updates from her everyday.

Answer 1

It is enough to just say," I'm happy your surgery went well. " Now if she has any thought herself why she is at this point she should understand that it was she who placed herself in this situation - from what you have said. I do agree with you on not having to reward someone who set themselves up to their own outcomes of certain situations such as hers. If we acknowledge everyone for this, then we will go broke ourselves in donating to everyone in the office. I believe we offer a donation only if we want to, not just because we are asked to..As for myself, I can not contribute to every whim in the office for I have family life obligations I must take care of...oh wait if your office personel looks at you in anyway for not donating, than heres a situation you can bring up for them to donate to your cause. " I lost my earnings at bingo(lol) so now I can't pay for my rent/pge, I need you to donate to me now" hmmmmmmm do ya think they would???

Answer 2

I see your point in that you've witnessed a co-worker shove all kinds of bad food down her throat without any regard to the consequences. That would probably annoy me, too.

But a gastric bypass is, in many ways, not the easy way out that many people think it is. It is for people who do not have the self-control or discipline or the means to end their addiction to food and need to control this addiction is through pretty radical surgery.

It is a surgery with risks and complications and changes how, when, and how much food they can have - for the rest of their life. It may sound like an easy fix, but it is a difficult adjustment reconciling what's going on physically (your stomach is too small to eat food) and mentally (your mind is saying FEED ME I WANT FRENCH FRIES).

It sounds like she's had a bit of a medical intervention, and for her to say "yep, I can't control what I put in my mouth and I'm willing to do this surgery" (and she's going to have to exercise, too, if she's got a good doctor overseeing her treatment), I give her credit and you might want to throw a buck or two into the kitty to get her some flowers.

Answer 3

I HATE being solicited for group gifts, so I feel your pain here.

Go with your heart.

If she were a good friend, I'd say chip in a little and congratulate her on taking a step toward good health. Not everyone can get control of their eating habits. It may not be a matter of laziness -- she could be depressed or having hormonal imbalances, for example.

But it sounds like you're not very close to this person and you don't have a lot of respect for her. I'd tell your co-workers (should they be rudely pushy enough to ask you to open your wallet): "thanks for assembling the group gift, but I'm going to send her something on my own." Then send her a note saying you hope her recovery goes well, and you look forward to seeing her soon at work. There is nothing remotely rude about sending sincere wishes for a speedy recovery without a gift.

Answer 4

I agree with you about Gastric Bypass surgery being a poor excuse - but surgery is still surgery. Oh, and when her surgery opens up all kinds of complications because she didn't follow the rules - keep quiet about it.

Put your principles away for a bit and pony up. Yes, it's a reward for her not sticking to the rules in the first place. But, let's put it this way - it's a bit of an insurance policy that when you're out sick, someone will take up a collection for YOU.

And I would bet it's less than $15 out of your pocket.


Believe me - she's going to suffer more for this than you ever will.

Answer 5

You have a point that you don't think she deserves to be contratulated that she had to do the last resort surgery. However, sometimes we have to just keep peace in an office. Smile and chip in whatever amount they want. I have a friend that went through that surgery and lost 175 pounds. She said you can't imagine the people that tell her she did it the EASY way! Far from it. She can never eat white bread again and lot of other things. She can only eat one half cup of food at a meal. That is it and that is forever. She is just not entering the hard part. Be nice and supportive and thank God that you are an average weight and didn't have to fight this demon.

Answer 6

I understand your situation, it's called resentment. I would feel that way too, if I saw her behaviour about her health, and most especially if her work was delegated to me the whole time she was in the hospital. But the thing is, your co-workers are just being polite and supportive to her. After all she is the one in the hospital bed now, had some of her internal organs removed and/or replaced, and possibly aching in one or two places. You are better off health-wise so in a way this is how you "feel sorry" for the lady for having to go through this inconvenience in her life. You may have a point, but you are at a better position than she is, so show her some love. =)

Answer 7

Gee, we must work together cause I got one of these lazy, fat , loud mouths working with me ... She actually didn't meet the BMI qualifications the first time to be considered for her surgery. So she pigged out for 5 months to gain enough for a different clinic. We heard EVERY detail and still hear every detail of her life with surgery. So be prepared when she gets back to work . She will probably be going on and on about what she can and cannot eat and what happens if she does. Also be prepared to "celebrate" all of her weight loss milestones ... It can get really sickening after a while.
Oh and about your question .... I would have gave to the flower fund. You will probably get labeled as "jealous" now. My coworker actually accuses people of NOT knowing how to deal with her as a thin person now. Be prepared!

Answer 8

Because you've also struggled with your weight, I can see why her situation bugs you. You've learned to be very disciplined, and she opted for surgery. I doubt people sent you flowers when you lost weight the old-fashioned way.

That said, gastric bypass is major surgery, and it's life altering. If you don't want to chip in on the flowers, don't. You're not obligated to do that. But you might send her a card wishing her the best, and maybe share one of your favorite healthy recipes.

Answer 9

Before I read the details, I thought it would be about the forced shake-down of employees, but now I see it's different.

You, of course, have lived an exemplary life, have never done anything wrong or unwise, and would be thrilled to know that everyone around you constantly judges everything you do in the harshest possible life.

Try to have a little humanity.

Her flaw isn't yours.

But it's possible she has straights compared to you that compensate.

She may be a compassionate and understanding human being who takes people, flaws and all, as she finds them, and doesn't running around condemning others for not living up to HER standards.

Lazy?

You clearly have NO CLUE as to what you're talking about.

Ignorance does tend to breed hate.

It's not about laziness.

They are not paying or rewarding her for laziness.

I understand where you're coming from; it's an extreme measure for something that SEEMS to be in the person's control.

As I say, I bet there are all sorts of less than perfect things about you.

We all have less than perfect things.

Maybe if you grow up a bit, and grow a heart, you won't be so harsh toward others, whose problems are just different than yours.

Answer 10

No, you are not rude. You just don't see the point in pitching in, I probably wouldn't either. If she were ill, that would be different. Gastric By Pass is an elective surgery. Would you buy her flowers and gifts if she had a face lift? Let them give her their gifts, it's their right just as it's your right not to pitch in.

Answer 11

OK ...you do not want to chip in for her flowers , book and whatever else for her. Then don't.Just tell people that you are going to do something on your own ...get her a cheerful get well card and write her a note hoping she feels well soon and you are done.No body should make you feel guilty because these are your true feelings. But you certainly can send a nice card.