Private Ceremony and Public Reception: Etiquette?

Question

I wanted to have a private wedding (no attendants but the two witnessess necessary and the preacher) then, a traditional reception with cake, announcement of bride and groom, dancing, etc. However, I was recently informed through the Yahoo Answers that people would think that I only wanted gifts, and therefore it would be totally rude. I don't care about gifts, and the only reason for a public reception is to placate all of the people who aren't coming to the ceremony and also to celebrate my union.

So, what is better manners:
1) to not have a reception at all since I want a private ceremony
2) have a reception but make it clear in the invitations that no gifts will be necessary
3) have a "party" but don't call it a wedding reception or treat it as such; just invite over friends/family for a party after we marry (at a private destination)

Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Sweetheart: not everyone on here really knows what they're talking about. It is perfectly acceptable etiquette to have a small, private ceremony with a few guests (or just your witnesses), and then to have a traditional reception. You are not doing anything gauche, rude, or tacky. It is out of line to invite people to the ceremony and not to the reception, but it is perfectly acceptable to invite people to the reception who have not been invited to the ceremony Two separate events. You are entitled to a private ceremony if you choose.

Do not mention gifts in the invitation at all, even to say you don't want them. That is considered rude and presumptuous. People who want to give you a gift will anyway.

There's no need to call your after-the-cermony party anything other than a wedding reception, and no reason not to have the usual invitations, and traditions (introduction as husband and wife, first dance, cake-cutting, bouquet toss, etc.) at the event. Your original idea is perfectly correct. Best wishes.

Answer 2

I say have your private wedding ceremony and have the reception for everyone to celebrate your union. A lot of people would just rather skip the wedding anyway. Omit the part about "no gifts", they are a nice addition to your reception, not to mention traditional. Don't worry about what everyone says, you should have your celebration your way, you are the bride and there is nothing rude or improper about having a reception, people who elope do it all the time as well as couples that get married in a remote location and can't afford to bring everyone aboard. Your guests won't mind, trust me. Good luck for a happy future.

Answer 3

I totally disagree that having a private wedding and a traditional reception is rude. That's what my daughter and her husband did, and people loved it. They had a destination wedding, and two weeks later we had the reception at a B and B near where we lived. Some people dressed casually, especially families with little kids, and those parents appreciated the low key nature of the reception. Our daughter wore her wedding dress, and our son-in-law wore the suit he wore for the wedding. The bridesmaid came, but the best man couldn't make it.
It was much lower stress for the bride and groom. We had a buffet meal and a great wedding cake.
I think you should do what you want. You will be happy you did after the fact.

Answer 4

I dont see anything wrong with having a private ceremony and public reception. Your wedding day is just about you and your soon to be husband, not everyone else. The reception gives everyone else a chance to celebrate with you two. some people are going to bring gifts as well, so I would just send out reception invites with no mention of gifts or otherwise and then sit back and enjoy your special day! Dont worry what people say or think, do what is going to make you happy.

Answer 5

I am sorry that people advised you that having your wedding and reception exactly the way you wanted to have it would be rude, or assume that you just want gifts. I believe it is totally appropriate to have a private ceremony and then a public reception. When you send out invitations, you don't even mention the ceremony, since they won't be invited to it, you say something like "Please join us in celebrating our union" and give the info for the reception. IF YOU WANT to specify no gifts, just say that their presence at the reception is gift enough, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO mention that. People will bring a gift if they want to anyway. It is absolutely appropriate to trest your party as a wedding reception, that is what it is, a celebration of your wedding. People do it all the time, especially at destination weddings. You have the right to have a private ceremony, it will be romantic and beautiful. If you have a videographer, you can show the ceremony at the wedding, like off to the side so that people can view it if they want to, but that is up to you as well. Remember, it is your day, so do it however you want to, so I guess to sum it all up
1. You deserve to have a reception
2. You decide whether or not you want to specify no gifts
3. I would recommend treating it as a wedding reception, after all, that's what it is.

Best wishes!

Answer 6

I recently was invited to a wedding that had limited parking for the wedding site so only a few people were there but the reception had clsoe to 100 and nobody was hurt since they knew that the location was limiting the people at the ceromony. You didn't say why you wanted a private ceromony, that may be the key to the handling of the situation.

Answer 7

You weren't really clear on why you want to have a private ceremony. Most people do it because they don't want a reception. The ceremony is the cheap part of a wedding. It's just strange. If your heart is set on a private ceremony then have a party, on a different weekend, to celebrate. Don't hold it right after the ceremony or anything.

Answer 8

No, no, no. Have your private ceremony and have a reception and do NOT say, no gifts necessary. Let people bring what they want and if you want to register, say, "registered at....." on the invitation. Many people prefer to only go to the reception anyway and NO, you're not offending anyone and NO you're not out of etiquette. Gotta watch these yahoo nuts.

Answer 9

I know a lot of people who have done this.

The wording on the invitations is different. To whoever you want to be at the ceremony AND the reception, send the traditional worded invitation inviting them to the wedding, with the reception at blah blah blah normal stuff.

To the people you are inviting to the reception only:

You are invited to a reception celebrating the marriage of Jim Smith and Jane Jones. Please join us at .............. blah blah blah normal stuff.

While it is NEVER okay to put what you would like for a gift, if you are worried about people thinking you're just jonesing for presents, it is acceptable to include a small notation at the bottom saying "No gifts required" or "No gifts, please" or something like that.

However, most people have known at least one other person who had the private ceremony (or ceremony in another town or country, like with a destination wedding) and a larger reception, and take it like that. The reception is the fun part of the wedding anyway. Because a lot of people DO understand, most people I know would not see it as you trying to get lots of gifts, and would bring one on their own, if there was no mention of it, without having any problem at all.

If you invited many to the ceremony simply because the church was large anyway, but only a few to the reception because it costs more per person to have people at the reception, yeah, THAT's rude, and could be seen as just trying to get lots of presents. Or, inviting people you know would not come (sending 150 invitations to your closest friends and family to join you in Hawaii for your wedding and reception) could be seen that way, too.

But there's nothing rude about having a reception (call it what it is). Just don't make mention of the wedding that they weren't invited to. And, unless you want to, I don't think you have to mention gifts one way or another.

BTW, my aunt and uncle did this. They had the ceremony with just extended family (which, with my family, is freakin huge anyway), then we all went to the reception at another site about an hour later. My aunt was still in her wedding gown, her sister was still in the bridesmaid dress, and my uncle and dad were still in their tuxes. I've never heard anyone suggest it was rude.

All these people in Yahoo!Answers sometimes don't know what they're talking about. In all other aspects, such as making other people pay A LOT of money to fly to wherever their little heart desires to get married, or to pay for outlandishly priced bridesmaid dresses, shoes, hairstyles, etc., they will staunchly defend their right to do whatever the hell they want because it's THEIR SPECIAL DAY! These people are hypocrites if they tell you it's rude for you to want a small ceremony and a larger reception that IS a wedding reception, because ya know what? It's YOUR SPECIAL DAY, and THAT is not nearly as rude as some of the other crap these people think they have the right to do.

Answer 10

Just have a quiet dinner with your guy after, if you just are adamant about having no one else there to witness your vows. The purpose of a reception is to have those people who attended your ceremony, to celebrate with you! If they are not invited to the ceremony, then they don't get invited to the reception.
You are making your choices here, so you just have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. You are just wanting to be off in your little world, so just be happy with that!
Congrats and good luck.