Getting married in 4 days. No help from attendants. I don't want to be a "Bridezilla", but what can I do? HELP

Question

My fiance's sister is one on my Matrons of Honor (because he wants her in the wedding). My daughter-in-law s the other one. Finace's daughter is Maid of Honor. Not one of these gals has even offered to help. Daughter moved to Arizona to live with grandma, Daughter-in-law made favors and I only talk to her when I call her, and Fiance's sister won't even let me see he bouquet! I made all the other bouquets, but hers. I let the girls buy their own dresses. They had the colors and got to choose whatever they wanted. That worked out pretty well, the dresses are lovely with wonderful colors. But I can't get these women to do anything. They just want to be there to look pretty with no responsibilities. I can't un-invite them as much as I'd like to. You guys always suggest don't do it all yourself, but what am I supposed to do? I sat down last night and cried for no reason. I'm not a young bride, I'm 49. The best man bowed out at the last minute, I'm really getting frustrated. Advice Please!

Our groomsman says he doesn't have the money for a tux, so I relented and said he could get by with black jeans and a white shirt, even though my girls (including his wife, my MOH is wearing a formal). The problem is all with fiance's family. He's as frustrated as I am, but it's too late to make changes. I wanted to thank my ladies for their presence at my wedding, but I also want to let them know what I think. Fiance' thinks I am out of line, that I shouldn't say anything to them. I just wanted to let them know that being an attendant means more than just standing there and looking pretty and showing off. Am I out of line? I'm not trying to be petty, but I feel that the people I need to depend on are letting me down. I work a full-time job and have to do some of my bridal things while on the job. (I have a great boss) I'm sorry for venting, I'll just be glad when it's over and they leave. I appreciate all of your comments and opinions whether I agree with them or not. Any input helps

Just a last minute note in response to a comment. I did ALL of the planning myself. I've done ALL of the flowers (except for the one MOH bouquet, which she wanted to do her own).
All I'm asking is just a little helping hand. As I said, I work a fulltime job, as many other brides do, and 2 of the 4 girls don't work at all. They have time to help. I'm not asking them to build an Arc.

Ok. I get it. I'm not asking for anyone to be a wedding planner.(I did that). I'm not asking anyone to run errands. (I do that). Maybe I don't know what I want. I may be just getting the pre-wedding jitters. But I do feel my ladies are not in this for me and my fiance". They seem to be in it for themselves. Anyway, thanks for the input and to those of you who want to be catty with your comments....as I said, I'm not a young bride and I do have feelings....I thank you as well.

Answer 1

I'm moh for my best friend getting married sat also. As moh it is her place to help the bride. My best friend's family hasn't done anything to help her at all. I find this very sad.Get married and after all is said and done give them a piece of your mind!I wish you much happiness and hope you relax and enjoy your wedding.As long as your future hubby shows up try not to worry about anything else. Hugs:)

Answer 2

Your problem is . . you asked the wrong people. An attendant is supposed to be supportive, responsible, and helpful. If these people haven't helped you by now, they certainly are not going to help you on your wedding day when you need it the most. They will be in the bar socializing with their friends or talking with the DJ or combing their hair while you're trying to find your handbag.

And even though it is too late now you should have spelled out what you wanted them to do, whether they live ten minutes away or 100 miles away, right from the beginning. It's called designating.

Everyone of these ladies should have been given at least one job or task (help address invitations, oversee the RSVP list, make sure everyone has purchased their dress and had it altered, helped out of town guests with lodging, etc.)

If you didn't tell them how they could help you then they just assumed "you didn't want or need any help." As you said earlier, "I've done everything." So it is possible you gave them the message . . I don't need your help.

Also, it is not a good idea to let one of the gentlemen wear jeans or black slacks because he cannot afford to rent a tuxedo. It is not fair to all of the other attendants who did pay for their wedding attire. When someone accepts a role to participate in a wedding then they are accepting the responsibilities that go with it, namely renting a tuxedo. You think you are stressed now, wait until you see your wedding photos with this gentleman dressed in jeans, oh boy, are you going to be upset! Tell this man he has to rent a tuxedo.

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant

Answer 3

OK...take a deep breath....do some stretch exercises...& try to be as calm as possible. You don't want any stress to be reflective on you on your big day! First things first, your bridal party especially your MOH's, should be there to assist you in any way. They are there to help your day go smoothly because it is Your big day! If they don't do the right thing by asking you how they can help, then you should approach them, but not as bridezilla, more as the stressed out bride. Mention you have a full plate & seing as how you are the bride, there are some things you may not be able to get to & need their help. (hopefully this is the part where they chime in & say no prob! what can i do?) give them a list of what needs to get done & ask them to choose from that list. If they're still not stepping up to the plate, then you'll have to assign duties. i.e..."as my wedding party, i'll really need your help these next few days leading to the wedding...MOH, can you please help me with this...BM, how about this? etc...It seems rude on their part to be in your wedding but not assist in any way. Remember, no matter how much planning, or help you get, something will always go wrong. It can be minor or it can be major, this is where you hope your wedding party will help avoid the major mishaps. In this case, don't let the WP be your major mishap. You don't want to stress, cry or worry especially on your wedding day. Good Luck & Congrats!

Answer 4

I asked my MOH and bridesmaids to be attendants simply because we wanted their emotional support, and to honour us by standing up for us at the wedding. We did not ask them to WORK. Us, and our family members did the planning, organizing, and things that needed to be done. We had about eight months to plan a wedding we were hosting for 200, and it was a lot of work, but we did it.
Our attendants pretty much did just have to show up, and support us. My MOH held my bouquet and fluffed my train. Signed as a witness. That was it. The rest of the time, the attendants were just 'there' for us.
Somehow, you have had such unreasonable expectations. Maybe at 49, this was just not the style of wedding you should have gone with...
But good luck. Do some yoga.

Answer 5

Good grief -- you're 49 -- get a grip already... I'm guessing this isn't your first wedding, so it shouldn't involve a whole bunch of unnecessary hoopla associated with first time brides. Also, by age 49, you should have developed some time management and multi-tasking skills. Why do you need so much help -- are you incapable of doing stuff on your own??? And a last thought -- you could have accomplished something in the time it took you to write out your question! Get over yourself and grow up!

OH I see by your previous question that this is wedding number 3 for you -- I would hope that by a third wedding, you'd know what to do instead of wanting your hand held....

Answer 6

Your problem is YOUR choice of Matron of honor and bridesmaids. As a bride, YOU bear the responsibility to select a matron of honor and bridesmaid who are dependable so that they "may" assist you with some details.
YOU are suppose to select a sister or a very close friend and YOU failed to do this so quit whinning. Read the 1st and 2nd line of this from the National Assoc. of Wedding Ministries: http://www.aweddingministers.com/wedding/attendants_responsibilities.htm
There is no excuse for this groomsman to not be dressed in a tux. When you ask people to stand up, YOU and fiance are suppose to inform them of their financial obligations. The best thing you can do now is to either hire a wedding specialist to assist you, or get help from a close friend, or calm yourself, accept responsibility and quit blaming, calm down and try to do the best you can.

Answer 7

I would definately say stop relying on them. Do you have friends who could help you?

I chose my sisters and my sister-in-law as my bridesmaids, and my two best friends (not bridesmaids) ended up doing most of the traditional MOH kind of things. They didn't mind, because something similar happened with each of them, and I did a lot of the MOH stuff.

Yes, it would be nice if the bridesmaids and maid of honor lived up to their title, but since it doesn't look like that's going to happen, see if any friends can help you. If they do, find a way to honor or show appreciation for them as well.

If not, sit down and talk to your fiancee. At the very least, he can help, or he can try to gently, tactfully "encourage" his daughter and sister to help out, because you are becoming emotionally strained.

My dad did have this talk with me and my sisters when he remarried. It had honestly not occurred to us that she needed our help that much.

Considering that you are joining the family, and this can be enough of a problem without adding wedding stress and blame, I would not confront them and "tell them what you think". This is one day. I know it's a special day, but it is still ONE day out of the rest of your lives together. Spouting off out of stress and annoyance can cause more harm than good at this point, because even though it's one day and you're (rightfully) hurt, it can be a MAJOR block in your ability to forge a strong semi-family relationship, and this is ESPECIALLY important with his daughter.

Answer 8

The predominant factor I will say is at your marriage ceremony AND reception, be certain to take a couple of mins with JUST you and your partner and seem round. Take in each person having a laugh, who all is there, the atmosphere, the track, the meals, the whole lot approximately it (on the marriage ceremony simply attempt to get a well seem round at each person... its just a little extra tricky there, however check out). Too many newlyweds get performed with one of the vital busiest days in their lives and do not don't forget any of it since IT ALL GOES SO FAST!!! Do it and you are going to be pleased you probably did. Other than that, ensure each person has their robes, gets to check out at the tuxes, cake individual is well, DJ is ready, corridor is well, reverend or whoever is conduting the marriage ceremony is all set, WEDDING LICENSE, journey plans are well (each to and from marriage ceremony, but in addition for items after which any honeymoon journey plans) be capable to have a few snacks and drinks anywhere the women are becoming competent, the marriage ceremony get dressed will take longer than you suppose to get on, and benefit from the day. Congrats and well good fortune

Answer 9

I'm trying to be gentle here because you are clearly very frustrated, but what, exactly, my dear, are you expecting them to do? When they signed on to be part of your wedding party, they did not sign on to be your personal maids and wedding planners. What did you ask them to do when you asked them to be in your wedding? If all you asked them to do was be in your wedding, then I'd say that's what they're doing. If you asked them to help you plan the wedding, make favors, bouquets, run errands and take care of details, and they're not doing it, then perhaps you have something to be upset about. But if you did not ask these things up front, then I don't think you can expect them now. You may now nicely ask for help if you need it, but unless that was expressly part of the original agreement, I don't think you can blame them now. Best wishes. Take deep breaths, figure out specifically what you need help with, and kindly ask for it.

Answer 10

The moral of the story is if you want it done, do it yourself. You cannot depend on your bridal party to help. Sometimes the bridal party is very helpful, but most of the time, they don't want any part of the preparation. So, if you want to be a happy bride, chuck it up, forget the resentment, and count on yourself to get thing done the way you want.