Manners Question - How to instill basic manners as a parent?

Question

I am the parent of an 11 year old daughter who is smart, well liked in school, etc. But no matter how much we remind her, ground her, take things from her, etc., it is like pulling teeth to get her to say hello, please and thank you to people - just basic, simple manners. I've seen questions here about teaching manners in school and my comment to that is 'if parents are banging their heads agains the wall trying to enforce manners, but other adults (i.e. teachers) aren't doing the same, how do they learn. Does anyone have any suggestions and/or tried & true methods?

Answer 1

Grounding her, taking things from her etc is not going to teach her manners. How do children learn? DUH by watching their parents. What are YOU teaching her about manners? Do YOU say please and thank you in your home? If you want her to do something do you ASK her and do you say Please and thank you or do you ORDER her to do it? Did you teach her please and thank you when she was a small child? If she minded you did you say "thank you" or was it just expected that she would mind you? The first and most important teachers of a child's life are their parents. If she is lacking in social graces it is more than likely she didn't see any in the home as a small child.

Answer 2

Are her other manners (table manners, etc.) just fine? If so, then maybe the problem is not a problem with her manners, but perhaps she's shy? That was my first thought.

If you're sure she's not shy, then the best way to get children to exhibit any behavior is to model the behavior yourself. If you, as her parents, always say please and thank you to everyone, and she sees you doing this, then she will start behaving like you.

Perhaps she just doesn't see the point in saying hello, thank you, and please. Maybe you could just sit down and have a kind, pleasant talk with her, to explain that you use these words to interact with people, and it just helps things go more smoothly.

A discussion with her about what exactly the words mean might be beneficial. If you're just supposed to blindly do a certain thing or else you'll get punished, without understanding why you're supposed to do it, it's just more difficult. Explaining that hello is a greeting, and lets the other person know that you're happy to see them, and that please shows that you really want something, and that thank you means you're really happy that you got something might go a long way.

Have you ever asked her why she won't use polite words? Maybe her answers would help you to figure out a way to help with the situation.

I'm obviously no expert. Good luck!

Answer 3

No such thing as a "tried and true' method when it comes to raising kids....I am sure you already know. If she is well liked, that suggests she fits into 'normal' social patterns at school and you can feel relieved at that. Besides constant prodding, (which it sounds like you are already doing) the very best method for teaching your children is modeling.

I am in no way suggesting that you do not have good manners, but I want you to look at your actions and maybe even exaggerate them for her sake. For instance, "Good morning, Mrs. so and so" to everyone you pass, or an elaborate thank you to the waitress who brings your iced tea. Your child is absorbing your behavior much faster than she is listening to your advice, scolds, lessons and punishments. I am sure you are a mannered person, so this is just an effort to exaggerate what you are already doing.

Also, a good indicator of her manners is observe the bahavior of the parents of her friends. Do they seem to relate to her? That could mean they find her engaging, polite or appropriate in their company. I know in my case, I don't invite rude children over to play more than once. If they are ill mannered or inappropriate, they mother will not get another invitation for a playdate from me for a while. If your daughter is rude outside of your supervision, you can bet the other parents wouldn't tolerate it. So, maybe she's just asserting her independence in front of you and not other adults....

Answer 4

We have been teaching our son manners since he first started talking. He's 5 now. Most of the time he does use them, other times he "forgets". We just remind him to use his manners. He does well for awhile then he needs to be reminded again. My step-sons are 19 and 21 and sometimes they need reminding about manners. Good luck.

Answer 5

That's a tough one. Many kids just don't have the awareness to master social grace. I honestly don't think I even tried until I was going to college.

Model the behavior you want to see, and try to explain how small courtesies can make a big difference in how people see you and treat you, even. Also try to teach empathy, talk a lot about how others feel. It may not sink in for a while but when she gets older, she'll remember. You're now programming the little voice that will play in her head as she grows.

Answer 6

Well as others have stated...surround her by polite people as well. Maybe being a bit over the top for awhile....you can use please and thank you everytime "you" ask or receive.

The other great way is a series of books by the "American Girl" collection. My mother actually bought them for my 11yr. old daughter. They are GREAT! They are written in a way that girls this age enjoy. They have so many of them for every situation. Feelings, Manners, Care and Keeping, Sticky Situations, Boys, and many more. It's worth a shot.

( I would try to search ebay-or other used books stores for them..they are a bit pricey...around $9.00 per book) ..once you get 1 you'll want them all :)

Good Luck to you and your daughter~!

Answer 7

First of all don't blame teachers and "other adults" for your parenting mistakes. It is not the teachers responsibility to teach your child manners. I would imagine that you do not show your daughter the respect that you are demanding of her. If you use your manners than she will follow your lead.

Answer 8

How do you know teachers aren't doing the same??? I teach manners in my kindergarten- and we role play to teach.

Our son has autism...and to teach speaking in public- we role played at home. We practice shaking hands, how to order in a restaurant, how to ask for help, etc. We also model it. Right now, we are working on making eye contact when he speaks to others.

Try role playing- it's fun and it works!

Answer 9

Well the hello our daughter is a little shy to make that first hello, usually someone else has to say it, same with goodbye, is your daughter shy?

Please and thankyous what we did is when she says she wants this or that, we tell her....If you ask the right way then you can have it....we did it so often it's just nature for her to do it now

Answer 10

Hmmm thats strange, did she ever say it when she was a toddler??? maybe you can try not giving her somehitng till she says please, and if she doesnt say thankyou for somehting take it away, even if it something that someone else gave her, she should get the hint after awhile, i'm alittle stumped on what to suggest for greeting people, my 2 and 5 year old say thank you and please most of the time, but my little one doesnt greet people at all because she is so shy, I won't force her too. one of thier first words were thank you, i think its important to get them in the habbit youngt. I notice when they around people they never saw its hard for them to say please and thank you, i just keep reminding them to say it when this happens. good luck!!!