Getting married before the wedding..?

Question

My fiance and I are getting married in Oct but have been thinking lately that we want something more private. I've heard of people going to the courthouse to get married and having a ceremony and reception on a decided date. Is this a good idea to make things more memorable? Would I have to tell friends/family or could we leave them in the dark and have a "do-over" later on? How will the wedding invites have to be changed around (as I'm mailing those in August), if at all? Just interested in other peoples thoughts. Thanks!

Just another bit here.. Neither of us are religious AT ALL. We also don't hold to common beliefs. We've been together for 5 years and have been living together for 2. This has nothing to do with us being "able" to move in together. We are also very spontaneous.
Also when I say "re-do" I mean it to be more formal. Have our personal hooplah together and enjoy it. It's going to be very difficult to keep the peace between my families and feel that our happiness shouldn't have to suffer. While we are certainly planning on pleaseing the families (have already made reservations at places) we wanted something more personal to share. I don't want to look back at this day and realize I didn't spend a minute of it with the man I love. I've heard that it's not much of a celebration until the honeymoon.. and that is something we aren't doing.

Answer 1

It is totally up to you. You can have the big ceremony and reception and get legally married beforehand, and not tell anyone, or you can have a private ceremony and tell people and invite them to a vow renewal. If you choose not to tell people, the only ones that have to know are you and the officiants. The only difference will be that the marriage license was signed by the officiant the first time, so the second time, there will be no license to sign. Otherwise, the ceremony can be the same. We have performed ceremonies like this, it isn't unusual, and it is up to you how oyu want to go about it. Best wishes.

Answer 2

The only "memorable" thing about this concept is that you and your fiance will be "frauds". Frauding is exactly what you'll be doing if you first get married in a courthouse, then deceive everyone into thinking they're attending the real deal later on at the church (of all places). Why don't you just try the honest way of having your private ceremony somewhere and then send out invitations for a "reception only." If you already have pre-printed, then I'm sure you can have something inserted into the invitations indicating that there has been a change of plans and that the bride and groom have chosen to do a private ceremony but are still holding their reception as planned.

Answer 3

Hey there, congrats!

I'm getting married in Oct. '08, and am in the planning stages now (we're waiting until next year in order to celebrate our 15 years together with a big party). We are thinking of saying our vows at the courthouse on the 12th (our anniv.), then having our party/reception on Halloween.

If we do go this route, I will be wording the invites with the announcement of our marriage, leading into the invite for a "reception to celebrate our union", something like that - so that people understand it's not the ceremony, but the reception itself.

Another thing we're considering is keeping the marriage a surprise, then springing it on everyone at the party (people have been on us to do this for years, but we met at 18 and wanted to go to college and establish our careers first, so they're definitely going to freak out). If we choose this option instead, then the invites will be for a "party", with no mention of the marriage or a reception.

As per your question, it's a great way to make things more memorable! After we say our courthouse vows, we'll probably do something really fun, like Disneyland or a romantic dinner in the city, but then we'll also have our big party to look forward to as well. For me, it's going to be about extending the joy of the occasion for as long as I can. We waited many years for this!

Best wishes for a great wedding and marriage :o)

Answer 4

You can't have a seceret wedding at the courthouse then act like the big white one is the actual wedding. You can do it that way, but you should tell people about the "elopement" and that you will just be having a reception. Honestly though, unless there were special circumstances like your husband was in the military and was getting deployed so you COULDN'T have the white wedding I would just see it as a gift grab after it comes out you secretly married beforehand. Vow renewals happen all the time...but not in the same year as the marriage unless there are really special circumstances.

Pick one or the other. small or big

Answer 5

Yes you can do that.. There is nothing wrong with it.. i have seen it done more than once..

If you want something that is just simple and meaning full for you two then do it.. if you still want to have the wedding and reception for your friends and family to attend then have it.. Word everything the same as you would be having the original one.. Nothign different unless youwant different..

or you could just have a big reception party.. My best friend did this. She and her hubby got married at the JP and then they went and had a big huge reception.. It was lovely..

Answer 6

Bravo Casper4! you have given the appropriate answer to this question i've got ever heard. <> a marriage is a ceremony the place 2 single all human beings is stated married. it is not a ceremony the place 2 married all human beings is stated married. on the time you have been stated legally married, THAT became your wedding ceremony. no count number what you have been donning, and so on. as stated above.

Answer 7

If you're going to get married at the courthouse, then you shouldn't call the second celebration a wedding...It will really just be a renewal of your vows. Please don't try to dupe your guests into believing that they are watching the ceremony - it's an insult to their intelligence.

It is not uncommon at all for couples to get married at the courthouse, but then celebrate with their friends & family later...It's just that this is best done as a reception only, without the "fake" ceremony.

My suggestion is to wait. Your loved ones are probably really looking forward to seeing you get married, and it's only another couple of months.

Answer 8

It is absolutely terrible etiquette to get married before having a wedding and not tell the guests. If you decide to get married in the courthouse and have a reception at a later date, ast be honest about it. Send your reception invitations saying that you have tied the knot and are now hosting a reception to celebrate. Guests will be a lot more happy to congratulate you if you're open about the situation. If they find out later that the wedding they witnessed wasn't a real wedding they'll probably think you're rude.

Answer 9

We did this and no one knows. We have our date scheduled but we did because of insurance. he became sick and got laid off from his company and had no benefits. We discussed it and did this only for that reason. We said we will not celebrate it. We actually got really lucky and got a commissioner that performed the ceremony without going through the whole thing. We did not want to recite our vows or make it feel like our wedding. It depends on the reason. We still do not call each other husband and wife. He knows how important the actual wedding is to me and we want to keep it that way. After we were at the county recorders and I witnessed civil ceremonies I realized that I would not be satisfied with that. It is very impersonal and makes you feel like you are in line at the DMV. Not my style.

Answer 10

I think that it's not a bad idea especially if you have personal reasons for doing so. I have heard of people doing so. You don't have to let your guests know if you don't want to. You can tell your family if you want to but it's not a must. I would not change anything on the invites. Do them as you would have before.