Is it better not to ask relatives about recently deceased loved ones and if they are allright ?

Question

There have been two deaths in the last year since I have seen these relatives and we are having the usual every two year re-union . Typically I only talk to them at these get togethers and don't want to upset them . Is it better to not bring up the subject and wait if they do ? Or is it part of the healing process to talk about it ? I have only had relatives pass away when I was a little boy so I am not to keen on what is appropriate behavior . Is it taboo to bring up the topic ? These were very important people in our family. I just want to be as kind as I possibly can be yet I want to let them know that I care without putting my foot in my mouth . Does anyone have suggestions that may help everyone involved ? Both people that passed away are an Uncle ( my Dad's brother ) and my aunt ( my Dad's other brother's wife ) I am 49 and feel I should know better so that is why I am asking about this because I appreciate other people's opinions .
Please help me if you can . Thank you .

Answer 1

My sympathies. :-(

I'd let them bring it up, having been there myself. And listen.

Answer 2

If you're 49, that makes the other people involved at least around 20 years older. Even though they're still relatively young (in my opinion), I'm sure they're far more accustomed to losing loved ones and acquaintances than you may think. In that respect, I think it's okay to ask how they're doing. My family has some friends whose father just passed away this year. They lost their mother a couple of years earlier. Whenever we visit them, my parents (who are your age) will bring up their parents in conversation in really positive ways. "So and so would have loved this party- everyone's here and having so much fun." "Your mom was always the loudest and the happiest." That sorta thing. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but it let them know that we're thinking of them too. It usually opens the door for the people who lost the loved ones to share a funny story.

I guess each family deals with loss differently, but I think it would be nice to recognize the family members in small ways like that, especially during a reunion. If it makes people uncomfortable, you'll figure it out quickly and know to move on. :)

Answer 3

It would be rude to ignore the fact that these people have lost someone they loved. During the grieving period, there are times when a person needs to talk about the loss; other times it's very painful to do so. Either way, you should say how sorry you were to hear of the death. Then mention one or two special things you liked so much about the person (how kind they were, what a good cook, the time you went fishing together, the funny stories they told). That opens the door for the family member to talk more if they want and it lets them know their loved one's life is validated and was appreciated by you.

Answer 4

People WANT to talk about their departed love ones ~ they want the assurance that these people have not been forgotten.

If you haven't seen these relatives since their loved ones have passed away, it's best to express your condolences first (a "I'm so sorry about Uncle Jim" and a hug is sufficient) and then share a funny or inspirational story about Uncle Jim that you think the relative would appreciate hearing. You'll see some tears, but the gratitude will just shine on their faces.

Answer 5

First, if you have yet to acknowledge the death, bring it up at an appropriate time. Simply say that you are sorry for their loss and that the other person will be missed greatly in your life. That is the respectful thing to do.

If you haven't, but REALLY CARE about whether or not the person is doing okay, then ask an open ended question, but don't directly bring up their loss. I would say something like, "so are you holding up okay?". That will direct them more towards to conversation that you are trying to have, if they want to have it, than saying, "how are you?".

Answer 6

i always bring it up. you are not 'reminding ' them of someone they have forgotten. chances are, the deceased loved ones are probably missed every day. my mother passed three years ago and hundreds attended her memorial. we are from a huge family and have been in our small town for generations. i was stoic while recieving guests and was grateful and pleased to see all of the loved ones.
but one lady walked up to greet me and before she said a word, i just lost it. she was a dear close friend of my mothers when i was in grade school. i remember countless days playing in her yard with her children while our mothers had coffee. it's choking me up now. i ran into marion recently at the pharmacy and again she said she misses my mother so much and she has kept the memorial leaflet (or whatever it's called). and she doesn't usually keep them.
that meant so much to me, because three years is a long time and it's nice to know that i'm not the only one feeling the void.

my granndmother on the other hand has mentioned that everybody seems to have forgotten grandpa. he passed in '94 or '95 and she said after the first year, people don't mention him much anymore. like he never existed. she thinks about him everyday and i knowshe feels alone. i try to tell stories about him whenever i see her. and i talk about my mom with her even though it kills grandma to come to my house. my mother was her firstborn.

Answer 7

Sadly, people do feel that not mentioning things is the right thing to do, but I really feel it isn't having been in that situation myself. I believe it help's people to talk about their departed loved ones. Even if you are just there to listen. I just say now, "How are you coping"? That way if they want to talk they can and if they don't they will usually just say o.k. end on conversation. But DO try. You can feel very alone when someone has passed and it does often help, just to have someone to talk to.

Answer 8

You can always ask them about the loved one that has died. And if they wish to speak about them they will, if not they will not. I do not think your question would be considered rude or out of place. Simply genuine concern. And talking about the ones that have died can be a very helpful part of the healing process, keeping their memory alive. God bless****

Answer 9

I had an analogous difficulty w/my mom. i became in FL. whilst she surpassed directly to the excellent beyond in GA. My mom became my appropriate pal. I talked to her ordinary. There are nonetheless situations that I attain for the telephone to call her. Her dying became unpredicted to us, whether, in my coronary heart I knew she knew that her time in the international became up. We knew she became unwell yet she in no way let us know how undesirable it incredibly became. She hid the Dr. expenses that had diagnosis on them. I in no way have been given to declare stable bye to her and to on the present time I nonetheless have not and this is been 4 yrs on Feb. twenty 9th. sure, it quite is bounce 300 and sixty 5 days. day. i think like she took a bounce of religion. I nonetheless consult along with her as quickly as I actually have a subject because of the fact i understand she will teach the appropriate course to take. i can not say stable bye to somebody that i understand i visit confirm lower back. My mom is often in my coronary heart as your husbands father will continually be in his coronary heart. i'm so sorry to hearken to on the subject of the loss because of the fact i will relate so properly. I wish you & your husband the appropriate of success. it is merely an aside that i desired to share because of the fact it made me experience stable. whilst the preacher became preaching at my mothers funeral, he stated that a casket is a container that holds all of God's treasures. I had in no way theory-approximately it like that. For some reason it gave me a convenience.

Answer 10

Yes it's appropriate to ask how the bereft widow is feeling these days. Don't dwell on the fact that Uncle Max died - but do ask Auntie if she's doing OK.

IF you have a particularly nice vignette you can share about Auntie Matilda then share it. Otherwise, smile and promise (For real, please) to keep them in your prayers.

And if you promise to keep in touch - please do it.

Answer 11

I like people to let me know they still remember my husband.
I sure don't like them acting as if he never existed.
At least mention the name, as, say I miss seeing-------here.
How have you been doing? Show that you care.
Then let it go and if they want to talk that is good and very healing.