Help with family stuff?

Question

I need suggestions on how to get my brother out of a horrible relationship. He is living with his gf who has been on so many antidepressant drugs (lexapro right now). She is on and off them. She takes pain drugs and everything else she can get a prescription for, drinks lots. She's not really crazy enough to need those drugs. She just sits on the couch during the day. She can function just fine but will not take care of her 4 kids (16,12,8,4). He has taken it upon himself to take care of them all (gf is 35 he is 30). She is always threatening to kill herself if he were "to leave", and has hit him before. When we talk to him about it he kinda breaks down maybe a tear or two. We want her out of his life because she is toxic.. she has ruined any self esteem that he did have and ruined any self-confidence that he had. Its just bad all around... How can we get him out forever.... They have been together for almost 4 yrs now. HELP US!

Answer 1

She is using emotional black mail to keep him in the relationship. Plus I am sure he loves those kids and worries about there well being. I feel for you and your brother.
My son went thru the same thing and is now raising his son on his own.
Your brother is the one that needs to decide on what route to take in his life. I wish I had a Wise answer for you.
But your brother hopefully will eventually get tired of all her crap and pack up and move on with his life.
In the mean time be strong for your brother and always have a shoulder for him to lean on.

~faith

Answer 2

while I am sure you love your brother, you cannot live his life or make his decisions..they are his to live and make.

The woman is sitting on the couch all day because she has severe clinical depression which robs you of all motivation and sadly most people do not realize for some people the antidepressants that are supposed to help you often make you more depressed and suicidal. Studies of depressed Ppeople showed those on SSRI antidepressants committed suicide more. Get them to read the books by peter breggin such as toxic psychiatry and drugs may be your problem.
This was covered up for years by the drug companies and now the FDA puts a black box warning on them..some people might get better on antidepressant drugs, but some definitely get worst.

I know the hell of depression and would not wish it on my worst enemy so perhaps some empathy for the girl and her children is in order. I was also suicidal for 15 years every day and am only here by God's grace while I was on 14 antidepressants through those years that the doctors put me on..the minute I stopped them all and refused to take them, all suicidal ideation left and never returned though it has been several years and I have went through many hardships in life so the antidepressants may be making her worst, first of all.

Pain drugs can be addicting and that is not good, but if she is on them she apparently has bad pain and again how about a little empathy. If you can get your brother to convince her to try alternative health and stop these prescriptions that have so many dangerous side effects, that might help. It is much less toxic and more effective in the long run as it treats causes and not symptoms and does not create new symptoms leaving them true hope of getting better.

There are some things she needs counseling for--the hitting him and the alcohol use. This is not acceptable even though likely caused by emotional problems. He must be convinced to get her into treatment as these are not good things and she needs counseling to stop them and maybe a support group with others having the same problem/s..

Think about what his leaving will do for the children he has grown to love..their lives will be so much worst. They need him. Sometimes suffering is worth it when good is coming from it (as he is suffering but the suffering is helping these children whose lives and futures are going to be so much better because your brother is in their lives..their future spouses and children's lives are going to be better as well and this is thus helping the world...this has meaning and purpose when you affect tthe lives of 4 children outreaching into their future and those they come into contact with. Perhaps he can even help the women if he takes on an empathetic but firm leadership role.

I feel looking at her as a sick person is better than judging her. Perhaps have a family intervention where you and your family come across to the two of them as caring and helpful and getting them to get on board with alternative health, stopping of dangerous drugs, substituting health building herbs and foods and exercise etc and counseling for the alcohol abuse and DV and offering your aid and being firm and yet compassionate will help give him tools he needs to help her and improve both their lives instead of remaining stagnant and thus give her a chance to conquer her problems, give the children good examples to follow and improve life; this would be a kinder and more helpful way of helping your brother that he will be more open to rather than possibly be resentful of or resistant to..push too hard and you may lose him.

He wants her and the kids in his life and it is up to you if you love him to love her and his taken on kids too and to help this family get better. It is a more humane and loving solution and if it does not work remember sometimes we have to accept things we cannot change..Get you and family members to kindly and lovingly set down and try to help solve their problems by the above suggestions..talk to them about the improvement this will bring to all their lives and especially the kids..do not come across as judgmental but loving and in order to do that spend some time praying for compassion and God's view of these children and this woman and give your brother some respect and remember many of these things are due to the drugs from the doctors and the illnesses and be more kind about it.

If he is able to have a plan and can get her to gradually do this plan this and improve all their lives this will greatly rebuild his self confidence, esteem, and confidence and make him feel manly and responsible and be good for this family in crisis.

If after your intervention, he and she do not try to get help, then you may have to limit your contact or reevaluate what you want o do. good luck and I am sorry that this happened. Keep up your faith and pray that God will help.

Depression is a horrible illness and not under a person's control..it is not a character flaw..it is a malfunction of the brain an organ..

This was probably not the answer you wanted to hear but it is a kind solution and one that will not cause resentment as much with your brother and drive him more to her..he feels a responsibility to her and her children and this shows he is a good man. Be proud of him for being willing to suffer for a good cause. If you are supportive of what he is trying to do, it will help him endure better.