why are there are all of these childless couples in the U.S who only want to adopt a healthily newborn?

Question

I'm always coming across ad's & such that are advertisements for these "loving couples" who are willing to adopt a baby. My question(s) are...
1.) If you want to be a parent so bad then why are you so picky. (Healthy newborns?)
2.) Why do you only want a newborn, there are plenty of older children who need the love of parents too?
Most white couples want only a HEALTHILY WHITE NEWBORN, it makes me ill.
I feel that if you have a undying need to become a parent it should not matter what "type" of child you become a parent too as long as you get to become parents. Babies or should I say children in general are not puppies at a pound to be picked over & the cutest one taken home.

as far as GPTList remark about people not wanting a unhealthy baby goes... what do you think a excpecting couple who want only a health baby should do if they find out the baby has a birth defect. Should they abort? Should they give it away? (Oh,wait they can't do that, nobody wants a unhealthy baby) Or should they just keep it & make the best out of there blessing??

to AH2911 ~ are you saying that it's Ok to decide if you want a sick baby or not (because you are adopting?) As a mother I think you should love you children no matter what. Adoptive parent handle a sick child different than biological parent do? Since when & why? Biological parent don't get to fill out papers & hand pick there kids. What next? Recalls or return slips for defective babies??? Take what you get & be grateful.

Answer 1

I can see this from both sides.

As someone who adopted three older, special-needs children, it was a very difficult route to take.

On the other hand, people TRULY are too picky about the "healthy white newborn" business. Even birth children may have a little color difference, a birth defect, a health problem, or be premature. If people want to be parents, they really should be willing to take some bad with the good. That's what being a parent is all about!!

Answer 2

What parent wants a sickly child? If you can afford all the medical bills, sure, why not? Most parents, can't. A lot of children, even healthy infants develop problems down the road, there's no perfect child.

As for white people wanting white children, if I were to adopt, I'd want a white child. Why? Because it sucks for a lot of kids who are completely out of sorts color wise in their family, then they have to explain it, etc. unless their parents continue to adopt internationally. Believe me, I have friends that were internationally adopted and they hated being the "asian" kid in the house or the "black" kid in the house. Some don't care and that's great.

Oh and lets add in the other races here, how many black parents adopt white kids or asian kids? How many Asian parent adopt white or black kids? Seriously. Find me a statistic that shows it's only whites that are particular.

Newborns give adoptive parents the ability to raise them from infancy, the parts they miss if they adopt an older child. Some couples do the infant first and don't mind a bit of an older child down the road.

The world is not perfect and all accepting as you may be. Don't judge everyone for wanting a somewhat healthy child who "blends" into their families. It's not a "pretty child" over an "ugly" child, it's, I'm spending 30K and can't afford massive medical bills right off the bat.

Answer 3

It seems odd yet somehow, at least in some cases, understandable. For a while there, several years back, people were having their adopted children taken away when the mothers changed their minds or the fathers suddenly came out of the woodwork denying any previous knowledge about the child and demanding to have it. The courts found in favor of the biological parents and the children were taken from their homes. Additionally, with so much drug abuse, people are afraid of what kind of problems they will end up with, "potentially damaged" children. People of whatever race are not always allowed to adopt children that do not at least resemble their race because some genius has determined that it's not healthy for the child. Like having no parents is! And some are simply shallow and refuse to have anything that will not resemble a "perfect family" as they perceive one should be. This is why people of better means adopt children from overseas, they're not as likely to be held to the same standards as they are at home and it makes their process of adoption easier.

Sadly it's the unwanted children in this country (U.S.A.) that suffer the consequences of not feeling loved or taught right from wrong and they end up as another component of our social epidemic.

On a very personal note, my husband and I haven't and will not be able to have children. Although I have never wanted to have children myself, my husband was very eager to be a dad and I said that I'd do it but it never happened for us. When we started to realize that we would not be able to have children ourselves, we discussed adoption. This was around the time that all these biological parenst were taking the children back and it was all over the news. Out of fear of having a child ripped away from us, we opted to leave it alone. The truth is that I don't believe that I have a single maternal instinct which is why I never wanted children. That said, if we had adopted and they tried to take the child from us, there's no telling what I would have been capable of not to have my child taken away. The fact is that mothers and fathers are those who make themselves mothers and fathers by their actions, not those who conceive and birth. If this was the case, no child would be unwanted.

Answer 4

Wow, so many questions here. First, if you have your own baby and you have health coverage, you are not paying thousands of dollars just to adopt a child. So, right there, maybe people feel they have a right to be "pickey" because they have had to squrimp and save every penny for a long time. And, on top of that, they have likely gone through infertility treatments, feeling of inadequecy at not being able to give birth to a child, etc. It can be very difficult. Also, people have to be honest with themselves about what they can handle. Many people don't feel they can handle certain special needs. You can argue that birth moms don't have the choice, but they do. You should check out adoption photolistings for foster children to see how many of them have special needs! (Trust me, I am a foster parent.)

Yes, people may want to adopt children of their own race. It is very uncomfortable when you have a child that does not look like you and you are standing in line at the bank and the person in front of you asks if your child is really yours. Have you experienced this? It is a matter of choice. I hate to say it, but it is really up to the person adopting. If the birth mom doesn't like it, she doesn't have to pick that family.

Babies in this country vs. babies in another country? I think there are people fighting for newborns over here. Many of these infants will get adopted. The children from other countries don't have as much chance of getting adopted. There is nothing wrong with giving a chance to a child that might never have one. In fact, many of these people adopt specail needs children or sibling groups when they adopt from another country.

As far as adopting older children, there are many difficulties involved. I am a foster parent and I plan to adopt some older children, as well as an infant. However, the older children come with a ton of baggage. One minute they love you, the next they are telling you that you aren't their mom and they don't want you to be. Yes, you still love them, but it isn't easy. It isn't for everyone. You can't say you are going to adopt them and then decide it is too hard. I know these children need loving homes, but adopting an older child is something you need to be sure about before you do it. If you have experienced this, you know what I am talking about. If not, you shouldn't be asking why people don't do something that you aren't willing to do.

There are so many issues here. It is never bad to give a loving home to a child who needs one. Wether white, african american, any other race, american or from another country, newborn or 18. Maybe you should think of adoption in those terms.

Answer 5

First of all, you are VERY judgemental, and need to take a breath sister.........The desire to parent, yes is just that, however, everyone has the "right" to decide what they desire in a child, newborn or not.

Have you even thought through this???? Most adoptive couples have been through hell with infertility, miscarriages, and emotional/physical turmoil.

As far as your birth defect question, you obviously do not know anything about the adoption process. There is a long questionairre that we must fill out at the beginning of our process, where MOST do accept birth defects to a certain degree or more, as well as age, newborn to one year, or older, etc., mixed race, baby conceived by rape, mother who is a substance abuser, the list goes on and on. Therefore, do not "stereotype" all adoptive couples who choose domestic adoption as "only wanting healthy newborns"...........If you think about it, most people desire a baby first, but others, may have an interest in an older child, and there are many!

Lastly, most placements are not in the control of the adoptive parents, we don't "pick our babies".........normally, that is up to the birth mother after she reviews our scrapbooks, and letters. To refer to children as puppies that are picked over is mean hearted, and rediculous. The more I read your question, the more I realized your ignorance.............educate yourself on adoption please..........

Answer 6

For one, where did you get the "statistic" that most people want white newborns? That is incredibly not true, about your other points. Couples want newborns so they make the special parent-to-child connection before the child realizes that he/she is being tossed around. And I seriously doubt that you would not prefer a healthy newborn over one with medical conditions. It is sad, but don't judge others for maybe not being able to AFFORD an unhealthy child. I agree when you say children should not be puppies at a pound, etc. etc., Basically it just comes down to what couples want, obviously a couple isn't going to want an unhealthy child, so there's your answer.

Now when it comes to already having that child, NO child should be loved more or less depending on what race, color, intelligence, or medical conditions they might have. Adopting, in a way is choosing, and people always choose what they want, even if they don't mean to.

Answer 7

As much as I hate to say it, if I had a choice when adopting a child, I would want a healthy newborn as well. Why? Because with a newborn, it's a much easier transition. It's not like you're just coming into a 10-year-old's life; plus, you can share the memories of their first steps, first words, first food.. everything.
As far as race is concerned, it's just natural that white couples would want a white child. I'm not saying this is a good thing at all, but you just have to realize that people want normal lives.

All children need love, though.

Answer 8

When people say "healthy infant" they're usually referring to a child without a known serious condition such as heart problems, aids, extreme exposure to drugs and alcohol, etc. These are not easy issues to deal with, and many people know that they would not be the best family for this child. If given the choice most of us would choose for our kids to be healthy, but that doesn't mean that we would not still love them if they got sick later on. When we adopted we were open to many health issues, but I don't blame those who aren't.

Also, it is untrue that most families only want caucasian babies. However, as a parent who has adopted inter-racially I understand that inter-racial adoption is not right for every family. Yet, in the US there are many couples who are open to children of any race, but still find a long wait, and many risks in adopting domestically. That is why many families including ours chose international adoption. We wanted an adoption that carried less risk of falling through, and were happy to adopt an older infant or toddler, we new that at this point in our lives we were not prepared to meet the needs of an older foster child.

Many of the children in foster care have experienced great loss, abuse neglect, and many have emotional, behavioral or attachment issues. These kids need mature, experienced parents with lots of time, resources, and knowlegde of such issues. Many parents would not be up for the challenge and should not be made to feel bad for realizing this.

What "makes me ill" is when people who know very little about the adoption process, and have not and will probably never adopt a special needs or foster child, decide to accuse others of of being "too picky" or "treating children like pets" (that one really buggs me). As an adoptive parent, one must make tough adoption related decisions based on what is best for their family, and the children they intend to adopt.

I love my children with all of my heart and I know we made the right decisions, I am sorry if you can't understand that.


**Reading my comment you should see that I am NOT referring to "returning" a child once they've been adopted if they are found to be ill. In fact I said "that doesn't mean that they would not still love them if they got sick later on". Also, remember that I said that my husband and I WERE open to medical conditions, I just know that not everyone could deal well with some issues.
What I am saying is that if a child has a known medical issue then a family should be found for them that has the resourses to best provide for them (this is in the best interest of the child) When someone has a biological child and finds they are ill they have already chosen to parent that particular child, and have bonded with them already. In adoption we are talking about a list of many couples who each can offer different things to a child, it is a very different situation. Do you think it's in the best interest of the child for an agency to randomly match a them with a family without taking their known special needs into account and say "take what you get"?

Answer 9

It really isn't that simple.

A parent has to be able to parent a child in a positive and nurturing environment. Not all people are capable of parenting a child outside of their own race. So many would not qualify, even if they wanted to. And others simply do not want to.

We should allow children to be parented by parents who are not 100% enthusiastic about parenting them! Whether bio or through adoption. Children should be wanted and cherished and valued and treasured -- for who they are. If there is hesitation, or questions, or doubts, then the answer should be -- no.

And contrary to what you may think, almost all African American, Bi-racial and Hispanic babies are adopted by Caucasian parents.

And, true enough, most parents, biologic or adoptive, hope their children will be healthy! But there are plenty of parents out there who have a special gift for, desire to adopt and parent and love and care for a child who is not healthy. All newborns in the U. S, regardless of their race or health, have, with few exceptions, thousands of parents waiting to adopt them.

It is the troubled and passed over older children who are not adopted in the U.S. They often require lots of care and patience, as well as therapy and guidance as well as love. We should be ashamed of the fact that we, the "greatest country on earth" have over 500,000 of our children in foster care! Deplorable.

We must find ways to support, educate, teach and qualify BIOLOGICAL parents to parent, in similar ways as require adoptive parents to be approved to adopt. Then we would have fewer children growing up in the bleak conditions of foster care!

Answer 10

I wholeheartedly agree, but some people just enjoy the experience of raising a child from birth and giving him their own name. There are many challenges involved with adopting an older child that some people just don't feel equipped to handle. I applaud anyone who wants to adopt.