What should I do about my prejudice grandparents?

Question

I asked this before, but I'd like to get other people's views on it.

My boyfriend is half Taiwanese, half Italian. I'm Irish, so I'm "white." My grandparents are very old fashioned and, though they've never said anything overtly, I can tell that they don't approve of us dating because of our ethnic differences. They comment on how "different" we are and have even made snide remarks about my boyfriend's Taiwanese mother (not while he was there, thankfully). My boyfriend and my grandparents have met, but I'm afraid to bring him to family functions because of what they might say or do. It really hurts me that my grandparents, whom I do love, can be so racist.

I also know that, if we get married (it's looking more and more likely, we've been together almost two years), we won't be having a church wedding because I'm an Agnostic (which my grandparents don't know) and he's an Atheist. My grandparents are very religious and might raise a stink about it or refuse to come.

What should I do?

Answer 1

Unfortunately, it sounds like there's no way out of the situation where everybody wins. With that in mind, I think all you can reasonably do is maximize your own happiness and wellbeing (since nobody is likely to actually die if you marry your boyfriend the way you, and he, want to).

In the end, it might come down to which solution -- losing your boyfriend/husband or losing your grandparents -- would make you the least miserable. I do hope it doesn't come to that, though.

It sounds like you're in a bad spot; best of luck to you both.

Answer 2

I can sympathize. You want to respect your grandparents, and they are family, but your life is yours, and frankly, they aren't showing the best side of their generation.

I was raised Catholic and so was my wife. I am atheist, she was non-religious. We had our daughter baptized and even went through the process of first communion just to make our parents happy. That was probably hypocritical, but no harm done in my opinion. There's no such thing as blasphemy to an atheist :)

On the other hand, we did not get married in the Catholic Church. That would have been going a bit too far. Our daughter could have chosen to follow Catholicism (she didn't), but my wife and I knew very well that we weren't Catholic.

Invite your grandparents to the wedding and let them make the choice. I hope things work out well, and that your grandparents can adjust to the bigger world they live in now, but in the end, you have to do what's right for you.

Answer 3

I totally sympathize. Having had several relatives decide to boycott my same-sex wedding, I can tell you that empty chairs are much better than disapproving eyes.

My 18-year-old boy cousin, white and from small-town Alabama, was in a similar spot. He's dating a black girl. He pointed out that their "cultures" couldn't be any more different than his older sister's and the Russian man she just married. He also jokes that with his red hair and pale skin, maybe their kids could avoid the family history of skin cancer. That helped.

Answer 4

I'm sorry you have to go through that. Its odd that someone can be religious and prejudice at the same time. As long as you two love eachother thats all that matters. What you can do is just have a private wedding with just the two of you. More intimate and special.

Answer 5

I'm very sorry to here that. I've had to deal with my racist mother all of my life. It has never been easy. The best I've ever been able to do is to flat out tell her when I do not want to discuss (or here about) certain subjects.

I see when she starts going there, and I say to her "I do not want to talk about this with you."

I have only tried this tactic for about two years now (I'm 38) but she seems to get the message more and more.

Answer 6

Well, I was going to give you some very point blank verses from Gods word that prohibit racism, but you do not believe Gods word, so there is nothing you can do.

You are agnostic, you believe in allowing everyone to find their own truth, your grandparents have done exactly that, and it hurts you that they have this truth.
but according to your own creed for life, you must allow them to have this, as you wish to have your own truth also.

It is a horrible circle of madness and cannot be corrected without some form of absolute truth, no matter if you do not like the absolute truth.

Do not use the bible to change your grand parents if you do not believe what is written in it.

Answer 7

It's too bad your grandparents can't seem to take the high road. When you marry, your allegiance to your husband comes first. If they're going to be rude to him I'd write them off. But be respectful to them just the same.

Answer 8

No person should ever feel impartial or look down upon people of other races or ethnic groups. For Jesus very clearly showed me once, that all people are God's creations. And He loves us all very much; regardless of our color or our nationality. All that you can do in regard to your grandparents is to pray that God will open their eyes to the truth of his love for all people. But I also suggest that you personally make certain that you have asked Jesus Christ to forgive your sins, and be your personal Savior. And I pray that your boyfriend's eyes be opened to the truth of the true existence of God; and that he believe in Him. For most certainly, no one who does not believe in God is going to enter into the Kingdom of God. I pray that you both enjoy your life together here on this earth. For if God is not the center of your marriage, and Jesus is allowed to be the personal Savior of both your souls, life on this earth is the only life that either of you will ever know.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do. Especially when people get up there in age, they are really stuck in their ways and their mindsets. The best you can do is let them know you love them and want them to continue to be a part of your life, but also let them know that they're going to have to learn to keep the peace and keep their (negative) opinions to themselves if *they* want to remain a part of your life.

Answer 10

I think you should be yourself and not worry about what your grandparents think about your relationship or your beliefs. They may be disapointed that you did not do what they would have liked, but we can't make everybody happy. If they behave rudely, yes confront them about it. Even old farts need to be told once in awhile to mind their own business. But always reasure them that you love them and that you know they love you and want you to be happy. Blessings to you both.