We were together for two years. We were very serious. Our relationship certainly had its ups and downs. I know logically that I can never be with him again. The man has a lot of issues. I still care for him though, and have a hard time letting go. Since I broke up with him, he has become worse. On one hand, he is going out of his way to do nice things for me to prove himself. On the other hand, he is disregarding my request that he leave me alone, and threatening guys who try to date me. I try to be firm, but whenever I have a momment of weakness, he is there to give me whatever I want. When I broke up with him, I had hoped that we could be friends, but that obviously didn't work...he constantly tries to get with me and threatens anyone else who does. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to hurt myself more by having to completely wipe him out of my life, but his actions lately have been crazy/stalkerish. What do I do?
2007-07-16 15:50:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I have told him off many times. He just literally stalks me, and he knows me. If I have a few drinks, he finds out and comes to my house with cigarettes because he knows I will want them when I drink. I have told him repeatedly that there is no chance of us ever getting back together, and he still does this stuff. I have tried to get completely away from him (no contact), but he lives so close (right across the street from my mom) and he always shows up. I am mean about it 90% of the time, but if I'm not one time, he runs with it. I even called the police twice, but his threats have not been towards me (always himself or the guy that I have been seeing). So, nothing much has come of me calling the police. On top of it all, I don't know how to deal with my emotions. Our relationship went south rather suddenly, and I am having difficulty dealing with the heartbreak.
2007-07-16 16:18:08 · update #1
I have worked in the security industry, & personal protection business for more than 35 years, & some time ago I took a special interest in stalkers.
One of the things I learned early on with stalkers is that they don't respond well to hints, & subtle persuasion.
Everything you described of him in your question is typical of the ex-boyfriend type of stalker. This type of stalker is like a drug addict, & his drug of choice is Y.O.U.
Another trait that stalkers & addicts have in common is that they are master manipulators. When he is going out of his way to do nice things for you it's likely not out of any affection, or caring gesture. It's more likely a blatant attempt to manipulate you into taking him back. So the next time you find yourself facing a moment of weakness, remind yourself, that this isn't him being sweet, it's him pushing your buttons.
Now you need to prepare yourself, because as soon as he realizes that you now have his number, & he's not going to be able to manipulate you anymore with his sweet side, he's gonna get real ugly. I suggest you get a restraining order against him before it gets to that point.
But above all, STOP SENDING HIM MIXED MESSAGES.
Actually, I think you already have come to that realization, but I want to reinforce that concept because it's very important.
I also get from your text that you are becomming aware that there can be no nice way to end it with him.
Take comfort in knowing that HE MADE THAT CHOICE with his persistance, not you. So go ahead & be mean for once, it might be what he needs to see from you to know you mean business.
If you go for an order of protection & he contests it in court, just bring in some of the guys he's threatened to testify. That should do it.
For the last bit of my free advice I will also include what I always advise my clients in these situation. Keep a diary of your encounters with him. One can always hope that your stalker will go away soon, but often this kind of thing goes on for years. Always document each incident with him with details of time. place, what he was wearing, who was with him, what you both said.
It may seem unmeaningfull to you now, but being able to refer to notes that were taken down shortly after each incident will have a greater impact in a court of law, than if you stood before a judge & said something like "yeah judge, he bothered me lot's & lots of times through the years, & just wouldn't stop".
Judges are aware that biased witnesses tend to exaggerate, but specifics are hard to ignore, especially when a few specifics pile up after months, or even years of harrasment.
I wish you peace. :-)
2007-07-16 16:23:02 · answer #1 · answered by No More 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mean?? Are you crazy? This guy could end up hurting you or someone you care about.
You have to report him to the police before it's too late.How many horror stories are there in the news everyday about situations like this?
Don't talk to him anymore,because that just fuels the fire and don't accept anything from him either.You have to cut off all communication with him and do it now for your own good.
He's possessed about this and that's very dangerous.
You have to let the authorities know he's threatening people and harrassing you.It's sad but true.We never want to see things end like this but unfortuletly they sometimes do.
You'll have no life of your own if you let this go on.YOU REALLY NEED TO DO SOMETHING NOW!!! I can't stress that enough.
Good Luck and God Bless.
2007-07-16 23:02:14 · answer #2 · answered by sonnyboy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cut him off COMPLETELY. Without meaning to, you may be giving him hope if you respond to him or try to be his distant friend. If this works, he will be better off in the long run. If he persists, though, it is time to call the police and press charges. Just make sure you document threats made, times called, visits, etc. - hopefully being arrested will scare him into leaving you alone. If he continues, well, then that level of stalking is truly criminal and he needs to go through the legal system before it turns violent for you or whoever you might be with.
2007-07-16 23:00:06 · answer #3 · answered by vikygarcia 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has serious issues, you know this and realize it.
There is no middle of the road with people like him.
If you have decided to break it off with him, then sever all ties, and call it a day. If he keeps coming around, then contact local law enforcement. He is a control freak beyond belief.
By staying in touch with him, conversation, phone calls, casual coffee, you are giving him the idea that the relationship has a chance.
He is a dangerous person, and for you own safety, call it over and move on.
2007-07-16 22:54:37 · answer #4 · answered by Michael H 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
really! omgosh! okay the first thing to do is tell him off. trust me... I think you would alot better with this cyco freak out of your life. tell him you honestly are tired of him and you dont think that you can even be friends. make sure he knows that what you are saying is firm and strong. if you are weak he will talk you out of it. I know that it will be hard at first and to let go but for the better there will be other men who are not crazy. even though he has helped you now he has gone to far. wait a week or so and then go to the police or even get him some help. make sure you are not shaky when you tell him off- because then he will know that you are not all the way sure of letting him go. you go girl!
2007-07-16 22:57:30 · answer #5 · answered by elizabeth13 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have been as firm as boiled spagetti. Until you place your comfort and safety above what this sicko has to offer, enjoy the experience. Let's face it, you enjoy the notion that this guy can't get over you. Some types of flattery we can do without. Hope you don't find out the hard way.
2007-07-16 22:58:06 · answer #6 · answered by amazingly intelligent 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you can be mean about it and you can stop it. Stalking is against the law and if it persists there is legal action that can be taken. Do not take stalking lightly, stop it. In our country there are rights, and one of yours is not to have someone following you and stalking you. That is wrong and you can stop it. There are several ways, your attorney can help and if you do not have one call your local police and they will help you with a restraining order until the hearing in court where a court order will be issued against him to stop. Violating that will result in him going to jail. Serious enough. It is not mean to defend your rights so don't mix them up.
2007-07-16 22:55:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are going to have to get past the not wanting to "hurt his feelings" because he is completely disregarding yours. You need to stop all contact with him. It is obvious that friendship is out of the question. You should let him know that his behavior will not be tolerated and you will contact law enforcement if it does not stop.
2007-07-16 22:54:56 · answer #8 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's probably tough for him to let go......nothing hurts a man more than to see a woman he liked with another man. you got to hope and pray he finds someone else to occupy his time, so he will leave you alone. some of us men take longer than norman to get over a lost love. on behalf of my gender, i apologize for those types....lol. remember to be firm though, and don't keep giving him false hope that things will get better. if you think he is doing nice things just to get together, then refuse them. he'll get the hint sooner or later.
2007-07-16 22:57:39 · answer #9 · answered by pyno t 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to sometimes be mean to get what you want. NO, what is best 4 u. BE CONFIDENT! don't let him see your weaknesses because it will just build him up. You can't let this guy take a hold of your life in the wrong way.
2007-07-16 22:56:46 · answer #10 · answered by Strider 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋