Should I back out?

Question

My fiancee and I had dinner with both our families. I thought everything was a bit tense, but didn't think anything "big" was wrong. I call him this morning, and he tells me he is upset about our last gathering--but just didn't want to speak up at dinner.

Although I am an adult, with a great job and a mature attitude (at least I think so...), I value my family's input and opinions. I am very close to my mom, so what she says, I tend to listen very seriously to...I don't always go with her opinion, but I like her input. For instance, my mom personally has reservations about him, but I decided to get engaged anyway.

My fiancee tells me that it is OUR future at stake. He says it's all about us and not about our families. I should always talk to him first...and not with my family. He says I should be independent and make my own decisions (I thought I did...).

Should I back out of this engagement? Is this relationship doomed? What should I do?

Answer 1

Wait a minute...does he want you never to listen to your family at all? Are you not allowed outside input? We all have to make our own decisions, but they are far more informed and rational when we take in data and opinions from multiple sources first.

Clearly the fact that you chose to accept the proposal of a man your mother has these reservations about indicates that you are capable of making your own decisions. If he's secure in your relationship, why does it bother him so much for you to hear what your mother has to say?

That sort of a comment from a guy would be a huge red flag to me. No guy should ever tell you never to consult your family.

Unless the entire conversation was your mother trashing your guy in front of you and trying to break you up - in which case I imagine you would have understood without aid that something 'big' was wrong - I don't see why it should be a problem to him that you respect your mother's opinion and might choose to consult her in some matters.

Marriage is never only about the couple. It's also about their families and their friends. Is he never going to listen to his family about anything again? I doubt it. If he is going to cut them out of his life because his entire world is you, or expects you to cut off your family...then I think you should run screaming into the night.

That wouldn't be a healthy relationship.

Is the relationship doomed? Not necessarily. But I think it may require some careful consideration and possibly some couples counselling.

Everybody needs some advice from someone they trust now and again...even about their marriages.

Answer 2

Really it is based on how compatible you guys are and if your compatability, love, goals, etc. seem to mesh well enough to last a lifetime.

Do you both feel the same way about each other? Do you agree on having/not having children? What about career goals? Finances? How do you guys handle conflict with each other? If you both agree on most of that and can work through things with each other well, and are each other's best friend, then you guys might just be perfect for each other.

However, if you both are night and day- you want kids, he doesn't; you are a spender and he's a saver; you want to get a PhD and be a rocket scientist and he wants to just work in a simple low pay job without any ambition; etc.... then there might be issues.

Also, I have to ask... how old are you both? How long have you dated? You say you are an adult. Legal adult is 18. If you guys are barely 18 or 19, that could be a big part of why the families may not be so excited about you both wanting to get married so young. Even if you are 25 though, if you both haven't been dating long, that could be another reason for the tension.

Maybe it is due to how your fiance is? For example, if you are from an upper class or highly educated family and he is from a lower class or uneducated family, maybe that could be why they "don't approve." Obviously we don't know all the details of you, your finace, and your families.

These are just some of the things that tend to make people not be so enthusiastic about people getting married.

Example - I know a girl who just after turning 20 got married. Very young, hasn't been to college. He's in his mid 20's though. She is pretty immature still. And he's somewhat controlling. So obviously her family wasn't too happy about her marrying this guy. And wouldn't you know it, not long after they got married, they started having issues/problems.

Only you will really know if you should marry this guy. You just have to really figure out if you two are a good match. Your parent's may or may not approve anyway - even if you both are a good match. But it is your life - not your parents.

Answer 3

Though decision here ! One Thing I know is that your mom knows what's best for you even though it doesn't make sense at times, also your family will always be there for you, so you have to value them. I am not sure what happened that made him so upset or why your mother is not so fond of him but it is a big issue when either family is against the other. Even though some people say that when you get married you are marrying your Fiance not her/ his family, In my personal opinion you truly do marry his/ her family as well because you will become part of that family and you want to feel as such. Try to work thing out with him and really try to figure out what hes so upset about but also think of what your mother is saying. Try to see your situation outside the bubble, I know it might be hard and if your already doubting then wait until you are sure this is what you and he wants. Don't rush or feel pressured into it, because you will be the one who has to deal with the situation for as long as it last.

Answer 4

It really depends on how he is reacting. If he is being Mr. Macho and you think that when you marry he will be more aggresive and not let you see your family, then yes back out. If he is being more sympathetic, and he truely is saying it because he is looking out for you, than I dont think you should back out. It might take time for him to adjust to your appreciation of your family. Not everyone gets a great family, or upbringing, and it's hard to adjust to a partner who has that. If he is concerned about you, than just talk to him about what you feel. You will have to also bend a bit, and try to see from his point of view as well. As you know there is a pretty big stigma on a partners parents, the good ol in laws. It's around for a reason. Not everyone gets a long. If you wait for a guy that understands that, you might not ever fall in love with someone, at least for awhile. If you truely love him, you will work it out. IF you are questioning it, than take some time off

Answer 5

First of all, talk to him. The biggest mistake most couples make is not communicating. Also consider couples counseling or a marriage class, everyone puts negative connotations on these but relationships are hard and need constant work. People get caught up in the romance of love and expect things to be perfect without any work, that's when relationships fail. Tell him how you feel and listen to him when he tells you how he feels and then try to reach a middle ground. Good luck!

Answer 6

You do need to make your decsisions for yourself. But family input is important if your mom has reservations about him you need to take a look at him from your moms point of view. Then you will know if she is jsut being overly protective or actually sees something. It is hard to do but you need to see what everyone else sees. It is your guys future but family should be apart of it. If they aren't trust me you will never be truly happy. Just step back and look at it from the outside. I made the mistake and didn't listen to my family and I didn't see them for two years and now I am 21 and divorced. So I know how you feel.

Answer 7

You need to listen to yourself first, not your mom or anybody else. Next this is between you and your fiance. Your mother's input should be 3'rd. If you really think you should back out because of your mom's input you are in no position at all to get married. You got some growing up to do!!

Answer 8

did your mom give you specifics - or is it just a feeling and what do you really feel.
I have been married for 17+ years and I do not get along with my husbands family - he does get along great with mine. It makes for some very tough situations. I would still marry him all over again -
It is up to you there must be some reason you are thinking of giving it up - listen to your inner voice is all the advice i can give and best of luck to you

Answer 9

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Answer 10

If you can't talk to him now then yes your relationship is doomed. Marriage can only survive if both parties are willing to communicate. Plus other people see you from the outside (referrring to your mom) - they see and know more because they are not personally involved!
Good luck=