Adopted Children?

Question

Is anyone adopted? How did you feel when you found out?
The reason I ask is that I gave up my son to a loving family because I was too young to take care of him. Recently I heard a few people saying that adoption is the worst thing a kid could find out or that it was bad for the child. So now I feel slightly insecure about my decision, I know I did the right thing, but will he hate me for it when he grows up?

Honestly, I don't know if it was open or not. I am pretty sure it was closed, but the family agreed to send pictures but they never did.
Should I wait until he's 18 and try seek him out, not to contact, but to see where he is? (he's currently 8)

Answer 1

I have two adopted children. We adopted them at older ages, but even if we'd have adopted them as babies, they would have "always known" they were adopted. We talk about their adoption story frequently. We talk about how long we waited for them, how much we wanted them and how much paperwork was involved in bringing them into our family. We also give a lot of honor to their birth family. It was a difficult thing their birth mother did to make an adoption plan for them & I am more grateful to her than I can even begin to express for giving me my daughters.

It's very likely, as it's become conventional wisdom in the last 20 years or so, that your son has known that he was adopted from the time he even understood families and that it wasn't an earth shattering realization for him.

I think most adopted children go through some "what if" scenarios and fantasies as they grow up (if I few up with my birth mom, I wouldn't ever have to do chores!). LOL.

I think most, if not all, adopted children have grief and loss issues that they need to deal with at each stage of development. I think most adopted children have some kind of understanding that their birth mother made a loving choice by making an adoption plan so they could have a better life with more opportunities.

There is a chance that you and this young man will be reunited some day and he'll probably have many questions for you as well as many stories to tell you. I doubt he'll hate you for making a difficult choice that was designed for his benefit.

Answer 2

Not adopted however I have been with children who have found the natural parents If you explain why you felt it was best and how you came to the decision It is a great
If you cry yell and blame the other parent they will be more than happy to walk away

Open adopted children have it a little better you keep a journal of each yea,r you gave them up, they can see you and the letter you sent is great to read as to where you where in the missing process. they feel secure about the news

If the adopted family does tell the child until 18+ it is hard
in the fact they found out so late for some.. for others MOM and DAD are still MOM and DAD The birth parents are gift givers

So please do not fear what you do not know you made a decision that you believe is a good one I am willing to bet it was the right one and your need not worry..

Answer 3

I was adopted as a baby (6 weeks) and my adoptive parents never tried to hide this from me. It was a closed adoption and all I have are some family health records. I have never actually decided to try and find my birth mother, if I did want to it would simply be to get some updated family health information. I do not think adoption was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I do not hate anyone for it. If I had not been adopted then who knows where I would have ended up. I have a wonderful family with whom I am very close. The only issues I had as an adopted child were some personal identity issues in the teenage years, but who doesn't. It took me a while to figure myself out. And, I guess because I never knew anyone from my birth family and had no blood relatives that I knew, I always wanted children at a young age. I guess I felt like this would complete me, to have a family of my own. I am now 26, been married for 7 years and have 3 beautiful children of my own. Just know that you made the best decision at the time and place you were in your life.

Answer 4

I was adopted by my aunt when I was born. My birthmom wasn't ready for a 3rd child and my aunt (legal mom) couldn't have kids. Yay me! My life is alot better than what it would have been if I wasn't adopted. I found out I was adopted when I was about 4ish. My biological sisters told me because I was all pissed that I was an only child. I'm happy I was adopted.


I also recently (last month) gave my 3rd child up for adoption and she was adopted by my cousins (pretty much the same situation). People kept telling me it would be the hardest decision I would ever make, honestly it was the easiest. I knew she was going to a great family and she would get the attention and care that she needs. I have a 4 year old and a 2 1/2 year old and they occupy most of my time. So along w/ finances I was worried I wouldn't be able to offer my time evenly to all of my kids. So I knew it was the best decision I could make. She will be spoiled and love every moment of it.

When your son gets to age of questioning and eventually finds you to ask why you just have to explain to him the circumstances and that your choice was so he would be able to have the best life you could give him even if it meant not being with you.

Answer 5

You don't need it, but I'm going to throw in my 2 cents.

My boyfriend is adopted and is probably one of the more stable men I've met in my life. When a woman adopts a baby they are (generally) ecstatic and amazed at their fortune to have this wonderful bundle of joy in their life. His parents were open with him from the beginning and kept a "firsts" journal like any other parent would. This included his adoption certificate.

All those movies out there that make it seem like a horror show for children to be adopted and find out are just plain wrong. I agree that the child needs to know pretty much from the beginning, but all in all, when raised by a good, loving family they really don't care if they don't share the same geneological makeup.

Don't worry about it. The people who are speaking, I believe, are more the minority than the majority.

All the best!

Answer 6

This all depends on the child.

I come from a family with three adopted children and one natural child.

I am the only adopted child out of the three who cared to look for my birth family. My siblings have absolutely NO desire to find their roots.
Definitely do not feel insecure about your decision...you made the best and most un selfish decision anyone could make.

He definitely will not hate you.... he will just have a lot of questions. All adoptee's handle the situation differently but I do know that 90 percent have mental problems such as depressions and anxiety disorders.

Answer 7

Don't you listen to those people that speak negatively about adoption!! You did what you felt was the right thing for your son. I was adopted at birth and had the best childhood any child could hope for. I also reconnected with a birth brother and found out that growing up wasn't a "walk in the park" for him. He was actually jealous of me and of the childhood I had.

Your son will be grateful that you gave him every opportunity and were unselfish and thought only of his best interest. I wouldn't be surprised if he looked you up when he is an adult.

What you did took extreme strength and love. You remember that honey!!

Answer 8

I'm adopted by my grandmother ...

My mom loved me so much and she could not support me financially (She had 4 kids from previous marriage and I was born deaf and my birth father left)

My mom knew that her mother would be able to provide me better life and better schools for me ...

When my mom remarried and my oldest sister passed away and left 3 kids behind ... The father took the baby one and did not keep the twins (twins and baby both different father) ... My mom stepped in and adopted them ...

I did not find out I was adopted til I was 19 years old and yes, I was very upset about it ... I was torn apart for 2 years til I talked to my other sister and she explained how difficult my mom had to go through giving me up for adoption ...

Today my mom is close by and she is trying to bond with me better ... and yes I m still close to my mama that raised me ...

I know you have a very good reason to give him up for adoption cuz you knew you would not be able to support him financially and hopefully you will get to meet him one day and explain that you did love him very dearly ...

Is it an open adoption or a closed adoption ?? If you had chosen the open adoption you would have been able to see him or get any letters / pictures from the adoptive parents.

Answer 9

I was adopted just after birth. I have always known that I was adopted and do not feel slighted. The older a child/adult is when they find out the more difficult it will be on them. Be secure in your decision and the family that you chose for him. One day he may choose to have contact with you and you can explain your worries and concerns then. Feel free to put a letter in the adoption file to him and to keep the file updated. This is the first place he will go if he wants contact.

Answer 10

Adoption was the best gift you could give your son and his adoptive parents. If you couldn't give him a home that he needed, then giving him to a family that so wanted a child and couldn't have one was a selfless sacrifice that he will understand as he gets older. I just visited a family member who adopted a child, they could have been more joyful. They have waited for years for a child and are so blessed to have been able to adopt this little one. they are choosing to let the child know from the beginning that she was adopted to cut down on confusion and emotional stress later. Don't be insecure, you did the best you could for your child, that's all any child can ask for.