Serious question about porn in a relationship?

Question

Hi, I am dating a fantastic man (finally!) who really truly loves me and has proven to me that he does. but i think he may have a problem with porn. When i found pictures on his computer he got rid of them for me.Then, I found more while i was searching for something totally un-related. We fought again, bad this time, and he said it wouldnt happen again. He said he used it every once and while when we werent together (we see each other about 3 times a week, and have a great sex life). Now, i found another website, and he said, honestly, he uses it every single day that we are not together. Sometimes for over an hour a time. He says it is habit from years of doing it when he was single and he cant shake it. I asked him why, isnt he satisfied? and all he does is bow his head in shame and say "i dont know". Is this a genuine problem? should l leave or not? I'm starting to feel like nothing but a means to an end & disgusted by him. He is willing to stop but when do i draw the line? Thanks

We talked about it seriously, he wants to stop making me feel bad. He really does. I am confused as to whether I am overreacting OR if this is normal sexual behavior. To me, it seems excessive. I know occassionaly is okay, but always when im not there? For more time than is necessary? thanks, I am feeling pretty low & ineffectual.

Answer 1

If you're disgusted with him, it's time to cut him loose.

He's addicted. It can be cured, but he obviously doesn't want to. He won't change, it's just like any other sexual addiction or deviation.

Edit:

Most of you have missed the point. The issue isn't porn, it's his blatant disregard for her feelings and his dishonesty.

Whether you or I are for or against porn is irrelevant. What if it was alcohol or drugs? The same principle applies.

It IS causing a problem, and he's not dealing with it.

A few observations:

She obviously doesn't want to watch it with him.

All men don't use it.

She has as much right NOT to like it as WE have to like it.

Being judgmental in reverse is just as bad.

Answer 2

Well, if you love him the way you say, then you shouldn't be thinking of leaving him over something you can see he is ashamed of. He has already admitted that it's a problem he can't seem to give up, and that's one of the hardest parts. I think you should sit down with him and explain how his problem makes you feel. I'm certain that if he loves you the way you say he has proved himself to do, then he will be very understanding and considerate of your feelings and be willing to get help with this problem of his. Counseling will help him to overcome the addiction, but may not be enough. There is a place on-line I believe is called Covenant Eyes. It is a program that he signs up to on his PC that will automatically send 1 or more recipients an e-mail whenever he logs onto an adult sight. Knowing that you(and potentially his counselor) will be notified when he goes to these sight will greatly detour him from doing so, and help to overcome this addiction. Like I said, if the love you say to share is real, then I'm sure he'll be more than willing to let you help him eliminate a part of himself that he doesn't like and makes him feel ashamed. Good Luck-Stand By Your Man.
:)

Answer 3

I know how you feel. It is really a disgusting habit.
These people are telling you to relax but obviously it is not going to make you feel any better. When you feel disgusted, you just are. Watching porn is if course normal but not everyday for an hour.

The good side seems that A, he loves you and he is honest with you. I think he does have a genuine addiction to porn, which he said CAN'T shake it off even though clearly he knows that it bothers you. The bad side is that he will probably won't change.
So you have to play your cards.

I have seen a couple who have been married for 30 years, but the husband was addicted to strip clubs all these years.
He obviously loves his wife and his wife learned to tolerate his habit but at the expense of her health and emotional well being. So take home message is that, love is dispensable but your emotional and physical health are not!

Observe him closely for a few months and if there is no improvement on his part, you will know what to do.

P.S. It is unbelievable how these days just direct people to counselors for any slight issues. Believe me, they may be good but no one knows you better than yourself. I think sometimes, it makes people lazy just to expect someone to sort through your own issues and life obstacles rather than figuring things on their own.

Answer 4

Honestly, I dont think his porn addiction has anything to do with you not satisfying him.

Its a basic habit that started before he even knew you. You have to remember that no one is perfect and if this is his little problem, its really not that big of a deal.

I know someone who had the same problem and I think you just have to understand it. You see, its the actual act of going online and finding the website and being in front of the computer. So you dont have to worry about him looking for it outside the computer. Its like some guys like video games, or sports, or...porn. And I hate to tell you this, but as much as he tells you he will stop, he really wont. And what he's saying is true, he doesnt know why he does it. Hes addicted to it like crackhead looking for his pipe.

If I were you, I would try to learn to get over it and just accept this problem. Maybe joining him would make it more erotic? You have to think about this, you said you FINALLY found a fantastic man who truly loves you. You obviously feel comfortable around him, he must have a good job, he responsible and so much more!! Try to look more at his good qualities instead of this little problem.

If this little problem really isn't that little to you? Then the answer is yes...break up with him.

Answer 5

There are a few ways to look at it. Keep in mind that men are "visual" creatures, and like to look. If it is not dominating his time and his life, there may be nothing wrong with it, unless it is of males or children or animals.

It could be because he has very healthy urges, and does not want to put pressure on you to "perform" more, so he uses it as an escape, or to masturbate, which is OK, too.

Another thing to consider is that if he is getting his "release" that way, he is most likely not getting his "release" anywhere else, like with any other women.

All you can do is talk about it, and try to help him wean off of it, but it may not work. If it gets worse, or becomes a real problem, either he needs professional help or he needs a different woman. If he loves you, he may be willing to see a counselor about his addiction, but it may also be too embarassing for him at first.

Good luck.

Answer 6

As long as he generally cares for you, this is NOT A PROBLEM. Just because a guy is looking at porn (when he has a gf) does not mean he is any less turned on by his gf. A guy may enjoy masturbation and the sight of other women/scenes of action and at the same time enjoy the company of his gf. He is probably just trying to enjoy some sexual variety, which is a totally natural and healthy human phenomena. I would suggest 1) to not discourage his porn habits, and 2) maybe to see it for yourself, as it may reveal some fantasies that your partner has. With that, you may be able to satisfy some of his other desires...

Answer 7

...porn as an outlet of stress can become as a habit quite damaging of course...but used in the right context it can assist a person in educating themselves mentally or physically at the same time sexually. Not all porn is bad reasonably.. .( some of it is protected by the Constitution ) but in the spirit of the porn it does depend on the mentality and seemly behaviors of the individual here darling. Cut off his porn supply temporarily here hun....but not completely darling. If you do he'll simply resent and regret you eventually otherwise. As long as he's not stepping out of the relationship with you entirely....let him feed his own mental fantasies occasionally. Limit it though...otherwise start fulfilling his sensual needs more often. He's a horn-dog sweetie...get used to it. Better that then a dead-bone...wouldn't you agree? Have you got any right wing agenda's we should become aware of otherwise? Some people like allot of sexual and sensual content hun.......and we simply can't live up to everyone's expectations. We're imperfect honey....but we're at least not into kiddie porn. That would be a different troubling issue of course...but that doesn't sound like anything he's into reasonably.......at least let's hope not anyways! Yikes!

Answer 8

Well, there's something major here: He uses it every day when you aren't together. It means he's horny, and since you aren't available he's taking care of a basic need.

Wean him off porn, slowly. In my relationship I wouldn't have a problem if he used porn on occasion, when I wasn't around, but if he's split between you and online women, he needs to shift the focus to you.

Though I do have to wonder...what's wrong with porn? It's pictures of people having sex. People like sex. Maybe you'll get some good ideas.

Don't leave him because he has a human trait. Try relaxing and checking something out with him, maybe you'll like it.

Answer 9

I know that you feel upset, like he is cheating on you, but it really shouldn't be too much of an issue. I know that my husband uses Internet porn, looking at pictures or watching videos. I know that sometimes he masturbates and that is okay with me. We have a really great sex life. He doesn't cheat on me, and he satisfies me. The only reason the porn would upset me is if it interfered with our sex life. You know, if he couldn't perform because he'd been masturbating all day. That has never happened.
Trust me when I say that your fantastic man prefers having sex with you to masturbating. So what he does when he can't be with you shouldn't matter that much.

Answer 10

You have to go with your feelings. If you feel uncomfortable about his porn usage then you should pay attention to your feelings especially since you say that you have become disgusted by him. How can you be with someone and feel comfortable around them if your disgusted by them? Do what your heart is telling you to do. To have a successful relationship, both parties involved have to be happy. You do not seem to be happy. Do what you truly feel is best.