What are your thoughts on second marriages?

Question

So my sister in law and I were talking about this and neither of us could decide what we thought about this.

Say you have a bride that has been married and divorced, but she is now marrying a man who has never been married before. Should they have the big wedding or not?

I know that I personally feel that every 1st time bride deserves the big wedding of her dreams no matter how many times the groom has been married, but I am not sure how I feel if its the grooms first time and not the brides. I know in my head it seems like a double standard and that the groom should get the big wedding (I'm sure his parents have dreamed about it as well), but something just seems off about it to me, I guess because I am not a fan of women repeating that wedding all over again. Its confusing and conflicting.

I'm wondering what all of you think about this kind of situation because I just cant decide and would like to hear others viewpoints.

I should say that I misspoke in my title, I am all for 2nd marriages, my question should have been what do you think about WEDDINGS for 2nd marriages.

Also, this is just a random question, I am and have been happily married for many years. It was just a topic that came up between us and I was wondering what others thoughts on the subject were.

Last clarification, When I say big, I do mean all the bells and whistles, like the dress, the church, the dinner and dancing, basically like she did it the first time, but this time with a man that was a better fit for her.

Answer 1

For my first wedding, I had a church wedding with about 100 people, and a reception with appetizers/cake/punch at the clubhouse where my parents lived (1980). It wasn't what I would call a big wedding, and it certainly wasn't elaborate to today's standards! That wedding ended in divorce, my husband committed bigamy, seemed reasonable to kick him to the curb!

My second wedding (2006), we had a wedding at a restaurant in a banquet room, and a sit-down meal reception for 60 people. I didn't wear a white gown, I just didn't feel like a 50 year old needed to wear a big ole white gown! It was a much nicer wedding than my first lol.

My husband was a widower and had never had any type of wedding/reception thing for his first marriage, they just went and got married. It was nice for him to be able to enjoy a real nice ceremony and reception for our wedding. And we paid for it ourselves!

Answer 2

Etiquette has always felt that the wedding is the bride's day...but she only deserves it if she's never been married before. If a first-time groom married a second-time bride, they were supposed to guage the ceremony to the fact that she'd been married before and not concern themselves with the fact it's his first wedding. On the other hand, a three-time widower marrying a sweet young innocent thing would go through the same dog-and-pony show he'd been through three times because she hadn't.

Of course, this was in the days when a bride much past the age of twenty-one was expected to forego the pomp and ceremony of a large wedding because she'd left it too long - and Heaven help her if she tried to wear white! No matter how virginal and innocent she might be, she was old enough that tongues would wag. This was a time when a woman who'd had a child out of wedlock was a social pariah for the rest of her life while the father could be a highly respected member of the community.

That's eased considerably over the years, and I think it's about time it did.

If a bride wants the big splash a second time or never got it the first and regrets missing it, then I don't see who it hurts to go for the gusto so long as the couple in question can afford the party. If they don't want all the fuss and feathers, then they can marry quietly, but I like the fact they no longer have no option.

It's a new marriage, and I think that's something to celebrate, whether or not either party has celebrated before.

Answer 3

I understand the question, I think, but what's unclear to me is the meaning of 'big' in 'big wedding'. Does 'big' mean the whole nine yards: bridal party, ceremony in the church, reception, 200 guests, etc.? Or does 'big' just mean 'not small', 'small' being 10 guests and dinner afterwards in a restaurant?
I think a bride deserves the wedding of her dreams each time because she is marrying the man of her dreams each time. One thing the couple can do is make some reference to the gifts on the invitation - I don't know how it would be handled but they could suggest donations to a charity or something. The reason I say this is that they may both already have completely equipped households and not need any of the usual gifts - and at the same time, it's very tacky to simply say, 'Give us cash!'

Answer 4

That's me! Second time bride (who already had the big wedding of my dreams way back when), first time groom. What size wedding should we have? Whatever size we want and can afford. This is a new, and important event in our lives, which we are not going to predicate upon the first. I'm not necessarily going to have a big wedding, this time around--still in the planning stages. However, I don't think second weddings need to place second fiddle to first. My second-husband is MUCH better suited for me than my first. And our wedding doesn't need to be any less grand than the first, should we choose a large wedding.

P.S. I'm amazed at all the folks who think it's inappropriate for a second-time bride to wear white. It's an appropriate color for the bride: virgin or not, previously married or not.

Answer 5

Please let me say: This wedding is the FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. And even tho she's been married before, this marriage deserves no less honor and blessing than the first.

The groom & his family need not miss out on all the beautiful celebation just because she was married before.

They could make their wedding plans to be very different from her first, even if just for his sake. For Instance, if she had the big traditional church wedding, maybe look into having the ceremony out doors in a beauthiful park or garden, (or even beachside) and have the reception following at country club or reception hall nearby. Also, most large nice hotels have very nice facilities targeted at the wedding ceremony, as well as the reception.

Or at least at a different church (maybe even in a close neighboring town).

If $$ is an issue (and how can it NOT be?), use your imagination. Maybe grandmother's (or Aunt Jill's, etc.) beautiful back lawn with the shrubs & flowers she is SO proud of, would be ideal (it would thrill her and honor her sooo very much). The reception could be anything from Grandmother's back deck, with a rented "awning/tent type cover" - I ,don't know what you call it), to a reserved room at a nice restaurant. If you have the reception at Grandmother's, mou might be able to forego most of the catering expense if you enlist moms, aunts, cousins, & friends to prepare and bring the food. You know how they love to show off their very best entertainment serving dishes and recipes - they also would probably be honored.

It can all be turned into a wonderland of love with creative decorating and planning, and be just as special as any other wedding anyone's ever had.

I do wonder about her wearing the big WHITE gown. But, It is totally appropriate for her to have a beautiful wedding dress in ivory or "candlelight" color. Again, I have the groom in mind here as well. If it's what he wants, he deserves to see his bride decked out like a "BRIDE", coming down the "aisle" to him on her father's (brother's, son's, uncle's, etc.) arm.

Also, since this her second wedding, in my opinion she should not expect her folks to foot the whole bill.

Oh, and best wishes to your "friend"!!

Answer 6

Well, you assume that the first weddings were all bells and whistles, that's not everyone case.

When I got married last century, I was very young and got married by JOP in a hurry. No church, no honeymoon, no gifts, no bridesmaids, no dress, no bouquet... just signed a piece of paper and that was it.

I'm divorced now, and I'm marrying the man of my dreams. He has never been married. This time I want a church wedding and a beatiful dress, fresh flowers and a reception. I never had that before. I want a small but elegant affair, I don' want any cliches associated with a traditional wedding (no ring bearer, no unitycandle, no guest book, no speeches etc.). I just want a fun party with great food and an open bar. I want to be a princess for a day too! I deserve it!


Good luck

Answer 7

Big weddings are fine for second marriages. Divorce rates are high - more than half or all marriages end in divorce & most of those people do go on to re-marry - why shouldn't they celebrate that new union with a big party with all the trimmings? Most likely this will be the one that lasts and they are paying for it! And if it's the groom's first time (and maybe only) doesn't he deserve that "lump in his throat" feeling when he sees his bride coming down the aisle? And to party with his friends and family? Get with it, it's 2007.

Answer 8

I think that the size of the ceremony should depend on what the groom wants. If he wants something big - then there should be a big wedding - after all, he's entitled to have the big special day, too!

I do, however, think that while the bride can wear whatever she wants to (i.e., white), I REALLY think she should steer clear of the big, foofy ball gowns and anything with a long train or a veil. (a sheath dress would be perfectly appropriate!). I also think it highly inappropriate for the bride to expect a big shower like first time brides get. To that end, if someone wanted to host a small lunch/dinner get together in her honor, that's appropriate! Kind of like what my family does when relatives are pregnant with their second baby - we don't have a formal shower, we just get together and have dinner and usually everyone will buy a small gift for mom & baby.

Answer 9

Most guys do not have the huge desire for the wedding fol de rol that girls do. I mean they go along with it but im sure they would be happy with a small and intimate wedding day. However , if a particular groom really desires it then he should have. I wonder why the statistics are that second marriages have a higher incidence of divorce though

Answer 10

So what if someone was previously married and they had the big white wedding? Even if both the bride and groom were previously married, this is their first time being married TO EACH OTHER. And they should have what they want.