really needing some advice, what would you do?

Question

I have a 2 yr. daughter, anyone who knows me would tell you that I am a good mother....except my in-laws. My daughter loves her grandparents to death, and my father in law will come and get her for a couple hours a day. He "tries" to be controling and overbearing, sometimes I just let it go to keep the peace. Today he really got under my skin and we had kind of a falling out. He came to pick up my daughter and seen that I had a hair dryer plugged in in my daughters room, he started saying that it didn't need to be plugged in and this and that, I blew him off and went about my way. When he brought her back he didn't say a word just walked in went in her room jerked it out of the wall, flew all over me!! I told him don't you think I know how to raise my own child, he said no, and we got into it, he left pretty quick. My problem is, I'm thinking of telling him that until he knows how to act in my house, he isn't picking my daughter up, does that sound mean, what would you do??

I just hate for my daughter to be in the middle of this, but I honestly don't think he's going to change if I don't.

You guys are asking about my husband, his point of view is, oh thats just dad, and on this one you shouldn't have had the blowdryer plugged in, which he is right, I was actually going to unplug it after I was finished using it. About my husband though, I have gotten used to handle these situations on my own during the years because he won't say anything, I just haven't threatened them with my daughter before, this is my last resort

Answer 1

You're her mother. Tell him that unless you can treat each other with mutual respect, he isn't welcome in your home.

Answer 2

I think, as frustrating as I'm sure this is, that that is not the way to go about fixing things. From what it sounds like, your daughter probably expects that time with her granddad- And I think it would be a bit harsh to keep a two year old away from her grandparents because of an argument you adults are having.

I think the most reasonable thing to do would be to sit down and have a talk with him, explaining that while he is in your house, you do not expect him to tell you how to mother your child, and that you have your family under control. That you appreciate him being part of his granddaughters life, but he cannot overrule what you do in your home.

That said, you may be overreacting slightly- He was probably just concerned for your two year olds safety, which is perfectly reasonable. You can let him know you understand why he did that, but you do not appreciate the way he handled the situation.

Answer 3

Truthfully, if you could have given a slightly better example, I would be leaning more towards your side. Why do you have a blow dryer plugged into a socket in your 2 year olds room? When he pointed it out, he may have went about it in the wrong way, but I can understand him pointing it out to you.

He may very well be overbearing. Try to understand it is out of love for his granddaughter. Let him know you appreciate the time they get to spend together, but that he does not have a right to come into your home and be rude to you about your own child. Nobody is perfect. I am positive that you meant no harm in the blow dryer being plugged in. It just is not a very good idea. If he is consistantly cutting you down though...you need to have a talk with him. Good Luck.

Answer 4

You said that you typically just let things go to keep peace, but maybe what you need to do is confront the problem now before this gets even more out of hand. Im not sure if witholding your daughter is the best solution. Perhaps you need to ask him to join you for lunch one afternoon, (at a restaraunt so that neither of you can begin yelling at the other) and talk with him about how he is making you feel. You are both adults and you should act accordingly...you NEED to act accordingly if you want to set an example for your daughter.

Good luck, don't let issues between you and your father in law dictate the relationship that your daughter has with her grandparents.

P.S. Don't drag your husband into this. While it may be his father, the problem is between you and your father-in-law. No need to cause more conflict.

Answer 5

Well he definately is in the wrong - talk to your husband and tell him to talk to your father-in-law. There is no need for him to yell at you like this.

I suppose he thinks it's his business since this is his son's child so he has a stake in this. His fear was that if the dryer was left on by accident it could start a fire. Now I am no expert, and I suppose this could happen, but just unplug everything when he comes over so he won't mention anything again. Or better yet, keep your daughter's room door shut, this way he can't look in.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

Well a 2 year old could..pull a hair dryer down or get tangled in the cord..or even manage to turn it on and leave it running.
He should have just said that to you.
There are a million things in a home that can be a danger..we can't always catch every one of them..but it still does not give anyone the right to "tell" you in a mean or overbearing way.
He said what he did tho out of caring for his Granddaughter...I'd just tell him you understand and that it is always hard to catch every little thing that can be a danger..and just tell him thank you for pointing it out.. but to try understand that you are her mom and you love her too and don't want to feel like you don't know what you are doing.

Answer 7

Just answered a question on two grandparents smoking in a house with two little grand kids in there.. filling their lungs all summer long with smoke. The aunt of these two kids was worried about the children's health and if to report it.

Your situation is the total opposite. These people actually care about your child's welfare. I guess he felt that it was not safe for the dryer to be plugged IN when the little girlie can have access to it. Years ago I left a ironing heater out and my little girl got burned with it when she was two years old.. Our little ones get into stuff before we can turn our backs... To this day i wish i had been more careful with things that can be dangerous with my little daughter

Is it the controlling attitude and the lack of regard that you do not like? You need to ask yourself this. If the grandparents were MONSTERS then your little girl would NOT love them as she does.. they are good to her and its a grandparent kinda thing to spoil the little grand kids...

I guess the bad chord that was hit was in the way he ranted in your home. Behaving as though you did not know how to care for your own child in your own house. This would unnerve any parent. But being tactful and wise in dealing with them is advised. Being straightforward regarding your expectation and roll as a parent as compared to theirs as a grandparent. The sole responsibility toward this little girl is yours...not theirs.

My daughters have only two grandparents.. One grandmother living abroad and my own mother. No grandfathers due to death. Its a blessing what you have my dear. I would not care if my father was controlling and overbearing just as long as he was alive to see my daughters. I was 2 yrs old when he died, never having him as a father..moreso my daughters having a grandfather.

Girlie.. these people in our lives are not in it forever. I think your father in law was upset because he saw the little grandaughter being burned with the heat of the hair dryer..or getting tangled in the long chord..
His WAY of delivering his concern sucked.. and you need to address it.. but i think that his heart was in the right place.

This is a funny magnet i read once from a grandparent..
" if i knew having grandkids was this great i'd have had them first"

All the best my dear


sandy

Answer 8

Where is your husband in all this? It's HIS responsibility to convey that you are a couple--a UNITED FRONT. You are raising your child with love and you would like them to be a part of your child's life but not at the expense that they are causing you to be uncomfortable in your own home. Now if that had been plugged in around a tub of water, then that may be a concern but at the point that you were right there with the child he has no room to jump all over you about it. I would talk with your husband and let him tell his parents 'what time it is...' so to speak =)

Answer 9

First and formost - you are raising YOUR daughter - you need to do what you think is right. Your in-laws should keep their mouths shut. If you were not able to feed your child or had no electricity/home, then that would be a different story.

If they don't respect you then that will rub off on your daughter. You absolutely have the right to set peramiters to limit contact with a negative infulence for your child, and his actions show that he is a negative influence.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

Whoa...you have in-laws you don't get along with and a husband who won't back you up. Two-part solution here...

First, absolutely you should limit your contact with him. Just say quite firmly that since the two of you obviously don't see eye-to-eye, that you think it would be better if he didn't come over until YOU give him further notice.

Second--drag your husband to counseling! His attitude is NOT going to help smooth things over; tell him that you think you both need some professional advice so that your child isn't deprived of her grandfather and your husband's not deprived of a wife.

Answer 11

OK first she is not to little to remember what is going on. It may not be obvious but things like this can and probably will end up effecting your daughter. If your in-laws are anything like mine where then I feel for you. How does your spouse respond to this? If it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to put an end to it. Explain that while your daughter loves them very much they are not teaching her values that you want, like anger management and respect. Tell them to bugger off until they can understand that she is your child and it is your house and you will not tolerate them disrespecting you.