How can I help my nephew? and my sister.?

Question

He is 22 years old now and since the age of 16 he has been behaving very agressive towards my sister. He started by slamming doors while upset and now he punches holes on the walls with his fist. He courses at his parents with really bad words. Is like he hates them.
He dropped out high school on 10th grade at the same time that he started playing Counter Strike all night long!!!, When my sister stopped the DSL he destroyed his computer and the monitor by crashing them against the wall.
He doesn't work and now he is starting to drink.
He treats his parents like crap and they both are very worried about him, because he shows (or fakes) suicidal behaviour.
He is the youngest and only son living at home with them. He was spoiled when he was a kid.
They don't know what to do about my nephew
How can I help!!!
Please ...this is serious!!!
It gets worst and worst day by day.

Answer 1

We humans are social animals. As such, all social animals have a hierchy of command. Its the same for monkeys, wolves, and such. There are some difference ofcourse but the general idea still hold true. In a family the parents are the leaders of the pack. The job of the parent is to teach their kids what good behavior and bad behavior is. Also as a parent it is their job to enforce the rules. You break the rules you pay the price. Simple as that. You play along and everything will be honky dory.

It is the packs leaders job to make sure he/she stays as the pack leader until that time comes when the offprings can go on their own and lead their own life. Note that the pack leader is not neccesarily the male. When I was living with my parents the pack leader was my mom. She said you do this and you did. She did not rule with an iron fist but she did it in such a way that let you know you where wrong. Other households have different leaders. There is always one dominant person. If there isn't then someone has to step up and take that role. The mate of the leader plays a big part too. For example in my household I am leadeer for somethings while my wife is the leader in others. I think she is strickter with the kids. I'm strickter with the money and other spending. The important thing is to understand that if she says No then I will back her up and say no too. This way the kids cannot play us against each other.

What happened at your sisters house is that no one took the pack leaders role. There where no boundaries defined. When the kid started testing the limits there was no policing the rules. He got away with a couple of things. So, he figure, if he got away with that, what else can I get away with. The result is what you see. Today in age it is a bit harder being a parent because it is seem sometimes that some behavior is frown upon. Every time you go protest somebody pulls the child abuse card. It is an importyant thing to protect children from child abuse. However, some people confuse child abuse with dicipline. If you beat your kid that is child abuse. However, if youyank his bicycle from his hands and he falls that is not child abuse. The thing that most people don't see is that the child was leaving the house without permision and nobody knew where he was. When confronted by the parents the child defy them and said he can do what ever he plases. People only see the yanking of the bike. I see dicipline. What the parent is saying is "NO!, this is not the way we do bussiness here. You now have lost your bike. The parent then throws the bike in the dumpster. It sounds harsh but the child will learn not to cross the parent again. He won't realise it however, untill a few days. When a few days have passed he will want to ride the bike but there is no bike to ride. The kids now thinks, my parents are bad and goes to complaint with them. Again, here is where the parents intervene again, The parents says to the kid, " no I am not a bad parent, the reason that you lost your bike was because you decided to disobey and go against the rules. Your actions could had gotten you hurt so it is my job to intervene and do what needs to be done. I am not your friend I am your parent. It is my job to ensure your safety and your well being. If you choose to to do different and if yuo think you are big enought to defy the rules then you are big enough to withstand the consequences". Ofcourse the child won't like the response but in a few days he will understand. The child broke the rules not the parent. The child insulted the parent. Consequence the child pays for his action. Pretty simple. The child will think more carefuly next time he gets crazy ideas.

Again, this did not happened in your sister home. In your sister home when the kid threw the computer at the wall it was the parent job to kick him out. He is 22 years old. By law the parents do not need to maintain him. He is an adult. If he destroy his room he can be considered a dangerous person. I would had played that card. I would had said, "This is my house, I pay for this house. The title of this house is under my name nit yours. You are an adult now and I no longer responsible for you. I do not have to feed you or give you money or give you a place to stay. I do it because I love you and care for you. However, you have overstepped some boundaries. I don't like your actions. As such I consider that you may become dangerous so, perhaps it is time for you to get your own place that you can destroy at will. Not on my home.

You see, in your sisters home there are no consequences. The kids does what ever he wants and nobody disagree. In that household the kid has become the pack leader. In your sister household the kid rule and the parents are there to serve him. Your sister needs to get tough. It is called tought love. Don't confuse tough love with hate. They are two different things. Tough love means that you are willing to help the person as long as the person is willing to cooperate and obey certain rules. Failure to follow the rules means you can terminate the contract. The contract can be anything. For example, he can play all the computer games he wants but, he has to pay for the DSL and keep the volume to an acceptable level. Thats a fair deal. He can choose to do it or not. He doesn't want to do it then thats fine. That is an acceptable option too. The problem for him though is that there is no longer DLS in the house. Another rule is the alcohol. You can make a rule that says no alcohol allowed in the house. Or at least no drunks in the house. Again a simple rule. He can accept or decline, but the idea is to set clear un anbiguous limits. Failure to comply means expulsion from the house. Notice how I said means and not may mean. May mean sounds ambiguous and it also says there might be exceptions to the rule. On the other hand he can pay for his room. Then he is allowed to have alcohol. Things of that nature.

What your sister must notice is that if he where to get out of the house and rent a room the land lord of the apatment will not stand for that bull crap. He either follows the landlords rule or he gets kicked out simple as that. Same with everything. You can speed through the highway at 150mph. However you will get a ticket at some point or worst yet kill yourself or kill someone else. It is simple, there are simple rules with clear cause and effect.

One thingnthat your sistem must understand is that a 22 year old is not a kid but an adult. If he chooces to become an alcoholic, a criminal or whatever it is his choice. He is old enough to choice. I'm not saying that he will end up that way. What I'm saying is that it is his choice to be whatever he wants to be. If for example it gets bad enough in your siuster's home that she needs to kick him out the she should kick him out withough worries. He decided to put himslef in a cituation where he got kicked out. Once he is out he can choose to do as he pleases. If he want to become a homeless person that is his choice. Sure it hurts to see a child that way but it is his choice not the parents. All a parent can do is tach a kid from right and wrong. Lead them and lend a helping hand. What ever they do after that is out of the parents hand. So, let him leave the house and see how well he fairs on the outside world with that atitude. He will be back home in less than a month I'll guarantee it.

Answer 2

Time to kick him to the curb. But from the sounds of it your sister probably won't do that. Probably too busy making excuses for him etc. If he dosen't work where does he get the money to drink? It is a parents job to teach their children how to stand on their own 2 feet but in this case it sounds like your sister dosen't give him credit for having a brain. She needs to get tough with him and tell him it's time to go. If he gets his act together and gets a job then if he still wants to stay there he has to pay rent and do his share of the cooking and cleaning etc. He needs to pay for any damages he has caused and replace anything he has broken while living there.She needs to stay tough about this and not give in when he throws a fit. He most definetely will do that cause she is about to take away her enabling behavior and he will not be able to manipulate her anymore. If he starts talking suicide then they need to call the police and report it. That will fix that problem because if he really is suicidal (which I doubt) they will make sure he gets the help he needs and if he isn't suicidal but just says that to control others behavior toward him he will learn that dosen't work anymore. What a brat. Be sure that your sister knows that if she gives in even one time she will have to start the process all over again and it will be even harder then because he will know she already gave in once. It will not happen overnight either because this behavior has probably been going on his entire life and he has been getting away with it.

Answer 3

How previous is your sisters nephew?? If he's in his Nineteen Thirties i'd chuck him out!! i assume we are speaking teenager right here. the only factor that rather some households now lack is a few form of communication. I incredibly have a teenager and in basic terms ten minutes an afternoon, one on one time, sitting down and speaking to one guy or woman can make certain rather some conflict. human beings sense extra understood in case you're taking an activity of their international and are much less probably to lash out at you. Does his mum spend that element with him? you will consistently get some sort of moods, or issues you do no longer agree on, yet once you take care of a teenager with the honour you want to recieve your self, and have ten minutes mutually with out disturbances, maximum issues would properly be resolved. i in my view wish this helps, Shell x

Answer 4

His parents are horrible.

Your environment greatly influences you and most of the time it influences you to become bad. It is up to your parents to make sure you understand which influences are bad. Apparently his parents didn't do jack.

So now he needs some serious help, anger management and psychological help. Also his parents need to FORCE him to get help because there is no way that he will agree to it. Just take away everything that he has except for food and a place to sleep.

Answer 5

Maybe you could bring a psychologist over to have an intervention and let him know that you are available and won't judge him if he ever wants to talk. Does he have friends?

Answer 6

kick him out and not let him run all over them!!!!!!!
that is what i would do!!!! oh and about the dropping out of school, i woul dhave put him in the detention center!!!
I am married, 22, and have 2 children