Do i have a right to be a little upset?

Question

My boyfriend, futute husband, does not want to have a wedding or get me a nice engagement ring. I have been dreaming about this my entire life and I never expected it to be this way. I understand weddings are lot of money which can be put to better use, like our families needs. I agreed to not really have a wedding even though its always been upsetting to me. I have been looking at wedding dresses my whole life and imagining what the day would be like. I figured since we were not having a wedding, some of that money could at least have been put to getting a nice ring but it doesnt seem like thats going to happen.
My boyfriend just says that for him, it will always be about his children and when it comes to getting something nice for me or our kids, they will always come first. I completly agree with that and respect that characteristic in him and I would always put my childrens needs before mine but that doesnt mean that I dont want to have nice things. Am i being selfish?

Answer 1

Uh, this is a deal-killer.
You're already starting into a marriage with resentment, whether you realize it or not.
Take a step back and take a hard look. Is he always going to get his way? It sounds to me like you don't have a healthy balance of power

Answer 2

You have a right to be a little upset. You've dreamed about the ring and the dress for a long time.

I think a marriage is about the relationship, not about the beautiful dress or a dazzling engagement ring.

You both really need to talk and come to a compromise. It sounds like he doesn't want to compromise, since you are fine about the wedding. Tell him if he doesn't want the engagement ring OR the wedding, he must agree on a very nice set of wedding bands for the both of you. HE has got to compromise on something.

Even if you don't have a huge wedding, you CAN still get a beautiful wedding dress! Whether you are married in the courthouse or Las Vegas or a very small ceremony at home.

Answer 3

These are my thoughts on the matter: you can have a smaller wedding and a smaller ring and still take care of your children if you budget. Wait a little longer to get married and save some money for a wedding and a nice, but not huge, ring. You can have a nice wedding without spending a lot of money: buy a used dress, do a lot of the decor yourself, cut down on guests, and don't expect something you would see on "Platinum Weddings". I'm not saying that you do, but these are ways to have your cake and eat it, too. And as far as having the money to buy your kids nice things, they also don't need to have everything they want. Too many people these days feel like they have to give their children everything they want in order to be good parents, when it's actually the opposite. Once again, I'm not saying that you do, but it's just a point I'm making. And on another note, you are the mother of his children and soon to be his wife, he should care about making you happy sometimes too! Just because you have kids, you shouldn't be a second class citizen. I have a son with my fiance and he comes first, but that doesn't mean that we can't occasionally have something nice! Our son is well taken care of, he has everything he needs and some things he doesn't, but we don't plan on depriving ourselves so he can have every possible toy and designer clothes.
I do want to ask however: does your fiance have a nice TV? Perhaps a game system? Nice car? And if so, what do you get?

Answer 4

Okay, so his children's needs will come before his. That's nice. But that doesn't and shouldn't mean that your needs and desires are never considered. You've been dreaming of a wedding all your life and were willing to put that aside, and now he doesn't even want to give you a nice ring?

I know money can be tight, and I agree that children should come first, but that doesn't mean you just blithely ignore every ceremony that has meaning for your partner.

Some friends of mine got married two years ago. They were flat broke and she has two children from a previous marriage. Were they able to hold a huge fancy wedding? No. Were they able to afford expensive rings? No. But they had a meaningful ceremony in his parents' backyard with her children involved. Even though the rings weren't expensive ones, they're lovely and chosen with care. What's more, the groom went out of his way to get a symbolic piece of jewelry for each of the kids to express his committment to them as well as to their mother.

The whole thing couldn't have cost more than five or six hundred dollars, but they had their friends with them, they have nice rings, and the kids were completely involved in the creation of a new family.

Rather than saying 'no wedding' couldn't he agree to something perhaps a bit smaller than you've been dreaming of, but still something you can share with your family and friends? Couldn't he at least see what you'd like in a ring and try to find a way to get you something similar?

Doesn't he understand that the wedding and the engagement ring aren't 'just for him' but for you as well...and could - with a little effort and imagination - be for the kids, too?

No, you're not being selfish. Unless there's barely enough money to feed and clothe everyone, I don't think it's too much to ask that something symbolic happen to celebrate an important event.

And if he can't even consider your feelings now, I'd seriously consider not sticking around to see how he treats you after your non-wedding.

Answer 5

Yeah, I would be really upset. But I wouldnt even get married if you are already holding some resentment towards him. Think about it, you will always think about how you didnt get a wedding or a ring. And you will always be upset about it. That is just me though, I was joking around telling my fiance I wouldnt accept less than a carat and my ring was exactly 1.00 carat and he doesnt even have a lot of money! I was shocked, I think if he truly loves you and wants to make you happy he would be able to do something for you that you really want, whether its a small, budget friendly wedding or at least an engagement ring! Its give and take, granted you have kids, but if he loves you, he would put you up there with the kids too. Good luck!

Answer 6

I dont think you are being selfish at all. Most women that I know have thought about what our wedding would be like for years. And its something big in everyones life, something to cherish. I know people dont Need a wedding, the fact that you love each other is enough, but there is just something about being able to wear a wedding dress, have your family and friends together to witness your love, have the music and cake and all that. If it is just a price issue you could do what my dad did on his 2nd and 3rd weddings and just have a minister come to your house, that way you dont have to pay for a church, you can wear whatever you want and its not expensive. As for the ring issue, I never got an engagement ring either, it didnt bother me too bad, hopefully you will et a wedding ring, altho I know that isnt all that important to many people, its whatever you believe. You should try to reach a compromise.

Answer 7

He is being selfish and controlling. Think about it. This will not change over the years, it will only get worse. Next he will b e choosing your friends and what job you have or dont have. Consider your own future first and delay any wedding until you are absolutely sure this is really the way you want to live your life. No marriage is better than a divorce later on or living for years trying to live up to someone elses expectations.

You can still have a beautiful wedding that is not all that expensive and you also can have a ring that is not that expensive.

I urge you to think about this long and hard before you make that final step.

Good Luck to you.

Answer 8

And what happens when the children grow up & establish lives of their own? What are the two of you going to have then?

While I agree that children come first, you also need to keep the marriage alive between the two of you as well. That's why it's WORK. And it sounds to me that this man really doesn't care about you or your feelings; a BIG red flag. I would s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y give it some thought as you whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. Because right now, he still has his "company manners' on; just wait 'til he gets comfortable with you!

The fact that you are willing to compromise and not have a large lavish & expensive wedding should count for something. And while you don't need a 6 carat ring on your finger, it is nice when a man finds you important enough to spend a little on you. It sounds like he isn't even willing to meet you part way. Another BIG red flag.

I don't believe in an ultimatium unless you are willing to follow through with what you say and accept the results of that ultimatium. But you need to make some decisions.

Answer 9

Okay this is what i would do.....
U definatally need a ring 2 get married...... and why not spend just a little bit more.. and u have 2 have a wedding... this is what i would do...
get a medium priced ring... leaning toward the inexpeniceve side..
and have a small family wedding..
with a pretty but kind of inexpenice wedding gown.. cause u will have this memory 4ever...
and then when u become more successful u buy a nicer ring 4 urself...
this is what i would do, and p.s. ur not being selfish, ur being a woman, and thats what girls do... hope this helped... and good luck...

Answer 10

I was in a relationship once where the guy's kid was everything and I was a mere after-thought. It sounds like you're a mere afterthought already. And maybe he's just using the excuse of kids in the future to be cheap and dismissive with you in the present.

I have a cousin who is quite frugal and got married for the second time. He had a nice wedding for the second wedding as well as the first b/c he didn't want to deny his partner the experience of having a wedding.

It appears you're doing ALL the compromising here, not him. I could see his side if your idea of a "nice" ring was 2 carats and his was say 1/2. But he wants you to have no wedding and no ring, and have your marriage be all about the kids. Sounds like he wants a baby factory instead of a wife.

Answer 11

He is being a bit selfish here, I mean you can have a wedding that does not cost the Earth, and seeing as you don't actually have kids yet it's not like you are taking food from their mouths by insisting you spend money that you don't have. He is being mean, and I don't think it is unreasonable to want a wedding. If you were a mother now I could understand his point a little bit, parents do make sacrifices for their children, but buying you a ring now is not really "stealing money" from them, he sounds very mean with money, and if he is mean about that then what else is he gonna be mean with?