What's the "rule" regarding ownership of an engagement ring after the relationship has gone sour?

Question

My live-in boyfriend of 5 years recently took the engagement from me.
I had told him on and off throughout our relationship that I had doubts about us, but we always tried to work it out. We were together for a while and were already practically married, living together, joint finances, bills, investments. He always has a knack for making things 'seem' better and alright. So I endured and continued on.

Over the past year, I've had plans to relocate back to my home state. I have a sick relative there and would like to spend as much time with her as I can while I still can. My boyfriend had made his own plans to move there with me as well.

We had a long talk, (one out of many) but this time it was for serious. I told him I wanted to move back much sooner than orginally planned, and I felt it was best if I went alone. I told him I was unsure if I wanted the relationship anymore and it would just makes things worse to drag him with me and us not prevail. As of late, I have had doubts regarding the marriage-to-be and whether we were really meant for eachother. I let him know all that was weighing on my mind and of my decision a few weeks ago. He hesitantly understood and it was left as that I would go back to my home state, we would be separated for a while but would keep the relationship on hold for the duration. The time away would not be used to find someone else, just to find myself.

Since the talk, we had been going along as a seemingly normal couple, with the thought and understanding of us being on this 'break' in the near future.

Two days ago, he jokingly pryed my ring off my finger and didn't return it to me. He said "you want to leave me? Then you don't need this".

I was shocked.

This ring was purchased a while ago for close to 10,000. We both had been there to pick it out and I had waited months anxiously for my surprise proposal. We had been engaged since last November.

After the whole fiasco, I told him I wouldn't have kept it anyway had I thought when I stepped on that plane that I would never see him again, never to return. I wasn't trying to screw anyone.

I feel upset and pissed off for what he did. Again, we had agreed that it was going to be temporary break to occur in 2 months. I would have used my away time to reflect on my life, our life together and to sort of 'fix' myself up, find myself, and to find my happiness within myself. To be close to my loved ones and build myself back up. I needed to be separated from him to find out if we were going to make it and if it was really meant to be.
I was with intentions of remaining engaged throughout this period.

Anyway, I bought a plane ticket leaving in 2 months. Enough time to save up enough money to be comfortable.
I am hurt. I feel like him taking the ring away like that was wrong. As far as I am concerned, we are NO longer engaged. I'm insulted. This makes me not even want to be with him at all.

Do I have a right to feel this way?

What's the 'rule' about engagement rings?

Thanks for reading.

TO GET THE RECORD STRAIGHT... I don't want the ring back, I just feel shafted and wronged by the way he took it away. If I had the "Screw you I'm outa here" feelings toward this situation, of course I would not keep it.

We do love each other, I probably always will. But he could have gone about it with a little more class. He ruined all the chances he had by pulling a stunt like that.

I just don't know what to do with the next 2 months of my life. Livin with him is going to be real fun.. :\ Thanks to the people who actually read and understood where I was coming from.

Answer 1

If he breaks up you get to keep the ring if you break it off it's his. Since you are not really broken up but he is using this a "game toy" then he's not ready to make that commitment so go home, live on your own, learn to grow and maybe he is the one for you maybe not. If he changes his mind and doesn't move to you then you know that it wasn't meant to be. This is a ploy for his control over you, move on I wouldn't want someone that has that much control over me.

Answer 2

Depending on the state you live in there are LAWS about this, so one of you could be sued over this pretty much. Google your state and you'll find out. However, regardless of what your state says I think the ring should ALWAYS go back to the man. An engagement ring is NOT a normal gift. It is a gift that carries with it a contract, that contract is to be married. If the marriage does not happen, you do not keep the ring, no matter who breaks it off. State by state will vary with things like if it was given on a gift giving holiday or your birthday, but I still stand by the idea that the man should get the ring back. It was his money and he bought it expecting you to become his wife. You wouldn't have taken the ring if you said no to the proposal would you? No. Therefore it is HIS ring until married. You have no right to be insulted that he took HIS PROPERTY back.

Answer 3

Etiquette wise, the ring should be returned if the engagement is called off, and I personally feel this to be true. However, in your situation the engagement was never formally called off, as I understand it. I would talk to your boyfriend/fiance and determine whether or not he considers your leaving to mean that you have definitely decided not to marry him. He may have interpreted your leaving and telling him that you are unsure of the relationship as you calling it off. Talk so that you both understand what is going on. Maybe he was worried that you would leave him and not return the ring, $10,000 is a lot of money. You could possibly agree to leave the ring with him and if you decide to stay together he can give it back to you over a romantic dinner, almost like a second proposal and a new start. If not, the ring should return to him anyways. Good luck and my condolences on your ailing relative.

Answer 4

You wrote:
"I told him I wanted to move back much sooner than originally planned, and I felt it was best if I went alone. I told him I was unsure if I wanted the relationship anymore and it would just makes things worse to drag him with me"

I think he was correct in taking the ring back. I think it would have been gracious of you to offer him the ring when telling him the above.

Judging only from what you have written, the engagement sounds too on again, off again. A real engagement means commitment. It is not on one day and off the next.

I think you should move as scheduled. Concentrate on caring for the sick family member. Give yourself a break. Don't worry about this relationship for awhile. Let it go. Don't get into any male/female relationship for awhile. Concentrate on the ailing family member.

And good luck to you.

Answer 5

Rules or law.

Proper etiquette, you should have handed him the ring when you said you want time away from him. I took it as you breaking the engagement when you needed to be away from him. That is not normal engaged behavior.
Finding yourself means you can not commit to him at this time.

The laws differ, many locales consider it a conditional gift that should be returned no matter who breaks up with who. In some it depends on the break up, in one state it is always considered a gift and does not need to be returned.

You have to realize you hurt him and he struck back and took the ring. And I am sorry he hurt you back, but try to see things from his viewpoint. People make mistakes, but hopefully they grow from it.

Answer 6

Legally, an engagement ring is a "contingency gift", contingent upon "marriage" not on the date it was given as some of your responders have indicated. You have to be married to keep it, otherwise it legally belongs to your fiance. You've already made it very clear that you are wishy washy about your relationship, so I don't blame your fiance from trying to get back his investment property. However, if you were married and your husband tried to pull off your wedding ring, then YOU would be legally entitled to the value of that ring back, plus you could have him jailed for assault. If you were not married and you tried to keep that ring, you would be violating the law and your fiance could sue you and EASILY win for the value of that ring. Be careful about the info that you are receiving on yahoo. Always double check with an attorney.

Answer 7

In my opinion the rules on this may differ than what I believe, so take it for what it's worth--he's got the ring, he's not giving it back, don't beg or threaten, it's not worth it. If the ring was still on your finger, I wouldn't give it back. But since he had it in his mind that he was getting that ring off your finger, then it's time to say , adios, and move on. When things are not going right before the vows are said, they won't get any better after the wedding, they usually get worse. Just my opinion.

Answer 8

Good for him. An engagement ring is not a gift in the regular sense, but rather a symbol of the promise to get married. You should have just given the ring back nicely.
Things just went wrong between you, and just leave it at that.

Answer 9

By law, if he ends relationship it is your choice to keep the ring or give it back. If you end it, he gets the ring and since you're the one leaving... If you really want to end the relationship, why do you want to keep the ring? When my ex and I broke up I didn't want anything of his. When it comes down to it, he paid for the ring and you have no claim over it. What would you do with it anyway? Sure you could sell it but you will never get much money out of it.

Answer 10

Technically, if he calls off the engagement, you can do whatever you want with the ring. If you call it off, you have to return it.
But from your story, it seems that both of you have had doubts, almost like the engagement was on hold. I would feel like the engagement is over if he took the ring back, too. Maybe he feels like the relationship is over, or feels vulnerable being *engaged* when hes not sure if he really is? Talk to him.

Answer 11

I believe the ring would belong to the giver if you are just engaged and not yet married., but he is being an incredible ***.
But I think too asking him to give it back would be tacky, and probably wouldn't get you anywhere anyway.
Be grateful you had the opportunity to see through him.
So, hop on that plane- with or without the ring- and don't look back. Stick to your guns, best wishes for the future.