Why is my mother in law such a . . .?

Question

I am a stay at home mom of 4, two teens from my first marriage and twins (3 yrs) in my current marriage. My husband truck drives, is rarely home, so I could stay home with twins. His parents, live only an hour away, retired, financially fit, and only her active in church, no other activities or clubs. They constantly make un-needed home "repairs" to fill their time. They have seriously only been to our house, as I feel I should not have to travel with twins to them, like 8 times, this includes the 2 times they came to the NICU when they were born. We have been there the same amount of times, due to Thanksgiving/Christmas. Her oldest and seemingly only grandson, 20 with no job, is her shining star. Anyway, my mother in law informed me in a phone call that my twins should be potty trained, she trained her shining star at 18 months because his mom was too lazy. So was she indicating she thinks I'm lazy? She has no idea how hard I work all day! SAHMs work more than an outside job!

So what should I have said to her? My husband said I should have said, "Anytime you want to come down and help, feel free". Also they have NEVER offered to watch their own two grandkinds, even when my own father died and we had to get our neighbor to watch them so we could be at his funeral and not have to try to make two little ones behave during it. My own mother does watch them when I have to go places, such as dentist or doctor for myself.

Shining star grandson's mother is divorced from my husband's brother, and it was the worst divorce in history. As my husband's brother did not even retain the right to our earth's oxygen. And with the $114 per month he gave her in child support, she didn't spend it right. $114 isn't enough to feed a cat on.

Answer 1

I know how you feel, my inlaws are a lot like yours. First off, don't worry about their uninvolvement - it's probably for the best. If they choose not to come around and be involved, it's their loss, and don't try to convince them to come over. You don't need them. If they make you feel crappy - dont' associate with them, other than saying Hi and Bye. I know it is hurtful, and mean that they play favorites, and that they try to dictate to you that your kids need to be potty trained, etc, but it doesn't make it right. There is no need for rudeness, she doesn't understand the sacrifices you have made as a mother, and she probably never will. Don't try to look for their approval of anything, they simply are not worth it. I've personally learned to keep conversations with mine to a minimum, and talk about off the wall things when then inquire what is going on. I keep phone conversations down to 5 minutes or less, and I don't invite them over for dinner, and this year, I'm limiting holiday time, because they are treating us badly. See in my situation, my in laws live less than 3 miles away, which makes it worse, because they have no excuse as to NOT stop over and see their grandchildren. They CHOOSE not too, and I just accept the fact that is who they are. Everything is about themselves. So, know that you are a wonderful mom with 4 amazing children, doing the best that you can, and relying on no one! That is something to be proud of, and don't EVER let them make you feel any less, they should be ashamed of themselves. Hang in there, fellow stay at home mom! :0)

Answer 2

You have my complete sympathy. I have put up with a mother-in-law like this for over 24 years. It doesn't get better believe me. I wish I was as perfect as she preceives herself. The funny thing is that when my husband was a child she really wasn't the perfect mother she likes to lead others to believe. Your in-law may have a guilty conscience and is projecting this "mother of the year" front to make herself feel better.

As I got older I developed a mouth. Take your husband's advice and call her on comments like she made. This can be done in a "loving" but firm way.

The shining star grandson probably has a mother that kisses the grandmother's a##. We had to put up with that situation also.

You are not lazy! If you let her define your self worth than you have allowed her to win at her little game. Don't fall into this trap.

I personally wanted to limit the amount of time my girls spent with their grandmother because she was and still is warped. I never belittled her to my kids though. When they grew up they formed their own opinion which is, "Granny is okay in very small doses."

Good luck and hang in there!

Answer 3

I know how it is i am a stay at home mother too and i get crap for it all the time my husbands mother talks behind my back and then tells me how to raise my kids. I think your husband is right tell her if she wants to train the kids to potty train tell her to come help you cause your only one person and your doing alot right now and when your done with another thing something with the kids always comes up. So i do understand your hard working mother who has alot on your plate and we mothers never get anough appreciation. So when your ready to potty train your kids do it dont make your mother in law tell you what to do your doing a great job and your husband had a great answer to tell her. So what i can say is mother in laws are always pains in the butt!!!

Answer 4

well you're not going to change her or how she behaves so I'd suggest just dealing with it.
Only you have the power to learn ignore her critical comments and learn how to not have them affect you and your feelings.

It takes effort to learn this but in order for your H to have some kind of relationship with his parents... best you learn how to let it wash over you.

If anyone has to say anything, it will be your husband who will you hope stick up for your when the time comes.

Now... have you asked her to babysit? Maybe she assumes your mom is the prime and you are not interested in having her come up Some people need to be asked... and won't volunteer... If you ask and she says no... then you have your answer. If you ask and gives you a story and a half =- again, you have your answer.

Hope this helps.

Answer 5

In laws, no matter what you could possibly say would make a difference. When the kids are ready to be potty trained you and they will know. Don't rush anything. It will all work out. Be thankful they don't live any closer.

Answer 6

I would be polite to her, but ignore anything she has to say. If she brings it up again, inform her that the twins will be potty trained in time to go to college. You don't have to defend yourself to her, you know you are doing a good job(if you know your not then change ). If you make your husband happy, thats all that matters.

Answer 7

I'm with your hus. If she mentions it again, or says something about you coming to them, say, "I thought you were planning on coming to our house to help me teach the twins how to use the potty?" BTW, sometimes it is hard to teach them to go on the potty. However, it should be done positively (never fuss at them for making a mistake) and consistently. Teaching them at her house would be futile. They need to learn at home or they will come back and revert to using diapers at home. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 8

your husbands response was just perfect
stand up for yourself and dont be afraid to say things like that!
as long as your not beeing flat out rude, that is a perfect response.
or say the twins would love to see you guys more.

Answer 9

Sheila....

Perhaps it is BEST... that they live THAT FAR AWAY!

Don't take it Personally..... NOT ALL THOSE IN ADULT BODIES...... Are.... ADULT!

By the way... I was pottie Trained... BEFORE MY FIRST BIRTHDAY..... by a Stay At Home... MOTHER! Not only that, my Siblings are TWINS!

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Thanks, RR

Answer 10

Answer her "I'm from Missouri, show me!"