should I spend the rest of my life with?

Question

well I've been married for 2 years now and i love my husband but the thing is he has a very bad temper. I mean when we get into arguments that don't seem like a big deal, well he either throws our stuff around or just smashes it into pieces and he also never really wants to talk about the problem. i know its hard to talk right then and there when you have so much anger but he just puts it aside for days and tells me to my face that he doesn't care what happens. then after days go by he feels well and starts hugging me like nothing ever happened and he still doesnt want to talk about the problem. he has never laid a hand on me but im afraid if i stay with him and he doesnt change he eventually will. im afraid to end my marraige and say to my family that it was a failure most of all im afraid i will never find a love again. he always disconnects the tv when he's mad and says i cant watch it i mean is that wrong what should i do?

Answer 1

Oh I am so sorry you are going through this. I can totally understand what you said about your family. It is tough to go back to your roots after feeling like a failure. The truth is, you are not a failure. You fell in love with someone. You didn't fail, you just opened your heart up to someone who doesn't deserve you. Don't feel down hearted because you feel like you made a mistake. Be uplifted that you know how to love without limits. If you are truly afraid of him please be strong and go back to your family. If you can love so unconditionally you had to have learned it somewhere. They could be a great help to you. You don't deserve to be punished for your love. He doesn't deserve you. Do what is in your heart, and take care of yourself. You can't just give and give yourself away or you won't have anything left. Find someone who will love you the way YOU need to be loved. I heard a saying once..."just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to doesn't mean that they don't love you the best that they know how" THIS SAYING IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You deserve to be loved how you need to and want to be loved. Just be strong enough to realize this for yourself.

Answer 2

You're afraid that you might never find love again? This almost made me smile. Because what you're having now isn't love anyway. It's temper and fear and possessiveness and intimidation and victimhood and walking on eggshells and being afraid that some time soon he won't just smash a vase but smash your nose. Yes, this sounds harsh, but it's a real possibility - you know that youself already and don't need anyone telling you this.

So your question about finding love "again" should really be "will I find true love, ever?" Plain and simple. (Answer: Yes, you will find true love!!!).

Your family doesn't care about your marital status. They care about YOU. And I bet they will support you if you talk to them. My guess is that you would be overwhelmed by the strong support you would get from them. I don't know how old you are, but my advice would be do not waste your precious years with someone who harrasses you (I mean, unplug the TV? Come on!!!).
Also, you might want to have children some day. With someone who treats them nicely. I hate to bring this up but.... (depending on how old you are), we women unfortunately have a "fertility window". Use those years to find a nice guy. There are plenty of them out there.

Good luck!

Answer 3

You have married a controlling bully and they are difficult to deal with. Most times if you would want to leave the marriage he isn't going to let you. He will say when the marriage is over and not you. Don't get pregnant thinking things will get better because they will only get worse. Didn't you see how angry and mean he was when you were dating? You are right. Eventually he will hit you and hopefully it won't escalate to him killing you. You need to get some help. You may need to go to a Rape and Abuse Crisis Center in your city to live until you can divorce him and move out. Good luck.

Answer 4

My husband has anger management issues as well. What you do is up to you, but you may want to seek counseling first. He can learn to control his anger better.

However, it takes a bit to get him to recognize there is an issue. You need to bring up the issue when he is in a good mood. Explain to him that you feel threatened, and don't know if you are in the relationship any more because you love him, or because you are afraid to leave him.

Try to get him to join you in counselling. See if he is willing to recognize that he has anger management issues or not.

If you can never get to the point that he recognizes the issues, then you need to leave for your own safety.

Answer 5

You can't be a American woman I just can't believe that there are still women out there like you.To let a man control you like he does and to punish you like you been a bad girl so no TV for you tonight. My god woman what is it going to take for you to see that this man will turn his anger on you and he will have you so frightened of him you won't no who to talk to or turn to for help.You think what the two of you have is love well it's obvious you never felt real love before because if you had i grantee you wouldn't be with him. Real love is when you feel safe in his arms when he holds you. Real love is when you two can turn to one another for help and support when needed.When you look in each others eyes and know that this person loves you and will do anything for you.Love is having fun together and you are best friends who turn to each other when you feel down and you need someone to talk to. If you can truly say you feel that and have that together then you two are meant to be together but if you don't have that then you are with the wrong man. Don't think that the longer you stay together it will grow into that because it won't it will only get worse. If you don't have that in the beginning then it's over before it even started.

Answer 6

Your fear is natural, and a God-send! His breaking things is a form of emotional abuse, and, telling you that you can't watch the tv is a serious control issue. Please read about domestic violence. Men don't just one day beat their spouses. It is a build up, and, it starts with breaking things and trying to scare or intimidate you. This is serious.

Don't worry about "failing" your marriage. You are not the one that has failed. He has. As far as love, it is wonderful. You have many opportunities to love again, and, hopefully next time will choose a man that isn't dangerous.

Best wishes!

Answer 7

He needs to get control of his temper. I am sorry you are going through this. I just copied and pasted some info on controlling and abusive partners. This might help you as well. Oh and one other thing...you don't want your family to think it was a failure, but I am sure they would rather you leave the situation than stay there and be abused...look over this info, okay? Hope this helps and good luck to you.

Controlling and abusive relationships do not have to include violence but frequently do. Often the control exists through intimidation and threats. These can include:

Threat of negative social, employment, or academic consequences
Threat to harm family, friends, or loved ones
Threat of physical violence
Threat of financial instability (eg. removal of financial support, forcing one out on their own, identity theft, causing financial indebtedness)
Threat of blackmail
Threat of isolation (eg. "you are nothing without me", "no one will believe you anyway", "you'll have nowhere to go and no one to turn to")
Understanding the Cycle of Violence in Unhealthy Relationships

Signs can be difficult to recognize, especially from within a relationship. Friends, family members, and colleagues are often the first to notice signs of being in a controlling and abusive relationship. So it is important to listen to them with an open mind if something is said. Some of the signs of being in a controlling and abusive relationship include:
Frequent stress and unhappiness in relationship, often accompanied by a reluctance to openly discuss the problems out of fear or sense of indebtedness/obligation
Feeling obligated to do things that you are uncomfortable with or would normally be unwilling to do
Frequently not feeling able to freely state your mind on matters of importance to you
Frequently being criticized or put down by your relationship partner
Frequently not being allowed to decide how you will spend time with your relationship partner
Frequently not being allowed to decide on independent activities to do by yourself
Frequently not being allowed to spend time on your own or with others, including friends and family
Frequently being checked up on when you are away or with others
Friends, family members, and colleagues question your health and well-being or the health of your relationshp
Friends, family members, and colleagues comment on how your relationship has had a distinct negative effect on your personal demeanor, self esteem, work, social activities, and/or relationship with others
Not having your physical or sexual boundaries respected, leading to physical and/or sexual abuse
Being physically abused through even a single act of violence (Regardless of what you may think you did to deserve it, no one deserves to be abused!)

How do I know if I am in an unhealthy relationship?
Does my partner ever kick, hit, shove or slap me?
Does my partner threaten to hurt me or my family and friends?
Does my date insult me or verbally attack me?
Does my partner get jealous when I spend time with my friends?
Does my partner abuse alcohol or other drugs?
Does my partner ever threaten to commit suicide if I leave the relationship?
Am I afraid to disagree with my partner?
Do I avoid seeing friends because I’m fearful that my partner will get angry?
If you answered “yes” to any one of these questions or recognize any of the above signs as pertaining to your own situation, you may be in an abusive relationship.