divorced moms please help this divorced dad?

Question

been divorced for 6 yrs with joint custody of 2 small children.My exwife did not take the divorce well and our children are "her life"now.The problem is i just got remarried(which she did not take well) and don't want any "problems" for my children.What i mean is my ex is very possessive and i don't know how she will react to anouther women with our children.So my question to all you moms is how should my new wife behave with my children?should we raise them together when we have them or should i raise them with my exwife and my new wife just take a backseat?What would piss you off as an exwife?

Answer 1

Don't worry so much about making your ex-wife angry. Worry more about what is less confusing for the kids.

You and your ex-wife should be raising the children as they are your children - not because you don't want to piss her off.

However, when the children are in your house, they should follow household rules and learn to respect and listen to your current wife. She is your partner, and you should listen to her and consider her feelings (along with your feelings, the kids feelings etc. ) with every decision you make regarding those kids.

Answer 2

I dont know the reasons for the divorce (someone cheated, irreconcilable differences etc), but it sounds like your ex-wife is very bitter with you. However, she needs to realize that life goes on and you will make a new life with someone else. She needs to get over it already its been 6 years. She is being selfish to use the children as pawns in order to keep control over you.

If I were you I would try to comply with reasonable demands she has but I would stand my ground with her on the issues that you think are unfair. Remind her that you do have joint custody and that you will not allow her to use your children as a way for her to take her bitterness and anger out on you. What kind of a father would you be if you allow her to hurt your children in this process, and she is not a good mother if she would do that to her own children either.

As for the new wife, she is a part of your family now which includes your children. She deserves no less than full respect from your children. When they are in your home then they should abide by your and your new wifes rules. There will be situations that will come up where only you and your ex-wife should handle. The new wife should realize when it is time to take a step back and not interfere. You will have to be the one to know when some of these situations arise also and if need be ask the new wife to please let you handle it.

Your new wife will never take the place of your childrens mother, nor should she want to. Make this clear to both the ex-wife and the new wife. But also make it clear to them that any major decisions about the children will be made between the you and the ex but that at times your new wife will have the responsibility of caring for the children and at those times her opinion has to be considered also.

Sounds like you have a long hard road ahead of you. I wish you well and hope that the ex-wife soon meets someone else also so that she can once again be happy and not concentrate on being in control of your life.

Remember if all else fails call Dr. Phil. Good luck!

Answer 3

What would piss me off the most as an exwife would be that your new wife is not a caring, loving woman to my kids. Don't cut your new wife out of the kids lives. Consider her as another person to show your children love. They can't get too much of that. As long as she is good to your kids, your exwife should be grateful. If you don't know how she is going to react, give it some time and find out. Hopefully she will be mature about this and let you live your life happily. Boy, do I really wish you a lot of luck with your situation, for all lives concerned.

Answer 4

Bless your heart, John D. I can tell you are a really good Dad that just wants a happy life and happy kids. I have never been divorced, but I have a blended family and am my husband's 2nd wife. I have 2 kids and my oldest daughter has 5 siblings from her Dad. I don't know the answer, but the kids biological Mom should get some counselling to accept change in her life. You should be firm but direct in dealing with her. Her possessiveness sounds like FEAR to me. FEAR, mistrust, jealousy, bitterness and brokenheartedness, but BLESS YOUR HEART, you were too kind to call it those things.

If God forbid I were an exwife, what would piss me off would be:
1. Non communication for all parents.
2. Manipulating the kids for selfish gain
3. Arguing from ANY ADULT in front of the kids
4. Not getting calls from my kids or not being able to reach my kids when they're with their Dad and/or their step Mom... Moms are CRAAAZY when we don't know where/how our kids are
5. The Dad badmouthing the Mom (me) in ANY WAY. That's just immature.

Peace. I pray it all works well and in the best interests of the innocent precious kids.
God Bless.

Answer 5

OMG I just went through this. My ex and I have joint custody of our son . He got remarried last year and I have had issues with his new wife not knowing her boundaries. She has two children of her own but insists my son call her mommy as well. Make sure your new wife is very much a mother figure in your home but all the major decisions in your childrens lives(school, sports,etc...) that include your ex wife the current wife should take a backseat and let the two of you work out. Make sure your wife doesnt have your children calling her mommy they already have one. The ex may feel insecure like the new wife is trying to replace her in your kids life. It will get easier but at first its a bit unnerving to think of another woman in your childs life.

Answer 6

Ok I have been in both spots as an exwife and the step mom. As long as the new wife respects the fact that the first wife is there mom and the new wife is the step mom there should be no problems. Just make sure that your new wife doesnt' try to take your first wifes spot when it comes to the kids,

Answer 7

although i am not an ex wife or whatever i am the 17 yr old daughter of one and now shes married and expecting again believe it or not... but any ways i guess in a way i could say that i know how your feeling or i know how the people involed in this situation can be feeling.

for my mom what did piss her off is that for a while, she had not even met my now step mom in person nor did she know who she really was or where she lived or any of those personal things. i guess you can say that my mom felt like someone was trying to (i guess in her eyes) takeover what she had originally started. so i think that its only natural for the bio mom to feel the way she does bc she gave life to you alls children. my situation may be alot different than yours but im trying to relate to as best as i can. you see my mom remarried and we moved outta state, then the next summer my dad remarried to a women that had 3 kids of her own and theres also 3 kids from my bio mom and im the eldest outta all of them so i kinda experienced everything head on. but i guess the best advice that i could give you is to COMMUNICATE! i say that bc now that my parents are both remarried they have spoke more to each other than they have in what seems like forever! but i think that everyone should be included in the upbringing of your children. but...your still on that rocky road, i know where you stand ! i think that you should talk to your new wife and let her know that she cant go over the top with parenting bc your kids still have their bio mother and your new wife is not replacing their mother but, its simply a privalage to have an extra parent bc most kids dont even grow up with two parents any more. but the truth is, that your ex will be possessive at times i see it in both of my parents but if they care enough abt the kids then it shouldnt be too hard for everyone come to their senses. whatever you do dont put any one in the backseat. id give you like a kazillion kudos for being a man and caring for your children and family the way you do things like this are usually comming from a women but i wish you the best of luck and i pray that things work out for you...my mom told me that everything happens for a reason, if nothing bad ever happens in peoples lives, then how would the world ever know what good is!

God Bless! i hope this helped you a little bit

Answer 8

John first of all don't toss your new wife in the back seat. Of course their mother will still be their mother but as adults you need to all get along for the children's sake. Your ex wife is already pissed off(maybe because she still cares for you) so why go for double trouble and piss off the new wife and have another ex before too long!

Answer 9

Your new wife has just as much right to be part of their life. Just dont let her set any rules that would over ride the ex just yet. She should absolutely be part of the process just remember she is the step mom and aslong as she never says anything bad about their mom ever, the kids should love her and the ex will just have to deal with it. theres nothing she can do. Just try not to interact with her if possible,

Answer 10

You're puting your children in the middle. (actually your ex is and thats not where they should be.)
They aren't her life, she needs one of her own and is blaming YOU for not giving her one...(thats HER problem.) So what you really ought to do, is ALL go to counseling. (ex's, children, steps, whatever...) Get it all out in the open and talk like adults ( the adults you should be and aren't, because you're too busy blaming each other...and no I'm not taking sides here..)
What you adults do to each other is one thing, but leave the kids out of your messes...(they have enough problems growing up as it is...)

So pick a Dr or counselor that you like, set up regular meetings (and actually get there no excuses...) you all need some help.