my wife refuses to let go of her ex boyfriend who is married & she thinks i should be ok with it what shd i do

Question

she always puts him first before me & she doesn't seem to care that i'm not ok with that & that it hurts my feelings very much! he still buys her things like expensive jewelry etc... and she seems to think that it shouldn't bother me at all! when i tell her that i'm not ok with it and that it hurts my feelings she always tries to turn it around and try and say it's my fault or she will try and find something that i've done wrong etc.. i love my wife very much so how can i make her see just how much she is breaking my heart and that what she is doing is wrong?

Answer 1

It's not ok at all that her ex-boyfriend who now has a wife of his own is buying her expensive things and she's actually accepting them. She needs to let go of him because she's married now too. Nothing good will come of this kind of relationship between them. If she's happy in your marriage, she wouldn't even want anything to do with her ex. You need to come right out and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you feel she's not happy in the marriage for needing to have this kind of relationship with her ex. If she doesn't change her ways, then you need to be strong and give her an ultimatum. That will make her stop doing this if she really loves you and wants to remain with you. I'm sorry you have to go through this..I know what it feels like to feel like you're second to someone else. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and your wife!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Dude this isn't going to be fun helping you out here but I think you deserve a response. Her ex-boyfriend is a destroyer being a player. Once your married you two have to establish you and me not you me and the other guy. The first question that comes to mind is this: Is the exboyfriends spouse aware of any of this? If not then you lost your wife because apparently she isn't giving him the loving in that relationship. Sometimes there are swingers and they don't care as a couple and that isn't good either because they have no boundaries and that messes a lot of things up.

Nothing wrong with having friends but there are boundaries to marriage = vows and ex flings especially buying things is a big no no! Your in a classic lose lose situation and hope to God you don't have any children at this point.

I'm not a proponent of divorce but in this case start filing the paperwork before she hurts you even more. You may be in a the hurt locker of your heart but if you can prove infidelity you can get out of that situation real quick!

In fact you may want to try Cheaters.com and see how far she really is going with this guy to get any evidence. They would help you out tremendously even with counseling etc.. .

She is going to play you like a fiddle because she isn't the same person in love with you and punishing you as she cheats is a response she is trying to play the guilt off on you for her bad actions.

you said

"when i tell her that i'm not ok with it and that it hurts my feelings she always tries to turn it around and try and say it's my fault or she will try and find something that i've done wrong etc.. "

Your defending your marriage and there is nothing wrong or dishonorable about that while she is letting it go! My suggestion is to contact Cheaters.com and contact a lawyer to get the paperwork typed up and ready.

Good luck to you and remember ths there is over 6 billion people on the planet so she isn't the only one out there for you! Sometimes bad things happen for a good reason to move forward and they are never easy to accept.

Answer 4

Most miss the two folds of love. One is to hang on and never let go and the other is to let go if the object of the love desires to be let go of.

I suggest you express your deep love by letting go completely of your wife and set her free Just tell her you do love her so much you must not be a hindrance to her happiness, walk out and go on with your life. To do this you must then burn the bridge between you and absolutely close the door.

I am sorry but in my view if you can not do that then your love is not the true deep love that you are expressing in your words posted.

I do not ask others to agree with me, but I went through a similar situation personally, walked away about 20 years ago after 28 years of unity. I took my Bible, $20.00 dollars and started all over. I left everything we had accumulated with the wife as proof of my love and concern for her welfare. It was the greatest decision I ever made in my life as I now see it today.

Answer 5

you shouldn't have married someone who still openly has feelins for her ex!!!! I could never stay with someone that clearly puts someone else ahead of me and doesn't care about my feelings... you know you love her, but does she love and respect you back? It takes two to tango!

PS: just like many other prople I strongly agree that you shouldn't confront the other guy, the poblem is your wife. If its not him it could be any other guy, it's your wife's job to make sure that she doesn't allow ppl to break the boundaries of your marriage. i have guys hitting on me left and right even though they know I'm engaged, but I just say NO THANK YOU!

I once worked at a company and my boss had a crush on me, on my bday he bought me a Gucci purse for $1000, I noticed that it bothered by boyfriend so the next day I gaveit away to my sister. I would have returned it to my boss but at the time I was working there and I did'nt want to create a scene... after a while he asked me how come I don't wear that purseand I told him that I gave the purse away because it would create poblems in my relationship.

You should respect yourself and move on.

Answer 6

i hate to disagree with everyone, but...

at the time I first hit post, all the users above me were saying they thought it was improper, but nobody said it's ALREADY done and time to get out now.

then I posted mine, and ladyphoenix's post right above me said it.

vote for either me, or ladyphoenix. : )

if you have repeatedly ask her to stop, and she has repeatedly blown you off... in something that's a major no-no issue an ANY marriage... then there's already too much damage done to save this one, in my opinion.

and when you try to say something, she blames it on YOU?

dude, she is so far in the wrong on this one that it's not even funny. and since she's figured out a way to keep doing this even after told it makes you uncomfortable, to me, that is abusive, and shows a total disregard and disrespect for you. deep enough that therapy and/or talking and/or anything else will never set right.

even if you ask her to make a choice, no matter what her decision that she tells you, you still won't be able to trust her, because she's already shown a very callous disregard for you and your marriage.

FLIP THIS AROUND... AND IMAGINE THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS MARRIED TO A NEW STEPFATHER, AND HE WAS DOING THIS KIND OF STUFF TO HER FOR THE SAME LENGTH OF TIME YOU'RE GIRL'S BEEN PLAYING YOU... AND YOUR MOTHER CAME TO YOU FOR ADVICE... WHAT WOULD YOU TELL HER??? take some time and walk through that scenario in your mind... it seems pretty obvious what the answer is.

you love your wife dearly... but she doesn't deserve it. she's playing you, and not just a little, a LOT. and has been for a while.

okay, I haven't really answered your main question... "what can i do to make her see...?" ready for the answer? NOTHING! what she is doing IS wrong, and she just doesn't give a flying hoot that she's hurting you. and it really doesn't matter why she doesn't understand it... insensitivity and negligence of your feelings on that level... she is never going to get it.

so you either need to decide if you're going to let yourself get walked on for 2, or 7, or 55 more years... or you can walk away. and no trial separation, either... she'll just twist things around, and you'll be back for round 2 in no time, but she'll still treat you like ****.

i know what i'd do... there's a lot of fish in the sea, and almost anything would be better than what you've got. and if you take your time (and know where to draw the line to keep people from abusing you), you can do much, MUCH better. : )

and good luck!

Answer 7

She's having her cake and eating it, too. Chances are she's sleeping with him still. I went through a similar situation with my ex! Every time I wanted to talk about her attitude or behavior or changes in her habits (all of which indicated infidelity and disinterest in me), she turned it around and made it a discussion of my faults, mainly that I was paranoid, mistrusting, and obsessed with her! Imagine a wife complaining that her husband is obsessed with her!!! It's insane!!! She made everything my fault. I found out she was cheating on me and had been for several years with several partners.
You need to stop looking at her through rose- colored glasses and see her for who (and WHAT) she is! She doesn't love you. Say what she may, what do her actions prove? If she treats you like "second fiddle" then she doesn't love and respect you! Don't keep making excuses for her in your mind- you know I'm telling the truth! Now, what are you going to do about it!?

Answer 8

i agree with jeanette on this one. make her choose. here is an idea...try and be a little less 'whiny' and more 'ticked off' where she is concerned. you inadvertently allow this to continue. first of all, does he have agf/ wife. maybe you should let her know about this crap. as for the wife, i would tell here that if she doesnt put an end to it, with you there watching her moves, then obviously you will leave. you love her? im sorry guy but this is complete self disrespect and no one should put up with that. only one person can change this situation my friend...and that person is you. got the back bone for it? good luck!

Answer 9

My first thought was to talk to the boyfriend but then I realized that your wife was the problem and not him.Your wife is putting another man before you,don't take this nonsense,only your children should come before you .In my opinion this is grounds for divorce,she knows what she is doing to you and she doesn't care.I wouldn't be surprised if there is a lot more going on than you know about.

Answer 10

First off I'd like to say that I'm sorry for your misery.
Not a pleasant experience and no easy answers.
I think you need to get honest with yourself first..Self denial is so powerful.
We protect ourselves, and drown in denial.
You have every reason to be hurt and it seems she uses tactics to avoid dealing with the pain she causes.
The real problem is you...why have you allowed this?
You need to dig deep and ask yourself some hard questions.
For ANYONE to have respect for you, you need to have respect for yourself.
I don't think your wife has any respect, nor a healthy fear that she could destroy your relationship.
Most people would end a relationship over this
Personally, I wouldn't want someone like this in my life.
She's not hiding this from you but defends her actions. Which are absolutely indefensible!!!
YOU teach people how to treat YOU...
And I would kick her to the curb.........