My wife discovered some emails from another woman that I did not solicite but I did not discourage either in April. Now 3 months later she has managed to grow more and more distant with each passing day. Initially after her discovery she was still sharing a bed with me and has since begun sleeping in one of our guest rooms. She has begun applying for other jobs accross the country and hasn't invited me to go with her but still says she is unsure about the future of our marriage. Am I dumb for thinking that she is planning on leaving me? Of course I feel she is just using this isolated incident to have an excuse as to why it's ok for her to leave. I didn't cheat and nor did I have any intent on doing so. She has told me at least one other time that she doesn't love me anymore and asked me to move out of our house in our 3 year marriage. She has also repeatedly lied during our dating years. Our current lease is up at the end of the month, should I begin looking for my own place?
2007-07-14 12:52:54 · 16 answers · asked by James LA 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
To answer your initial question:
YES she is planning on leaving you. She has not said much about it, because you are going to come home to an empty house- or at least tell you at the last minute so that you can't stop her.
Isolated incidents do not cause a satisfied and mentally healthy person to abandon their marriage.
She was unsatisfied long before this. This is not an "excuse” this is the LAST STRAW
TONS Women have stayed with men who cheated constantly on them.
What was the common thread? The cheating husbands were attentive.
They paid the bills, came home for dinner- gave their wives presents, spend time with them- ... TOOK CARE OF THEM EMOTIONALLY...(aside from the fact they were a walking STD farm)
You have another husband-PHYSICALLY faithful- but always on the computer playing online games, or golfing, or spending all his time at work- or doing his own hobbies.
Never shows up for dinner, forgets birthdays, never talks to her, etc.
This wife will leave him ASAP- or at least cheat on him.
The woman who leaves her husband who physically cheated on her will admit "Yea, I still love him. I can't stop"
The woman who leaves her husband who emotionally abandoned her will admit:
"I grew out of love with him when we became cold. I don’t' love him anymore"
Unless you married and were only physically attracted to each other and had NO mental similarities- I am going for the emotionally abandoned guess.
Talk with her. Set up a special time- just the two of you- alone- where she is the center of your attention. Do something alone- something relaxed, and no screaming.
Ask her what she needs to feel "safe" and offer to do it.
(Most likely there is really nothing you can do- and once she realizes this, it may help)
2007-07-14 12:56:47 · answer #1 · answered by There you are∫ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, when it comes her to lying during yalls "dating yrs" unless it was really big lies those should be overlooked in my opinion. I mean, you did marry her so they werent to big of a deal were they? How explicit were the emails? If they were really...sexual or intimate then sometimes use wives have a really hard time dealing with it or forgiving it. We tend to wonder what else he is doing behind or back. But if the emails really weren't that big of a deal then she is just being dramatic. Also saying the words " I wasn't thinking about cheating on you" doesn't really do much to help us feel better when there is still SOMETHING going on that makes us think otherwise. It sounds to me like yes, she is thinking about leaving you. As far as if you should start looking for your own place, you need to sit your wife down and talk to her. Get it all out in the open and ask her. Sometimes waiting for the other person to straight out say yes or no can take a while and it just leads the other person on. If you two do stay together you need to think about what is more important. Letting women not respect the boundary of your marriage or your wife.
2007-07-14 13:01:36 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, you did cheat in a way. You were having email conversations with another woman and you kept that from your wife. I mean, you DID answer those emails right? I mean, if you didn't then that woman would have stopped emailing you. You were having a relationship with another woman, even though it was via email, you must have enjoyed the correspondence and attention right? Another woman made you feel good...... Your wife feels betrayed and I can understand that.
If you were having problems before that, then this may just be the icing on the cake. It may be her "out" because I really don't think I would leave my husband over some emails, betrayal or not.
If she refuses to go to counseling, then, she is probably ready to leave, probably has been for awhile.
BTW, what was she doing checking your email anyway? hmmmmm
Sorry.....and Good luck
2007-07-14 13:06:32 · answer #3 · answered by blue_id_baby05 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your wife does not want to continue the marriage and is making steps to get out. If you want to hold on to this marriage you should both go to marriage counseling to deal with all these issues of not trusting each other. The marriage will not survive without it! If you don't want to stay in the marriage, start looking for a place and an attorney too!
2007-07-14 12:59:16 · answer #4 · answered by mntekor 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boys! All of you listen up! Your woman needs to be able to trust you completely, it is very difficult for women, especially if she has been hurt in the past. All you need to do is think about what you are doing before doing it. Ask yourself if what you are doing will hurt her in any way. If it will then don't do it!!! Now as for you, you messed up wheather you think you did or not. Let her know what a dumb butt you are and treat her like a queen. Tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is. TRY to make your marriage work! Too many people are giving up too soon!
2007-07-14 13:25:17 · answer #5 · answered by curious 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only answer is to move out when your lease is up. Get your own place and see if she's still interested in maintaining a relationship. She's making you miserable now. And unloved. The signs are all in in her court that she wants to move on or at least seperate. The seperate rooms gave you the clue, so you really know in your heart. If she whines about having to pay the rent herself, and I';m sure she will....hold strong,ok? I think it sounds more than just a trust issue.
2007-07-14 16:03:22 · answer #6 · answered by zen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its obvious she feels the relationship is over. She told you she doesnt love you and has shown that with her actions. If you have no trust then you have no relationship and it sounds like the both of you have issues. If she has lied to you about things in the past and has asked you to move out then what is left of your marriage? You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart and sort everything out. Decide what is best for you both in your future. You need to communicate with your wife and decide if it is time to move on. Dont do anything rash like find another place to live until you know in your heart there is no way to salvage what may be left of your relationship. If you still love her and want to work things out then you need talk to her about it.
2007-07-14 13:01:42 · answer #7 · answered by jellybean_queen03 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It pretty much sounds like your wife has made her mind up that she wants out of the marriage and is using the excuse of finding those emails from the other woman as the reason. I wonder if perhaps she has someone else lying in waiting. Know what I mean? She doesn't love you right? Best to start looking for your own place.
2007-07-14 12:58:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
First off, internet chat is considered cheating. Talk to any therapist buddy. If you talk to any other woman the same way you should only be talking to your wife, I'm sorry to say, that is cheating! You must have no idea what your wife is going through right now. It is your job to start the mending of this relationship since you're the one who tore it! She must feel so horrible that her husband turned to another woman! You have to make things right with her. You can't just act like what you did was okay because it wasn't. You need to confess your love for her! Make her feel wanted. Make her feel needed. Make her feel like she is your wife!!! Right now, that is not a healthy relationship for either of you.
2007-07-14 13:00:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
awww.... i really feel for you, especially since you DID NOT cheat, and she is treating you as if you are/were! that is wrong ! i'm sorry but there is nothing you can do to change her opinion or feelings for you. if you love her, let her go and if its meant to be she will come back to you, if not the only thing u can really do is to move on with your life. you should probably look for your own place just in case. but i do suggest you having a heart to heart talk with her as to what is up! you deserve to know. were the emails that bad? and did you have the intention to cheat>?
2007-07-14 12:58:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋