GOODBYE, ROMEO
by Saint John
from the forthcoming album "All That I Bleed"
Montagues and Capulets;
Omniscient in their love's
Betrayals and desecrations
Forgiving: one's false aplombs
(verse)
Thus, I have been true to YOU!
Too star-crossed to see...
Captive of my own verities;
I writhe to be deemed!
Is there naught to extricate
A romance's remonstrance?
Beatific within oneself--
I digress with lips pressed to chance...
(chorus)
Hands once clasped by letting go
Goodbye Juliette, goodbye Romeo
(verse)
Interpolated bygones and byfores
A rose's tomb in a sunken palm--
Withering with each thorned season
To save for the promise of dawn?
I reason with devotion,
Parting ways to save eminence--
Please grant me immunity,
A supplicant's privation of circumstance
(chorus)
Tinder tenderness, almost admired...
A rose in my sunken palm
Shall one day grow
For a fair maiden I cantillate--
I, Romeo...
2007-07-14 12:37:18 · 4 answers · asked by zmanjohn00 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
If this is a poem, it's confusing, which most poetry is, so it might be good.
It these are lyrics to a song, the suck.
2007-07-14 12:45:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
There are some really good lines in here. However, I'm a little confused...a "chorus" is usually a repeated refrain...but your chorus isn't even the same meter or style. Maybe if I heard it to music...but even then, it seems a little weak...not the words or expressions, per se, but the way they're use here.
I also think that some of your word usage borders on malapropism. Make absolutely sure your words actually "mean" what they imply. If so, then fine, but I'm telling you that not all your readers/listeners may understand them in the context you intended.
Your use of language is very good, but I think it will improve over time and you'll settle in to more common words used in uncommon ways. Your intuition is good, so I think you probably have more to offer.
2007-07-20 10:28:41 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It works for me, but I'd like to hear the tune it's going to be set to. It's nice to see lyricist actually employing the English language. This is NOT confusing, and it's tight, a great expression of star crossed loves. I think the song will kick butt.
2007-07-15 11:08:14 · answer #3 · answered by Guinness 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i really liked it!!!
loved the alliteration and diction! perfect!
it makes it really unique but very meaning ful.
your personality an dwriting style really shine through
keep up the good work!!
hope u keep posting other poems!!
:)
2007-07-18 19:45:12 · answer #4 · answered by Michelle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋