Is this a good story? I wrote it myself?

Question

Is this a good story? I wrote it myself. It's called "Never Judge A Book By It’s Cover." Trustful comments please.

His death was very painful. I could never have thought that he would of died. He knew everyone liked him. If not, he knew I did. He knew he needed to die. But what he didn’t know that it would kill me, too. Everyone picked on him, But no one really knew why. He would blame everyone on his death. I know he would, I just know. His death got me remembering of all of the things we used to do together. I never actually realized how much he really meant to me.

Monday
I will always remember him, and I hope you will, too. Remember both him and me because as the knife awaits, I will die his painful death. As the knife awaits, I grab it and put it up to my wrist. As my death awaits, I heard a voice, a voice that sounds very familiar. The voice said: “Please don’t cut. Do it for me. You have a reason to live, I didn’t.” As I got down on my knees, I plead for his life. But all I could hear is an echo of: “You have a reason to live, I didn’t.” I felt a big quest of wind as it picked me up off my knees. It flew me up and over onto the couch. Then a ghost of him appeared.
“Please don’t cut.” he whispered to me.
“If you go back into your body, I won’t.” I whispered, trying not to cry.
He nodded his head and left. Just before I went to bed, there was a note on my pillow. It said: “Go to the hospital, as the body and soul of your true lover awaits for you.”

The Day Before Sunday
We were at the mall, as me and my boyfriend. He approached me in a different way. Usually, he kisses me on the cheek and we hug. But today, he approached me with a smile. He always approaches me with a smile because he once said that I’m the only one that made him smile and warm inside. But his smile today was like “I'm REALLY happy to see you” smile. He never before gave me one of those smile. Plus, he was holding me in his arms. He always does, but this time, it felt something really different. He was really romantic that day. I didn’t know why. The feeling I felt that I got when he held me in his arms, the smile he gave me, I knew something was up. So I asked him:
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing, why?”
“You’re acting more romantic than you always do.”
“It’s because I love you."

I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine. He was in back of me, so he had to come in front of me. And when he did, he got down on his knees and asked:
“Will you marry me?”
I knew something was up, I just knew it.
“Yes.” I answered.
He got up off his knee and puts the ring on my finger.
“I’m sorry the mall isn’t the right place for a proposal, but I couldn’t help it.” he said.
“It’s ok.”
After that, we went back to shopping and hanging out. Then I had to got to the bathroom, so we did. As I went to the bathroom, he waited for me outside of the bathroom when all of a sudden, from what he told me, these people walked up to him and started to gang up on him.
“Oh, I’m sorry the mall isn’t the right place for a proposal, but I couldn’t help it.” one mimicked. The rest of the gang laughed.
“Know what, we don’t like you, know why?” asked another.
“Why?” He asked.
“Cause we don’t, that’s why.” one joked.

The gang laughed and walked away. I then walked out of the bathroom. He gave me a look that seemed that he was up to no good.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“Nothing.” He answered. He then smiled and continued shopping.
Later that night, after we went home, I called him. He didn’t answer. I tried calling him again, but still no answer. I called about a billion times before I started over there. I got my jacket on. The phone rang. I didn’t mind to pick it up because I was on my way over to his house. The answer machine picked it up.
“Hi, you probably know who this is. Um, I called to say that I love you a lot and what I do tonight, I hope that you will forgive me for and know why I did it. Goodbye, and I love you.'

Then he hung up. I rushed out of my house and over to his house to see his dead body on the ground. I went for his help while calling 911.He whispered: “I love you.” as his last words. He than took one last breath and closed his eyes. I knew there wasn’t anything else to do until the ambulance got here, and nothing to do that night except crying myself to sleep for the one I loved the most.
Monday Night
The moment I read that letter I ran out the door and went straight to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital, I saw his body on the bed. The machine was beeping, which meant he was alive. I sat next on the chair that was next to the bed and held his hand. A couple of minutes later, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
The End

Answer 1

I totally disagree with the person above me. It is NOT well worded at all. I am sorry to say this but your grammar is atrocious. It makes the story completely unreadable. But what I did get from it was pretty much the same kind of stories I have read from hundreds of kids who cut out there. There is no reason to change the story - if that is what you feel like writing, by all means do it. However you simply MUST learn how to write sentences properly and how to use proper English. I wasn't two sentences into the story before I shuddered at your word usage. The words you were seeking were "would have" not "would of".

You need to find a teacher who can mentor you and help you with your grammar and spelling. It is really impossible for you to communicate your story to others if you cannot write properly. Pax - C

Answer 2

The idea is good, but it's a tad repetitive and I'm still not really sure what the story is about. I understand what you did, moving back and forth in time, which is a tricky thing to do within a short story.

It would make more sense if you established the setting in the beginning, maybe an intro paragraph, just so we know the subject matter.

Also, why did he die? Why would it be painful? People don't just kill themselves for no real reason, often it will take years of bad events to push someone that far. if your explanation is just because some kids picked on him, I'm sorry, but that's not good enough.

You've done this first step, create an idea. What you need to do from here, is answer all questions, What Where, Why, When and How.

Sorry if I'm being harsh, I really want to be helpful. good luck with your writing :)

Answer 3

I have to agree with Persiphone on her critique. If you want to write stories you have to learn how to communicate both with and through your writing.

Don't EVER let a relative critique your writing. You need to get someone who will not grant you lip service. Telling you something is written well does not help you at all.

You want to write and that's great. But you need to learn how to write effectively. The library is full of books that can teach you various techniques. Don't be discouraged by what you read here. I have many rejections and, as a matter of fact, more rejections than sales. That's the way the writing world goes at times.

Look at your story and check out the grammar and the sentence structures. Try to take out any words you don't really need. I'll tell you a very big secret in writing the way you just did.

You're writing the way you actually talk. This is good if you are writing dialect, which is part of dialogue but actually shows how a person speaks. "What up homie?" That's dialect in dialogue. This is how this person talks. "What's up my good man?" That's dialect in dialogue as well. Depending on how educated your character will be depends on how well he/she will speak in dialogue.

You can't ..... YOU CAN'T do that when you are offering your descriptive data to the reader, not unless the speaker is part of the story and is not very well educated. You must... YOU MUST write out your descriptive data in highly polished sentence structure and grammar.

This is why it is very important to learn how to speak correctly and stop using that street lingo. This is exactly what happens. A person ends up come across as functionally illiterate.

Don't feel hurt by those words because that's not what they are meant to be. They are meant to open your eyes to effective communications skills.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

Keep writing. A word of advice though, don't ask strangers on Answers to critique your writing. Ask a relative or friend after you've re-written your story.

Answer 5

you made a couple of grammar mistakes but i thought that was agreat story.

i was wondering if her BF died or was he still alive after she woke up?

Answer 6

hm it's small. it's really sad though :( but i LOVE the title ^_^ it was pretty well worded out but not exactly my kind of story and a little blan but pretty good :)

Answer 7

very repetitive with the words, i couldn't understand what you were saying. sorry.