Is it Normal to Feel this way?

Question

I've been in a long term relationship for 2 years. He's a great guy, he's kind, affectionate and always puts me first. He's talked about us getting married, I feel as though I have my family and his families expectation that we will. The idea of marrying him however does not fill me with excitement, all I feel is indifferent to the idea. I can't even figure out what depth of feeling I have for him, I love him but I can't figure out how if I love him as a lover or as a brother. We rarely have sex because I just can't face it at times and when we do, it's over in less than a minute. I thought long term love involved feeling mentally connected and passionate - I've had that in previous relationships. However like I said nobody has treated me as well as what he has and I feel like a fool for even having these doubts, I have no one to talk to as everyone is so quick to tell me how great he is they don't want to hear about my own fears.
I feel alone.

Answer 1

Hi hon! You are not alone! My advice to you: do NOT marry this guy! Your story sounds exactly like mine. Great guy, everyone said I would never find better, but there was zilch passion (except for the kind I imagined because I wanted it so bad). STUPIDEST thing I ever did! I didn't "feel" it with him but I trusted that he was a good guy and everything would fall in place. That philosophy just does not work, not unless you're the kind of person who could take or leave passion/romance, but if you need it, I'm telling you right now this will not work for you. Right now my husband and I are having huge problems and are looking at divorce. I would give anything to be able to go back to before I was married (when I felt how you feel now) and not make that choice to marry him.

I know it's hard to do, but do yourself, him, and your future kids a favor and don't get married. It's terribly important to marry a good man with your values, yes, but in order for you to be happy, he has to be The One. Trust me, someone else will come along. You will only cause yourself and him pain if you marry him and you're not 100% wholeheartedly in love and committed to him.

After years of thinking and experiencing, I can tell you what that indifferent feeling is that you're having, because I had it too. But I was foolish and went ahead with that marriage--please don't do like me. Take that chance for yourself that I didn't give myself. The indifference you're feeling is a mix of things: you love him but you're not in love with him; you feel more like he is your brother or good friend; you respect him very much. All those things are great and necessary but on their own they are not enough.

When it is right you will know. There will be a man that you can't get out of your head, and when he holds you and makes you feel like he can't get enough of you and that you're the most beautiful and special woman in the world to him, you'll know. Trust me. Hold out for that and you will be happy for the rest of your life. Don't worry about yours and his families. It's not their marriage. When you marry someone YOU need to feel it in your heart and soul.

If everyone else thinks he's great, that's fantastic, but it really doesn't matter! I mean, it's good they don't think he's a jerk. All the reason they need is that you just don't want to be with him. They may be baffled for a while, but they'll get over it. They'll be much more understanding if you break up now rather than after the marriage, especially if you get pregnant. You have the luxury of being able to be like that because you're not yet married--take advantage of it! If you don't like the way he smells or the way he talks it's your prerogative (at this point) to ditch him for whatever reason. Follow your heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It knows the way.

Answer 2

I felt that way about my ex husband (though he turned out not to be a nice guy in the long run anyhow). I knew even before I married him that something felt wrong about the whole thing. I DID love him but I think I was not "in love". Maybe what you have to ask yourself is: 1) Did you EVER feel passionate about him and just lost the feeling or was it never there to begin with? 2) Are you possibly more attracted to the bad boy type since they seem harder to get and might make you feel more self esteem to attract one? Passion is not always going to be there. You have to have love for eachother to maintain a relationship. I hope your end result it to find that you really do feel some passion for him because there are very few great men out there.

Answer 3

Do you think you don't love him as a lover because he has issues in the bedroom and you feel you can't get close enough to him? He should see an expert on why he is done in a minute. Premature ejaculation is a common and treatable medical condition. He may be shy in that areas because of it. Do you think if he gets the help he needs, you will have that passion you desire and the relationship will be perfect? If the answer is yes, than marry him.

Answer 4

One of my brightest and kindest ex-boyfriends once said this to me, years after we broke up, and after I told him why (which was basically because of what you're saying right now):

"Just because I'm a great guy doesn't mean I'm right for you."

And it was true. He was and is a great guy. But just not for me.

You SHOULD feel passionate and connected to your partner. You shouldn't dread sex. You shouldn't get married because it's expected.

He may be a great guy. And if so, stay friends with him. But there are other great guys out there that you can really be happier with romantically.

I know it's a hard situaiton, but you'll always wonder what was out there if you stay with someone you're not really in love with.

I would say leave him, and keep looking. But make sure he knows he's a great guy. And maybe he can find someone better suited to him, too.

Best of luck to you. Email me if you want.

Answer 5

You are still hot but under the cover...the feeling of alone is because it is not a easy thing to talk about. It would be a good idea to speak to a professional together...it can be a medical problem or that he is trying too hard and comes in no time..WOW you must be a hot MaMA..anyway he is doing everything possible to treat you like a queen and take good care of you...so can through it away or do your homework it is your choice...don't fear, once you know and care it will change in time. He may not know share your concerns with him.

Answer 6

In my opinion, you have some matters that you need to work out with yourself before getting involved with a partner. He seems really nice, but you do need to be honest with him. I think it is normal to feel this way .This is the reason why i said it's normal. Often times, we say that we want a good man but when we got one we don't know how to act. We usually want the ones who are going to dog us out, have us chasing them, stressing, losing weight over them. -No maam. That is just the naked truth. I bet your question would have been different if he was someone who did you bad. Your question would be more like, "Could someone help me see the light?"-this guy acts like he really doesn't have time for me , but I love him so much...See, we usually fall for the wrong ones. You need to see where your heart is, and what you really want to do in this situation. If that means, blocking out the obvious pressure of your 2 families thinking you all will join each other in holy matrimony one day. If you don't want to be with him, don't lead him on. You are only wasting his time and yours. When it really comes down to it, it's up to you and what makes you happy @ the end of the day .. Good luck.

Answer 7

you dont have to marry him right now. Take your time, figure things out first. Try to get the spark back in your relationship, to find out whether you love him romanticaly or not. A lot of people lose interest in one another when they have been in the relationship for a long time.

Answer 8

WELL well , as i see u really not in LOVE with the guy! i mean its nice he treat u right , but two years and u didnt make up ur mind/! in my openioun i guess ur not to married hem! i dont knew why u still with hem since ur not sure 4m what u feel but maybe ur being t in this reletion ship cuz u r runing form somethin in ur life or cuz he make u feel secure ! u knew better i think.
any way , girl u should sit down with hem and telll hem alla bout that/!! poor guy maybe he is nice and genntelman but u cant marry some one just cuz he is nice to u , love must be da first base reason and it seems ur not sure that ur feeling it , or ur not sure at all from that .
wish u to work it out,,,

Answer 9

You can't be witha gut just cause he treats you nice. I think you should sit down with and talk to him about how you feel cause it's not fair for either of you. If he really loves you it will break his heart if he knew that you didn't want to be with him for a long time. Talk to him explain everything and then make a decision.

Answer 10

If you're not feeling it, then it's not real. Real love is when someone wants to be with that person, when you are constantly thinking of that person, when you want to please that person, both physically and emotionally. Sounds like none of that is what you are feeling.

I say just re-evaluate your life with this person, can you see being with the person for life? If the answer is NO then it's time to move on.

You'll make the right decision.

Good Luck,
Abby