I really do need advice about my husband, I really have lost trust in him. He wants to have a baby because he

Question

does not have any children. I went to the Dr. last week and she prescribed me some pills to help me become pregnant. The reason I lost trust is because I found out he was cheating in Jan. 2007, when I heard the females #, I called her & met with her, she is 46 and she claims that she did not know he was married.She claims she did not know but now she knows. I dont have proof but I feel she is still around. I have not said anything, but a week ago I found out about another female. She sent him a text through his cell phone and I saw it. My husband dont know that I know a lot of things that I do know, but I love him and I am trying very hard to fix it. Iam going to college right now, I have 2 years left. I am hurting very bad, please give me some positive advice. By the way I am 34 and he is 41. Please help me. I do know that some things cannot be fixed, but I tried. We are all human and sometimes we all make stupid mistakes. Thank You

Answer 1

Yes he is human and if it was one mistake I would say that you should try and make it work. But now he has another? I wouldn't consider bringing a child into an already rocky marriage, it will only make things worse for you. Children require love and constant attention and you can't give that while you're trying to make a marriage work. I recommend you talk to him and find out what his problem is. He may not want to be in the marriage anymore but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But believe me hun, you don't want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn't want you. You will end up being hurt over and over again. If you leave you will hurt, but it will get better. Good luck!

Answer 2

Your husband is missing something in the marriage that makes him vulnerable or seek other women. You need to find out what that is.

Are you ignoring him alot because of your schooling? Are you not building up his ego (which the other women may be doing)? Have you lost interest in your appearance?

Having a baby because he doesn't have children is NOT a good enough reason to have a child.

You don't say how long you have been married and if this is a sudden thing he is doing.

But it's sounds like you need to put some 'spice' back into the marriage. It he really loves you, he doesn't need another woman. So 'be all the woman you can be'.

Also if you feel comfortable, sit down and talk to him. Tell him you know about the other women, and what is it that is making him stray. And ask what you can do to keep him happy at home. And personally I would tell him that a baby is not an option as long as he is cheating on you.

Answer 3

Before you begin a course of fertility drugs, I suggest that you really are sure about this man and this relationship. This is not a decision that anyone can make for you, but this is a decision that you will be making not only for yourself but for a defenseless child. I think that before you bring a child into this relationship, you need to ascertain whether or not the relationship is stable enough to sustain one. A serial cheater is not serious about the relationship, and is that the kind of man you want in your life forever? A child would bind you to this man for the rest of your life.

There are some pieces that seem a bit strange in this. The desire to have a child because he "does not have any children" seems like odd reasoning to me. Additionally, if you have two years of college left, and you're only 34 years old, why do you need to have a baby now? Why not wait until you've completed school? If the relationship is solid, there should be no urgency in having a child now, and if the relationship is not solid, then waiting the two years to complete school would show you this -- and you'd be in a better place with your degree.

Good luck in making this decision. Decisions of the heart are never easy ones to make.

Answer 4

things can only be fixed if we want to fix them.

he got caught once, and he didn't change his behavior, so the chances of him changing if you let him know he's caught again are... well, almost none.

a baby will NOT (not, not, not!) fix anything. first of all, kids do best with the devoted love and attention of both parents, and half of his (at best) would be available. and kids will make the almost inevitable divorce painful, long, and messy. and you'll be resentful, knowing that you gave him "one more chance" and he didn't do the right thing. and divorce is not good for kids.

just as an off the wall tangent, you seem almost semi-accepting of his cheating. you should probably see a counselor or pastor or have a long discussion with a good friend and discuss whether this is something you can live with. everybody's standard of happiness is different, and for some people, a partner's dalliances don't bother them as much as the unknown world of being single. it wouldn't be my choice, but i can't make that decision for you, also.

in a relationship, i might try to work through one incident of infidelity (it depends on the situation). but i personally would never put up with two, then three...

good luck, and be careful!

Answer 5

First of all, stop taking the pills to help you become pregnant. A baby at this time would only complicate the situation and you should resolve this serious issue first.

The sad truth of your situation is that you have identified your husband as a cheater. Cheaters almost NEVER change their ways and so your path could be very difficult. It's worth testing his interest in saving your marriage / your interest in tolerating a cheating spouse (which I don't recommend but which some spouses will tolerate.)

If he is interested in working on things, get a good counsellor as you will have some hard work ahead of you.

Answer 6

This has gone way beyond cheating. Why would a mature adult woman try to get pregnant with a man who has cheated on her at least ONCE if not more than that? Do you think a baby is going to "fix" things? Let me tell you that it is going to make it worse and you are going to be a single mom. It is a mistake to get pregnant to save a marriage - it never works.

Answer 7

wow sounds like you have your hands full. now is probably not a good time to have more children. you need to have a frank discussion with him. he will probably have a cow when you tell him what you know, but focus on finding out what he wants. If it is something you can live with then work on building trust and focus on working on the relationship. if you forgive him, you must forget what he did and not bring it up. if his plan is not what you have in mind then look at it as a fresh start. an opportunity to finish school and work toward becoming what you want to be. Love will come. just when you least expect it.

Answer 8

yikes! you are taking powerful drugs that have sometimes terrible long term effects.....how do you know you are infertile? the way you wrote that makes it sound like you are some cow tied up in the back yard and your husband wants you to have a calf. crrrreeeeepy. and it also !! sounds like even tho you are married he is still happily and merrily dating while you are confused and sinking into a passive, " i have given up and he is ok i guess" way of thinkng. wake up. i really dont care what you do because i have been on this board long enuf to form an opinion that no one really takes any advice on this board that is given, good, sarcastic or otherwise, but if it was me, at the very minimum i would NOT did you hear that? NOT take any drugs that would propel me into a permanent state of motherhood with a guy who is still acting like he is single. haha, but that's just me...

Answer 9

Well I can only tell you that if you don't mind sharing this bum, stay with him. He doesn't seem to mind you knowing about his philandering, so, what to do, really. When he goes to work, pack his bags and put them on the curb. Call the cops and tell them what you did and why, then ask them to be there when he gets home so, there's no trouble.
After that, get a good attorney and get rid of the bum, It seems he has a place to stay already so don't worry and, whatever you do, don't get pregnant, maybe he's trying to tie you down this way.

Answer 10

Having a baby should be because you both want to. And having the baby is not going to fix any problems in your marriage. You do need to talk to him about his cheating on you. You can't keep it inside like that. It would just destroy your relationship. Talk to him about it. Be strong. Don't throw a pity party for yourself.