Poem: Ripple (Comments welcome. Please let me know what you think)?

Question

Ripple

I gaze with clarity
upon translucent water,
an image of what was
neither drinking,
nor moving,
lest a drop distort.

Nothing remains the same.

What is there to say
that hasn’t been said. Can we
capture in a shell the power of
what we felt? Cup our hands to hear
rushing waves—echoes of words
unspoken.

Nothing will ever be the same.

We clung like morning mist
under an unforgiving sun.
Tracing what had already been traced.
Fingers outstretched, grasping
like pale rivulets running down our bodies.
I loved you once, perhaps you loved me;
but how does that matter?
You are no longer here,
lost in the shimmer and expanse
of ripples spreading apart

I tell you, nothing is the same anymore.

Answer 1

I had to read this several times. At first the images didn't connect for me. It's almost like reading a philosopher some times. You have to get into the person's "language."

I think, in the final analysis, it's the last segment I had arguments with. "We clung...unforgiving sun." For me too many "uns" together, dulling the internal rhyme. I loved "tracing what had already been traced" at first...and then I wondered if it is new, is it traced and then how can it be traced again? or should it have been tracing something that was described as something else the first time? I don't know.

Also, I could not picture fingers as rivulets. They just don't fit the description for me. Maybe if you described them differently (if they were opaque, or you could see the veins in the hands/fingers?)

I also wonder if the "I loved you once...that matter" is needed in the poem. It might be important for you to see it there. I'm not sure I needed it.

I loved the ending, the last line. Just flat out loved it.

I think if I read this a few more times I might even disagree with what I thought/wrote.

Of what I've read of yours, I thought this was maybe the best I've seen. It has allure. It did draw me in. Some things I didn't like on first reading I liked on third/fourth reading, for example, how you broke up the lines in the "what is there to say...unspoken" segment. And since I'm an ocean nut, I loved the "Cup our hands to hear rushing waves"

OK, I'm rambling. It's late. I'm done. Nice job.

Answer 2

Todd, This is great! In short, you've allowed the reader an experience that is effective because there's a truth there. Something affected you and you translated it. In other, better words: "We had the experience but missed the meaning, And approach to the meaning restores the experience In a different form, beyond any meaning We can assign to happiness." T.S. Eliot. For those who want puppies and kittens,You've written something visceral, real and valuable. Kudos & Thank you!

Answer 3

This is a good poem. You could work on some of the line breaks (they should indicate a slight pause, not just be randomly inserted) and the last line is weak. You need to repeat the theme, but you need to find a better last line.

All in all, a good draft...keep at it.

Answer 4

This was FANTASTIC! I loved it! The repetition of "nothing is the same" was a nice emphasis. The poem had no rhyme, a very nice flow, and very profound. I could picture these images vividly in my mind. This was terrific! 10/10

Answer 5

Lol...Kagomey made a funny.

Todd! I read this like three times and liked it more each time
i read it :)

its almost like water is the best image ever to use in a poem, eh? Oh that reminds me... i gotta STOP using water as an image in my poems...and sky... i gotta STOP using sky too...
The title of my next poem: "Sand" haha..!

Mmmm... very nice one :)

Answer 6

Sw33t imagery here Todd,
the loss of a love, or not perhaps,
it leaves the reader to draw his/her
own conclusion as to whether or not
it was meant to be in the first place...

Classy

All the Best, Shad @)~>~


(WB BTW @)~>~)

Answer 7

I think that I have felt this before. It moves me and reminds me of how I felt once. Very nice poem. A+

Answer 8

Nice. It's like standing on beach watching the last tide go out.

Answer 9

i really liked it alot!
your personality as a poet really shines through
and i loved your word choice..take sthe poem to a whole new level. very unique and meaningful

really enjoyed reading it!!!
keep it up and hope u keep posting!!
:)

Answer 10

Nice.....very touching and sad........almost wish that all is not lost for the writer........unrequited love right........ahhhhh.......to love someone that much......that is what is so beautiful hidden behind those words.......certainly you have the power of the words to describe such powerful emotion.