What can a mother do, when her grown daughter has banished her from her life?

Question

I live in tragedy. My daughter and I were best friends; when she was a child; we were appropriately parent and child. We got along so well; everyone commented on how much we loved each other, what a happy and great family we were.

After her wedding fell through, we became even closer--for two years. Then one day she turned on me--just like that! I was in shock and asked her what happened, "I thought we were doing well." Her answer was a sarcastic "You're great in a crisis."

She was about 30 by this time, and had never talked "mean" to me before. Everything got worse, until now I am no longer "welcome" in her life--and that means the life of my grandson, as well. It is a fate worse than death for me.

My son is baffled. She won't explain herself. Before the final banishment, she was verbally cruel, and one night lost her temper so badly she started bashing me. (Note, I never hit either of my children.)

I fear it's the medication she's on. SSRI's can cause violence.

Note: Tthe banishment has now been ten months; the coldness and lack of love and cruel, disrespectful treatment has been going on for six years now.

Is there any hope?

CLARITY:
Please note, "we were appropriately mother and daughter, when she was a child."

What I mean is we became best friends later, after college.

To give you an idea, at 14, she said, "How come you're the strictest of all the parents, but we have the best relationship?"

(A couple of people have tacked on to that one, but that just isn't true; no TV, no overnights on school nights; no R movies; no sweets, chores--I was a mom, not a "friend," until she became an adult.) Okay?

Doug: I think I made it quite clear that I wasn't the kind of mom you describe.
I was a movie star; I didn't have that kind of time, and being reared very strictly,
I didn't have that inclination, but thanks, anyway. Be careful, when you assume--at least also address what you are NOT assuming: the FACTS.

Moophalen: You are right on target. The medication has changed her, and I
am in therapy. If you have any ideas about how, in these times, to get
intervention, please let me know. Okay?

Topsail: We went to a therapist. Don't laugh. My daughter, who was so balanced and sweet all her life, spent the whole time ranting--like a person being taken out for slaughter. The doctor would not accept my check for the session. Any other ideas?

Answer 1

Medication can effect a person's mood. If possible you could seek family counseling of not for your self at least and see if something bad has happened to her and she feels as if she needs to push u away in order to protect herself or you. there maybe a lot of reasons she maybe acting out. Sounds ,ike intervention time.

Answer 2

Definitely a very difficult situation to be with someone that was close before, and now is so distant. Medications can be the primary reason for all the misery that is going on. You have heard this before, but I am going to say it again. Call your Daughters Doctor, and tell him exactly what has taken place. He needs to find another medication for her that won't cause all this anxieties. She can't handle those meds that she is on now. You both have been very close for many years, and all of a sudden without any notice acts like a wild person. I just thought of this. Go to the pharmacy in your neighborhood, and give them the name of that medication. See what some of the reactions are as a result of taking that medication. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but I believe most of your answers say what needs to be done. I'll pray for you, Good Luck I hope everything gets mended. See if your son can be an intermediate speaker for you since he sees the way she is, and remembers how she use to be.

Answer 3

Love her anyway, make sure she knows it, be there when she will let you. And if she won't let you, do the best you can to be there anyway. Someday she will come back, I promise. I did this with my own mother, and most of it was me not her. I just had to some things to figure out and as much as it pained her, I needed to do that alone. I said nasty and mean things to her to get her to back off and go away. Now I can only hope she understands where I was at and that none of it was personal. My mother is now one of my best friends again. She loved me anyway even when I told her not to, that's how I knew when I hit rock bottom I could still go home to my mama. Be patient, understanding, and loving and she will come home too. Good luck to you!

Answer 4

Time Heals all Wounds or Wounds all Heels, something like that.... Truly learn to take a deep breath and not get upset. Let time pass - - - don't feed any 'negative' energy into the mix let the fix be a natural non forced. It is o-k for two people not to be in verbal or written contact daily or even for weeks months mayby years. Just allow her 'space' and treat the matter casually - - - she will come back around when the time is right.

Pax----------------

Answer 5

First of all it's not your fault!
I can honestly say this as your story was my story Exactly!!!!
Medication can do this if she is crossing the drug with another. (Unaware of this bad mixture) She's still in depression (baby blues) and may not even aware of this?
Is there anyway you can talk to her other half without up setting her or in confidants? She may be not aware of this as most aren't !! Could be just an hormone unbalance!
So hard to say this to you as right now you are feeling a lose of words and emptiness without your daughter or grandson but please give her distant BUT always keep an eye on her and child. (Have you noted any changes in the way she tends to the baby? (Meaning loving, caring)
have your son make vists in your behalf would be my guess.
Good luck, hope all works it self out.

Answer 6

SSRI's will cause violence especially when used with bipolar patients.

I can only sympathize. Can only try to find out what she wants through your son. Perhaps try to reform over time a non-judgemental non-worrying relationship. Hopefully in time she will unweird out.

I think each one in my family has blamed my Mom because we had an abusive dad. They've all wound down, especially when they had time to their own space far away from Mom.

Answer 7

She may see you NOW as being a friend, rather than a mother.

Were you one of those mom's that were always friends? best friends? Let me guess, you talked till late hours in the night, knew her EVERY move, boyfriend, event etc...

Did you ever really take a parent/child role? Did you ever dicsipline her?

Kids need parents, not friends.

She has now possibly done what friends do to eachother sometimes, just written them off.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Best thing to do is to visit a psychologist if she'll agree to it. Something has happened and you need to know about it.

I'm glad you are still trying to put it together for you both. That counts a lot.

I wish your family the best.

Answer 9

there is always hope, but she is the one that needs to make the first steps back to your relationship. if you try to bring her back she will just push you further away. just be ready when she does come back, and dont be judgemental. when she does come back welcome her with open arms as if nothing happened. she might want to talk about the problem she might not. if she does, listen to what she has to say without judgement. the rift can be healed,as long as you both work together.

Answer 10

Perhaps she blames you for allowing some kind dependency on you and is now forcing some personal space reclamation. Remember what is in a persons mind may not reflect your appraisal of the relationship. She is at the isolation versus intimacy stage of her life and if my understanding is correct, she is experiencing the clock ticking phenomenon, life passing her by. I experienced that myself, but when you realize your humanity, you kind of settle in to a realistically attainable mode of subsistence. It is not an easy struggle.

I suggest sending her this gestalt prayer:


I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
(Fritz Perls, 1969)

Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestalt_prayer"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erick_Erickson

Stage One Oral-Sensory: from birth to one, trust vs. mistrust, feeding;
Stage Two Muscular-Anal: 1-3 years, autonomy vs. shame, toilet training;
Stage Three Locomotor: 3-6 years, initiative vs. inadequacy, independence;
Stage Four Latency: 6-12 years, industry vs. inferiority, school;
Stage Five Adolescence: 12-18 years, identity vs. confusion, peer relationships;
Stage Six Young Adulthood: 18-40 years, intimacy vs. isolation, love relationships;
Stage Seven Middle Adulthood: 40-65 years, generativity vs. stagnation, parenting;
Stage Eight Maturity: 65 years until death, integrity vs. despair, acceptance of one's life.


The Erikson life-stage virtues, in the order of the stages in which they may be acquired, are:

hope
will
purpose
competence
fidelity
love (in intimate relationships, work and family)
caring
wisdom