My husband was having an affair 3 mnths ago & we are seeing a counselor, now he is ordering porn,shouldi leave

Answer 1

are you two having sex at all, or is he getting porn for the days you aren't feeling up to it?
isn't it better he order porn than go out and look elsewhere for it?

Answer 2

He needs to address his problems with boundaries. Was porn a part of his life before the affair and now it is an issue with you because of all the hurt feelings about the affair?

I ask that because I'm wondering if this is a new problem, or one that he has been struggling with all along.

He may have a sexual addiction problem. Something which he needs a counselor who is experienced in to help him learn to control.

After an affair and betrayal of trust, the betrayed spouse has even more difficulty dealing with stuff like this. The affair damaged our self image with the wayward spouse. We don't feel safe with them. You see him crossing boundaries again, and now you know the pain that comes from that behavior.

Let this be an issue to be addressed with the counselor. Unfortunately, counselors have their own personal values also, and may not acknowledge it is a problem. But, it is a problems for YOU! Especially if it was part of his affair behavior before. If he made promises to you to remove this, then he is breaking trust, something that is really fragile after an affair.

Do some searches on 'sexual addictions'.

You need him to be very open and accountable now as you work to rebuild trust and security after his affair. Porn will NOT help you feel like he is protecting your marriage.

Lots of debate over whether or not porn is wrong. Not going there. But, at this stage of your marriage and with your recent problems with him crossing the line, he needs to show you that he is NOT anywhere near that line of inappropriate behavior.

All you can do is make your needs and boundaries clear.

Answer 3

I am not condoning the affairs by any means as I believe that to be a real deal breaker and he is damn lucky to have a woman willing to work on the marriage with him. BUT... Would you rather him look at pictures or the affairs? There sounds as if there is something missing in your bedroom. You may want to talk (in depth) about it to him to see exactly what's missing. He obviously has different tastes than what you do. Marriage is meeting 1/2 way right? Don't worry about the porn (unless it's children) as it's just a form of stimulation for him.

Answer 4

This is a question to bring up to your marriage counselor but there are other factors to consider when discussing it:

1) Is he keeping the porn secret from you, trying to hide the fact that he has it? That is a red flag that he knows he is doing something wrong, but if he is open then he may truly believe this is a better alternative.

2) Do you or both of you have religious or moral concerns about porn? If he is overstepping what one or both of you consider to be a moral boundary than that may be a sign that he is not keeping on the straight-and-narrow in other areas.

3) Does he have difficulty expressing intimacy to you? Porn doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing, but if he is unable to be intimate or loving to you, then this is a problem.

Please discuss this with a marriage counselor first. It sounds like you had to overcome a lot in your relationship with him and for your own sake, find out the whole story before deciding it was a mistake.

Answer 5

No, you shouldn't leave him just because he is ordering porn. It may be that he sees you as a little bit on the plump side. He's afraid to say "Honey, you need to work out in order to lose X number of pounds; you have a very large midriff bulge."

Think for yourself; go to a gym and ask a trainer to assist you in losing some of your BMI(Body Mass Index).

Answer 6

Hi Trish...seems we have both been there. My wife has had an affair and still pines for him in silence. Her fetish is porn and swinging as I am finding out through Yahoo Answers. I wouldn't trust him again, think it thru if you have enough to forgive him about the affair. It seems to me he is unsatisfied and is continually looking for the next bit of excitement. I hope you make the right decision, from your head and not your heart.
Good Luck my dear...

Answer 7

If you don't love him anymore, then yes, leave him.

But if you do love him and want to fight for him, then let him know what he means to you. It seems to me that he is sending you a very clear message that he is starving for sexual release with you. It may be time to spice things up in the bedroom and indulge each other's fantasies. Discuss ordering some porn with him, and then enjoy it with him. Talk about your deepest fantasies with him. Communication here seems to be the key.

Answer 8

Dear Trish,

Your husband has a basement full of trash that you would have to wade through to make him into good husband material. Run, don't walk for the front door. Go straight to an attorney. Don't go back. He is a lost cause and you need someone who is not determined to mire himself in filth.

Good luck, Sweetie. Be ultra careful with your next choice. It can only get better. Hugs!!

Answer 9

I would talk to him about it, but frankly, that is a red flag and I wouldn't want to live with that deception and so I would leave. Maybe the two of you can enjoy it together? Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about his unfaithfulness.

Answer 10

Should you leave or should you go? That is the question you should be asking your self. How much more are you willing to forgive? How much more are you willing to deal with? These are questions only you know the answers to. Whatever you do, be true to yourself. Love yourself before you love anyone else. Good luck and God bless****